I've called you

After being 13 hours at work... on my own in this huge, lonely and scary building... my mind must be running out of battery or something, cause I've just called you. Just to hear your lovely voice answering the phone. And I've hung up. Just like that.

Stressed

I'm running out of time for the tests I need to perform to prepare my following work trip to Africa. I'm leaving on Sunday and I'm encountering problems every second. I don't even have time to vaccinate against meningitis. Never mind...It's not mandatory, since I'm only staying for a week….. I'm stressed….. I only have three days in this week because I have a family gathering out of Madrid… which means that I'll have to finish with all the preparations by Wednesday, which by the way, is the day after tomorrow!!!! Arghhhh.
When I work under pressure I tend to be like this….brrrrr
I missed a party at Kareem's blog this morning :-((, but I'll hopefully catch up later.

62 days and 13 hours since he last connected to the messenger…c'mon where are you?????

Kareem's questions

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as your dinner guest? As your close friend? As your lover?
As a dinner guest I’d choose Isabel Preysler
As a close friend I’d choose Alberto Cortina
As my lover ummm…. Can't you imagine?
Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by five years to become extremely attractive?
Of course not!!!. What kind of question is this?????
Would you rather spend a month on vacation with your parents or put in overtime at your current job for four weeks without extra compensation?
I'd definitely spend a month on vacation with my parents. I think we all have to learn to value the time we spend with them. We have to realize that these are unique moments before is too late.
When did you last cry by yourself? In front of another person?
Don't know… a couple of months maybe… in front of another person. And by myself I don't remember. I usually don't cry by myself. I prefer to have a friend to wipe my tears.
If 100 people your age were chosen at random, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than yours?
I guess it depends on what you considered satisfying life.... If satisfying means funny, full of excitement and interesting I think maybe 15 people would have a better life. Otherwise, if satisfying means being married, having kids and that sort of "what's expected from you" thing… could be up to 30 people.
If you had the choice of one intimate soul mate and no other close friends, or of no such soul mate and many friends and acquaintances, which would you choose?
I'd definitely choose friends. I think it's a tricky question though. I mean, If it implies that is your soul mate the one who asks you to do it, I simply would't feel atracted to the type of guy that forces me to decide between him and my friends. So, that's out of the question. Would't be such a choice.
If we're talking about an hypothetical decision, I'd still choose friends. Boys come and go. My friends are always there.
Do you think your friends would agree with one another about the kind of person you are?
Definitely
Would you prefer to be blind or deaf?
I think both are terrible, but if I had to choose, I'd prefer to be deaf.
How many of your friendships have lasted more than ten years? Which of your current friends do you feel will still be important to you ten years from now?
Let's see…. 7 friendships that are important to me have lasted more than 10 years. Two of them more than 20 years, actually (we met in our first years at school).
Ten years from now I suppose that I will still have at least 4 of these friendships. Although I only consider two of these people friends till death.
If you could mould to your liking your memories of any past experience, would you do so?
Of course not!!
Would you be content with a marriage of the highest quality in all respects but one – it completely lacked sex?
I could't be happy in a marriage without sex. I think sex is really important for a loving couple.
If you were happily married, and then met someone you felt was certain to always bring you deeply passionate, intoxicating love, would you leave your spouse? What if you had kids?
If I happen to meet by chance someone like that, that makes me forget my husband, I'd leave him for sure, but only if I didn't have kids. In case I had kids, it would depend on their age… if they were old enough I'd still leave my husband. If not, I'd go on with my marriage to take care of the children. I'm afraid that if you decide to have kids you can forget about yourself for a while… and this decision would be really selfish.
Relative of the population at large? How do you rate your physical attractiveness? Your intelligence? Your personality?
Physical attractiveness: 9 .Well, It would be stupid to deny that I know I'm hot (I'm a Spanish Mozza after all, LOL), but, being so insecure, I honestly forget about it in the day-to-day.
Intelligence: 9 According to the tests, I've got a remarkable intelligence which, by the way, I don't use most of the time.
Personality: 7 I've got a strong character… but what most people don't know is that my self esteem is pathetic.
If you could script the basic plot for the dream you will have tonight, what would the story be?
I would be trekking with my dad in the mountains. A long walk. I would told him about my worries, and about how lost I am since he left me. He'd told me the right thing to do.
While out one day, you are surprised to see your father holding hands with someone who is clearly his lover, he begs you not to say anything to your mother. How would you respond? What if your mother later told you that she was going crazy thinking that your father was having an affair yet knew it was just her imagination?
I'd keep my father's secret and I would't say anything to my mother. If my mother told me about her suspicions I'd talk to my father and make him tell her the truth.
If you had to spend the next 2 years inside a small but fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person, whom would you like to have with you?
I'd want to be with an intelligent male, with a great sense of humor and lots of stories to tell. He would have to put up with me, so he'd need to be positive, and easy going. And if I can choose, I'd prefer him to be also attractive , although is not a must ;-)
You become involved romantically but after 6 months realize you need to end the relationship. If you were certain the person would commit suicide if you were to leave and were also certain you could not be happy with the person, what would you do?
I'd stay for a while. I'd stay enough time to persuade the guy that I'm not the one for him and that I cannot make him happy.
What was your most enjoyable dream? Your worst nightmare?
I don't think I have a most enjoyable dream. I remember most of my dreams, and I particularly like those about swimming in the Caribbean, or traveling in general, laughing with my friends. My worst nightmare repeated several times in the past. It was about my dad. I knew he was really ill, but he didn't know. I knew he was about to die, but I still could't do anything to stop it. I couldn't help him. I don't even want to remember it. Grrrr
If by sacrificing your life you could contribute so much to the world you would be honored by all nations, would you be willing to do so? If so, would you make the sacrifice knowing that someone you thoroughly disliked would received that honor while you went unrecognized?
No I wouln't in any case. I'm not that altruistic.
Would you like your spouse to be both smarter and more attractive than you are?
At least I'd like to feel that he's smarter than me. I mean, I need to admire my partner, otherwise I can't fall in love. I could't respect a guy who I think it's dumber than me ;-).
Regarding attractiveness…. I guess I don't care… as long as I find him attractive. Actually, based on my experience, I think it's more practical if I'm the only one who finds him attractive. ;-)
You discover that your wonderful one-year-old child is, because of a mix-up at the hospital, not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try and correct the mistake?
I don't think I'd change it. With a whole year with you the baby is already your child. I'll try to check the other child though, out of curiosity. Maybe the children could become friends...
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
I sang for myself half an hour ago. I sing for myself everyday!!!. I'm always singing. And for someone else… let's see I think it was for a friend in collegue. He always asked me to sing for him (even on the phone!!).
Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?
Well, I think being a girl is an advantage in a lot of situations. I have to admit that I know it and I use it when I need it (for instance, when I take the car to the garage and I pretend to ignore everything about engines). …. BUT….I also have to admit that, being a technician and working with males most of the time, I have wished to be a man quite a few times, specially when working with males froma a different culture.
What are your most compulsive habits? Do you regularly struggle to break these habits?
I don't have compulsive habits. At least not ones that I'm concious about and I'd like to break.
Would you enjoy spending a month of solitude in a beautiful natural setting? Food and shelter would be provided but you would not see another person.
I'm afraid a moth is too much for me. A week would be enough.
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly? Would you change anything about the way you are now living?
Although I already try to live like I was about to die suddenly I'd try to spend even more time with my mum and be nicer to her. I'd quit my job. I also would like to travel to a couple of pending places, and I would have a baby. What a year…..
If you knew you would die of an incurable disease within 3 months, would you allow yourself to be frozen within the week if you knew it would give you a modest chance of being revived in 1,000 years and living a greatly extended life?
Sure, I'd say goodbye to everybody and I'd prepare to wait for 1000 years.
You are invited to a party that will be attended by many fascinating people you’ve never met. Would you want to go if you had to go by yourself?
Yes, I'd go by myself. Sounds interesting and after all I'm really sociable.
If you were at a friend’s house for thanksgiving dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what would you do?
I'd try not to look at it and I'd stop eating with any excuse.
If someone you love deeply is brutally murdered and you know the identity of the murderer, who unfortunately is acquitted of the crime. Would you seek revenge?
No doubt

Gloomy

About me:
I didn't write anything in the last days because I was (I should say I am) in such a gloomy mood that I didn't feel like writing.
I have to go back to meditation. I used to meditate three times a day and I loved it. It made me feel relaxed but at the same time full of energy. The thing is that I don't know why, but I quitted it more than a month ago. I wasn't able to concentrate properly and now it seems that I've got out ot the habit. I definitely have to start again.
I was very disappointed at the beginning of last week when I found out about the cancellation of one project for our customer in Egypt that I was eagerly expecting. I sent an e-mail to the Prince, to check if he new anything else. He didn't. Didn't seem very talkative either. I sent him another e-mail saying, ok and about you?? how are you?. He didn't answer. I know something is going on. Will he be engaged already?. I know he was desperately looking for a wife. Egyptian and muslim wife of course. But if he's seriously dating somebody, why doesn't he just tell me so to keep me from behaving like a moron???. I still care so much. It's funny how I get so angry after all he's already done to me. I mean, I should be ready for his kind of reactions. It's just that I cannot let it stay. I feel like writing him a long e-mail, explaining that although he doesn't believe me I still think of him every moment. That I need to see him. But my experience tells me that that would't work. He doesn' t feel the way I do. Apart from thinking that I'm a western bitch he'd think that I'm also a psycho being obsessed with him for a year. It's underestandable. So, what can I do?. Just let it stay?. I can't!!!. There must be something I can do.
The job-search thing is bugging me all the time. I feel remorse…. I think I could make a bigger effort to improve my search. I know I'm wasting my time here. Days go by… and I'm still in the same place. I think I'm lazy and afraid of changing at the same time… Besides, I don't know why I don't get more job interviews since I've sent my resume to quite a few places. I'm a f. engineer with a f. MBA. What's wrong?. I guess it's a matter of patience. I've always been too impatient...
About fake friends:
Last Thursday night I had a hen-party dinner with my colleagues from College. I didn't feel like going at all, but since I'm eluding the wedding with a good excuse I felt I had to go. A gang of bitches actually. I could only consider two of them something similar to a friend. Let's see:
1- The one who's getting married used to be a close friend. I don't know well what happened but a few years ago she suddenly changed and didn't speak to me anymore. She's always been very touchy, so I suppose I did something that annoyed her and she refused to tell me when I asked her openly what was happening with us. I didn't call her anymore either. Indeed, I was going through the worst period of my life, so I felt It should be her the one to be worried about our friendship and not me, with all the stuff that I was dealing with… We met again a couple of years ago in friend number two wedding. She tried to speak to me with tears in her eyes but I just didn't wanted a scene, so I avoided her. I found out recently that she was getting married and I honestly felt happy for her, so I called her. She has invited me to the wedding but I just don't want to go. I don't even want to recover her frienship. Obviously it wasn't a real frienship. It will never be the same, at least for me. So that's it. End of the story.
2- The second friend used to be almost like my sister when we were at collegue. I loved her as much as my friends from childhood. We run through lots of things together... Until I found out that she was entangled with the guy I was in love with. Everybody knew. Except me. It was R who told me. Hey, that's a good story, I think that it deserves its own post. I haven't felt more betrayed in my life. Not even with a guy. Didn't expected it at all. Didn't see it coming. Definitely, I'll write about it some other time.

Is he or is he not?

I've been thinking a lot last week. Thinking about R. And about me. Is he really the man of my life??. I honestly find it difficult to tell at this point of my life.
I've had anogher nightmare, this time about marriage. I don't even want to talk about marriage. Should I???. On top of that it seems that the pregnancy rate among my friends is reaching epidemic proportions. I feel the pressure in the air….
R. doesn't talk about it either… I mean, I don't feel like marrying and having children right now, but it pisses me the fact that he doesn't even mention it, being devoted to his happy commitment- free life.
My worst fault is that I'm the most resenful person I know. Not only I barely forgive but I never forget. Of course I'm not proud about it. I don't like it at all, as I'm the one that takes the worst part about it. The negative energy, the bad vibes... It's neither nice nor easy for me and that's why I've been working on it for a while. Trying to make this feeling dissaperar, to replace it by forgiveness and understanding.
I thought I was getting better at it, but last Monday I remembered something R did to me some time ago that made me to the verge of dumping him. Judge yourselves.
We were with a male friend (more a colleague than a friend, actually) in a bar… and suddenly a fight started. One of the guys involved threatened with taking out a gun (of course that was just a bluff). Our friend instintively reached for me, trying to protect me with his body. And guess what!!!.. R just dissappeared before we could even turn our heads. He was hidden in the toilets downstairs. I couldn't believe it. He moved too fast for us to notice. To save his ass…
Our friend was annoyed… he couldn't believe what R had just done. He still reminds me of it from time to time and laughs at R. But for me it's not funny at all.
It's not just that he's a chicken, it's about his selfishness… I mean, I can admit that he's a coward. All right. No problem. But what about me?. I'm his girl, right??. He could have grabbed me in his flight to the toilets. Don't you think?. I didn't want to make a scene with our colleague but we had a big row later on. He didn't even apologyze. He just said he din't know why he'd done that. And that's all. That made me think a lot. What would he do in a critical situation???. I guess the same. I mean, save his ass and forget about me.
I don't know if I'm being too histerical at this but something made me remember it and now I can't get rid of this nasty feeling. Maybe he's also a chicken for commitment. Maybe if I saw him willing to commit I would feel like committing too. Don't know….Maybe my lack of enthusiasm and my recent lack of passion is only due to his attitude…. Maybe the Egyptian Prince is just the consequence and not the cause… don't know …don't know… don't know.

NIGHTMARES, GUILTY CONSCIENCE, MAILS AND FOOLISHNESS

My guilty side:
I've been having some bad dreams for the late three nights. They're all about R being with other girls…. It's all mixed up… I've dreamt about one of his exs the other night (actually she was having lunch with my mom !!???), but tonight I've dreamt that he was cheating me openly. I found out that he'd been with two different girls in the same week and that he'd even had sex with one of them (I didn't know the girls though).
I've always been particularly affected by my dreams. I remember them vividly and my mood during the day depends a lot on my dreams.
I wonder if these kind of dreams are just a reflection of my own behaviour. I feel I have betrayed him, just by thinking of another guy. I love R. He doesn't deserve this, and I feel so guilty about it….

My fool side:
I just wanted to know if the Egyptian Prince was at the office. So, I sent a general mail with a joke including him. He read the mail, and he answered inmediately telling that he misses me so much. Really???. Five weeks missing but you miss me ??? (if you'll forgive the repetition).
I've replied him but he hasn't answered. Will I ever learn? How can he be such a jerk and how can I be such a fool?????