So I saw him

At the end of my second week in the office at Johannesburg, after having called him to his desk like a maniac several times a day everyday. I didn’t see him or saw any trace of him and I was wondering if he was in the country at all. I didn’t intend to speak to him or anything. Just wanted to find out if he was in the office, but I made a unforgivable mistake. One of the times I forgot to hide my number, so when he came back from his trip he returned my call. I was so puzzled when he called me that I didn’t even recognize his voice at first. I tried to appear cool and said, well, yeah, I called you because I’m here an just wanted to let you know. We met for a coffee. I was literally trembling. Almost a year since the last time we met. He’s much thinner, much more good looking than ever. I was with a colleague at first, so the situation was pretty akward. I asked him politely about everything and everybody I could think of. I mentioned I’ve met his friend in the canteen at the beginning of the week and he told me the friend called to tell him. So he knew. He knew I was in South Africa but hadn’t done anything about it. Cool. Then he asked about P. That was really difficult. I just told him she died, and I don’t want to talk about it. I almost broke down. OK, he said. Not even I’m sorry. Not even a gesture of sympathy or something. Cool.
When my colleague left I asked him to stay with me for a little while. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting of him. But I somehow I wanted him to react when he saw me, specially after finding out about P. I wanted him to feel sorry for having let me down when I most needed him. For leaving me alone in the most terrible moment of my life. I din’t talk much either. I only told him that I was hesitating about calling him but that I thought it would be better to call him than just running into him in the canteen. We spent a while talking nonsense and finally he suggested we should go back to work. Damn. I was thinking the same. It should have been me the one to said that. To end the conversation. It was so weird. We didn’t say anything about meeting again. We just said goodbye, that’s all. While I was on the elevator I was already in tears. I spent the rest of the day on a daze. I didn’t expect him to cause me such an impression when meeting again. I should have been ready for that. But I wasn’t. I was expecting him to talk to me on the messenger or to say anything after that. But he didn’t. I was expecting him to ask if we could meet that very evening before the long weekend. But he didn’t. I somehow needed to talk to him, so I emailed him with the excuse of needing to rent a car and we changed a couple of emails. I apologized for being cold and snappy when I told him about P. I was somehow trying to find a way to meet him out of the office. But the bastard knows me too well, so he didn’t replied to the mails like I expected either. Cool . I spent Thursay evening totally devastated. Checking the phone every minute, because It seems I’m so naïf that I was still expecting him to sms me. Actually, I’ve been expecting that the whole freaking weekend. By now I should be totally persuaded that he’s not going to make any move, but don’t ask me why I still think that he will react to my presence here. I just can’t imagine him being so cool to my proximity after all we’ve been through. If he ever loved me like he said, this must affect him one way or the other. It really hurts to think about him being serious with somebody else but, of course, that’s a possibility I have to consider. Actually, I’m sure that it was somebody else who gave him the strength to break this insane dependency with me, but my sixth sense tells me that he’s not had anything important up to now.
Anyway, considering that R is coming over in four days, this is the best that could happen to me. The consequences of L finding out about R are really scary, so I guess right now, it’s better this way.
L comes back on Wednesday from his holiday, so I don’t know If he would tell me anything at the office. I keep waiting. The next two weeks I can’t do absolutely anything about this, since I’m taking leave to spend some time with R, so let’s wait and see.