Gloomy
About me:
I didn't write anything in the last days because I was (I should say I am) in such a gloomy mood that I didn't feel like writing.
I have to go back to meditation. I used to meditate three times a day and I loved it. It made me feel relaxed but at the same time full of energy. The thing is that I don't know why, but I quitted it more than a month ago. I wasn't able to concentrate properly and now it seems that I've got out ot the habit. I definitely have to start again.
I was very disappointed at the beginning of last week when I found out about the cancellation of one project for our customer in Egypt that I was eagerly expecting. I sent an e-mail to the Prince, to check if he new anything else. He didn't. Didn't seem very talkative either. I sent him another e-mail saying, ok and about you?? how are you?. He didn't answer. I know something is going on. Will he be engaged already?. I know he was desperately looking for a wife. Egyptian and muslim wife of course. But if he's seriously dating somebody, why doesn't he just tell me so to keep me from behaving like a moron???. I still care so much. It's funny how I get so angry after all he's already done to me. I mean, I should be ready for his kind of reactions. It's just that I cannot let it stay. I feel like writing him a long e-mail, explaining that although he doesn't believe me I still think of him every moment. That I need to see him. But my experience tells me that that would't work. He doesn' t feel the way I do. Apart from thinking that I'm a western bitch he'd think that I'm also a psycho being obsessed with him for a year. It's underestandable. So, what can I do?. Just let it stay?. I can't!!!. There must be something I can do.
The job-search thing is bugging me all the time. I feel remorse…. I think I could make a bigger effort to improve my search. I know I'm wasting my time here. Days go by… and I'm still in the same place. I think I'm lazy and afraid of changing at the same time… Besides, I don't know why I don't get more job interviews since I've sent my resume to quite a few places. I'm a f. engineer with a f. MBA. What's wrong?. I guess it's a matter of patience. I've always been too impatient...
About fake friends:
Last Thursday night I had a hen-party dinner with my colleagues from College. I didn't feel like going at all, but since I'm eluding the wedding with a good excuse I felt I had to go. A gang of bitches actually. I could only consider two of them something similar to a friend. Let's see:
1- The one who's getting married used to be a close friend. I don't know well what happened but a few years ago she suddenly changed and didn't speak to me anymore. She's always been very touchy, so I suppose I did something that annoyed her and she refused to tell me when I asked her openly what was happening with us. I didn't call her anymore either. Indeed, I was going through the worst period of my life, so I felt It should be her the one to be worried about our friendship and not me, with all the stuff that I was dealing with… We met again a couple of years ago in friend number two wedding. She tried to speak to me with tears in her eyes but I just didn't wanted a scene, so I avoided her. I found out recently that she was getting married and I honestly felt happy for her, so I called her. She has invited me to the wedding but I just don't want to go. I don't even want to recover her frienship. Obviously it wasn't a real frienship. It will never be the same, at least for me. So that's it. End of the story.
2- The second friend used to be almost like my sister when we were at collegue. I loved her as much as my friends from childhood. We run through lots of things together... Until I found out that she was entangled with the guy I was in love with. Everybody knew. Except me. It was R who told me. Hey, that's a good story, I think that it deserves its own post. I haven't felt more betrayed in my life. Not even with a guy. Didn't expected it at all. Didn't see it coming. Definitely, I'll write about it some other time.
I didn't write anything in the last days because I was (I should say I am) in such a gloomy mood that I didn't feel like writing.
I have to go back to meditation. I used to meditate three times a day and I loved it. It made me feel relaxed but at the same time full of energy. The thing is that I don't know why, but I quitted it more than a month ago. I wasn't able to concentrate properly and now it seems that I've got out ot the habit. I definitely have to start again.
I was very disappointed at the beginning of last week when I found out about the cancellation of one project for our customer in Egypt that I was eagerly expecting. I sent an e-mail to the Prince, to check if he new anything else. He didn't. Didn't seem very talkative either. I sent him another e-mail saying, ok and about you?? how are you?. He didn't answer. I know something is going on. Will he be engaged already?. I know he was desperately looking for a wife. Egyptian and muslim wife of course. But if he's seriously dating somebody, why doesn't he just tell me so to keep me from behaving like a moron???. I still care so much. It's funny how I get so angry after all he's already done to me. I mean, I should be ready for his kind of reactions. It's just that I cannot let it stay. I feel like writing him a long e-mail, explaining that although he doesn't believe me I still think of him every moment. That I need to see him. But my experience tells me that that would't work. He doesn' t feel the way I do. Apart from thinking that I'm a western bitch he'd think that I'm also a psycho being obsessed with him for a year. It's underestandable. So, what can I do?. Just let it stay?. I can't!!!. There must be something I can do.
The job-search thing is bugging me all the time. I feel remorse…. I think I could make a bigger effort to improve my search. I know I'm wasting my time here. Days go by… and I'm still in the same place. I think I'm lazy and afraid of changing at the same time… Besides, I don't know why I don't get more job interviews since I've sent my resume to quite a few places. I'm a f. engineer with a f. MBA. What's wrong?. I guess it's a matter of patience. I've always been too impatient...
About fake friends:
Last Thursday night I had a hen-party dinner with my colleagues from College. I didn't feel like going at all, but since I'm eluding the wedding with a good excuse I felt I had to go. A gang of bitches actually. I could only consider two of them something similar to a friend. Let's see:
1- The one who's getting married used to be a close friend. I don't know well what happened but a few years ago she suddenly changed and didn't speak to me anymore. She's always been very touchy, so I suppose I did something that annoyed her and she refused to tell me when I asked her openly what was happening with us. I didn't call her anymore either. Indeed, I was going through the worst period of my life, so I felt It should be her the one to be worried about our friendship and not me, with all the stuff that I was dealing with… We met again a couple of years ago in friend number two wedding. She tried to speak to me with tears in her eyes but I just didn't wanted a scene, so I avoided her. I found out recently that she was getting married and I honestly felt happy for her, so I called her. She has invited me to the wedding but I just don't want to go. I don't even want to recover her frienship. Obviously it wasn't a real frienship. It will never be the same, at least for me. So that's it. End of the story.
2- The second friend used to be almost like my sister when we were at collegue. I loved her as much as my friends from childhood. We run through lots of things together... Until I found out that she was entangled with the guy I was in love with. Everybody knew. Except me. It was R who told me. Hey, that's a good story, I think that it deserves its own post. I haven't felt more betrayed in my life. Not even with a guy. Didn't expected it at all. Didn't see it coming. Definitely, I'll write about it some other time.
posted by spanish_moza at 11:24 AM
4 Comments:
You have to put an end to all this, you cannot keep trying to reach this Egyptian guy meanwhile you are with you boyfriend. It won't work, whatever you do, you still fell unconfortable, feel guilty, you will have all kinds of nightmares. Put an end to it. Take a decision, be sure you can take one.
If you cannot do it now, take a break, take break from both of them. Never do any kind of contact the Egyptian guy and ask your boyfriend for a break, give yourself a 2 or 3 months break. At the end of this break you may find things clearer for you and then you can take the decisiion that will work for you, and your real joyful and loving life.
Hi Eyewitness,
I know you are right, and I know I have to stop it. Actually, I did take a break with my boyfriend one year ago. The second time I came back from Egypt. I was very confused... so I asked him for a break. The Egyptian Prince turn his back on me and I was so disappointed and feeling such an idiot that I came back to my boyfriend, who's been there supporting me all the time. I thought that I would be able to forget the guy but It seems more difficult than I expected.
I know I should't try to contact him... moreover when he ignores me :-((. Thanks a lot for your advice.
Spanish Moza, if you don't mind, would you please send me your email? Don't worry I'm not going to poke my nose in staff that doesn't concern me, but it is that sometimes I feel there is stuff that should not be always discussed in public.
Mine in
the.eyewitness@gmail.com
Super color scheme, I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
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