WEEKEND AT THE OFFICE

El puente de mayo in Madrid is the four days break after Easter that people is expecting the most. And guess what I'm doing this year to celebrate it!!!. I'm working. Great.
The four days locked up in the office since 8 am. This morning I could't even buy the newspapers to continue with my job search because the news stand was closed. I guess nobody wakes up a Saturday before 11 ;-)).
Actually, one of my colleagues this morning was kidding because he had been having breakfast in a café, sitting by a group of young people who were still partying the Friday night (Madrid nightlife is cool!!!). They were still drinking alcohol while he was drinking his morning coffee.
So, here I am, with a few of my colleagues, all feeling like wretches for having to stay here at work, while the rest of the people is outside, enjoying the long weekend with this lovely weather. If I'm lucky I will stay here just for four hours more…. arhggggg. Never mind!!!. Le'ts be positive, I will hopefully have time to write and to look for a job in the internet while I pretend to be working.
I love spring in Madrid. The days are much longer, and if the weather is good, like today, the sky is so blue that you cannot help but being idiotically happy. Even the waste grounds look gorgeous covered with flowers. They look almost as impressionist paintings in yellow, red, white, blue and violet.
If I wasn't here, I would surely spend the day trekking in the mountains. I don't do it so often lately since R's dog is getting older everyday. R doesn't want to go without the dog and I don't want to go without R, so that's it.
I used to go trekking with my dad every Saturday. Every single one. I loved it. In fact, it was him who taught me to love nature. Ever since I was a child, we spent our Saturdays in the countryside, trekking through mountains, rivers and forests. We used to spend hours talking about us, about life, about my future and my worries. We were so alike that he understood me like no one has ever done. We were so close and we loved each other so much, that I was simply unable to imagine that one day he would have to leave me.
When I met R. and we became friends, I wanted to share with him the beautiful spots that I knew, so I started to go trekking with him from time to time. My dad told me half kidding that he felt betrayed. I suppose it must have been hard for him to see how his little girl was slowly growing apart. Anyway, I never abandoned him, I just divided myself between dad and R.
I don't know why I've thought of this right now, but I remember that one of our favourite routes had something that really impressed me the first time I saw it. It was a huge old pine located in a bend of the path. Tied to this big tree, at the ground level there was a metallic chain with big letters. It was like one of this necklaces with one's name but much much bigger. The letters on the chain formed a phrase, and you had to go round the tree trunk to read it. Actually, we had to dig some of the letters up as part of the chain was hidden in the ground. When we finished we could read the phrase at last. It said "A SU QUERIDA MEMORIA", which means "To his (or her, in Spanish is the same) beloved memory". We were pretty surprised when we read it. We found it so romantic that we spent the rest of the day guessing what could it mean. Maybe someone had died there, just by this old tree, or maybe the tree was the place where two lovers had met… who knows??. The phrase was beautiful and intriguing, and the chosen tree was also impressive. The route was very scenic in itself, but from that day it became something special for us. I've never came back since he died. Moreover, I've never been there with R.
I don't know why I'm talking about this now…. So , coming back to reality….my job interview was not particularly brilliant. I was not in the mood for an interview if you know what I mean. I got late (first time in my life!!) because there was a problem with the traffic lights in one of the main streets and it was all collapsed. I forgot my CV in the car (I like to bring one CV with me to the interviews). All this made me feel even more nervous. I'm so insecure that I need to be phycologically prepared to look confident and play my roll in front of the interviewer. I'm too spontaneous and if I don't prepare my answers first I can come up with whatever comes to my mind, which is actually what I did….ummmm.
After talking for a while the guy asked me: how do you see yourself in the future?, let's say in ten years…. You'd agree that this is the typical interview question and I should have been ready for something like that. Unfortunately, I wasn't.
I started to think as quickly as I could. Well, the thing is that I can't see myself in the future, you nerd!!!, that's my problem. I'm so lost. That's why I can't find my inner peace, and that's why I'm blogging you know….
Time was passing by and I had to give an answer and the first thing that came to my lips was…ummm I see myself as a boss!!!!. As a boss?????the interviewer seemed amused. Yeah, I've always wanted to be a boss ( I could swear he was taken aback ). So, that was it. I wanted to leave as soon as possible and that was my brilliant answer. Will I ever learn????. I only hope that this will teach me for my following interviews and that I won't made the same mistakes.
I'm bored of writing now…. It's time to go….

BOMBS, OBSESSION AND JOB INTERVIEWS

I have very few time to write…so I will summarize:

- So shocked because of the bombs in Egypt. Anger, sense of impotence. I don't know what to say. It's the same in Spain. Crazy people fighting for crazy ideas. Lots of innocents killed. It's so sad, and so unfair.

- So worried about the fucking Egyptian Prince. Didn't want to sms him. What for???. Last summer, when the same happened in Sharm, he didn't even bother to answer me. So, I decided to call him. I thought: well, if his phone rings, at least he's alive. And it rang, so I suppose the jerk is alive. Good.

-I'm still writing the rest of the story with the Prince. It makes me feel sad, but I guess I need to write it like a kind of exorcism to get rid of my obsession.

-I've got a job interview tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous. I have lot of work and I have to scape the office tomorrow early to get there on time.

-I've also applied for a job in Cairo. I must be out of my mind. I suppose they won't call me, because my profile doesn't fit at all. But, you know, it was so funny, almost like a sign, when I bought the newspaper last weekend and saw this offer in the first place, that I decided to apply.

- I've been a month without news. Im my case, no news is not good news at all, but apparently discouragement has nothing to do with me. Fine

I guess that's all up to now.

EXPECTANCY

I don't know why I've done it, after so many days holding on. I guess I was impatient, and I couldn't wait. It's the longest period without news since I came back.
I've sent you an stupid SMS with no answer, which makes me feel even more stupid. Where have you hidden??, and why??. Have you suddenly found someone?, or are you just tired of playing with me???, or both?

Desire - Belief - Expectancy: Which one is failing???. Desire is stronger that ever, so, this is not the one. Belief might not be at its best moment but I think it's also pretty strong. Then, I think it's Expectancy the one that's weak. Expectancy is harder to create at this point of the story. But now that I have identified the week point, I'm going to take actions. Be warned.

MADRID FROM A MOTORBIKE

The day couldn’t have started worse. I didn’t sleep at all. I went to bed early yesterday, cause I know that when I don’t sleep enough (which is most of the time) I tend to see things quite dark. However, I wasn’t able to sleep. Thinking about the same stuff.
So, I woke up more tired than yesterday (no comments about my look this morning). I went to work and the parking was full. OK, doesn’t matter. I had to park in the middle of nowhere and walk for a while.... well. I’ve been really crossed during the day.

So, I left the office early and passed by my friend Reki. It was a wonderful afternoon, the weather is so nice these days. Even too hot for early April. Blue sky... I love blue sky. I love spring in Madrid. We left my car parked and we took his big Yamaha. Much easier to move around the city in a motorbike. Unfortunately, he has a huge head (we’re always kidding about it), and the helmet he lent me was so big that it could have blown with the wind if I wasn’t holding it all the time.
I was enjoying the ride. As we were riding I felt how my sadness and my anger were dissappearing. They seemed more distant, like if they were some other’s sadness and anger (blowing with the wind, like the helmet was trying to do).
Reki is my friend from several years now. He’s really funny and absolutely gay. I know I can count on him, although lately we’ve grown apart. Since he met his last boyfriend he’s been very busy. It seems he’s now into sadomaso. It’s not that I’m not understanding, It’s just that I prefer not to know. I prefer a happy ignorance about his sexual life and I definitely prefer not to go with him to buy all this leather stuff.

Anyway, it’s been a lovely evening. We’ve been to see his new apartment in downtown. He hasn’t move yet but he’s bought a wonderful flat in a beautiful square in old Madrid. It’s been ages since the last time I’ve been in downtown during the day (specially a week day). I love it. The city is so full of life, you can almost hear her heartbeat. Besides, Madrid from the motorbike is cool. The weather was so fine. La Cibeles, is gorgeous. Gran Vía was packed. The traffic was a mess and the traffic agents were messing it up even more. We’ve left the motorbike and walked for about an hour or so.
We’ve been in Plaza Mayor, full of cafés with terraces, and in Puerta del Sol. God, I have found out that the signs in Puerta del Sol are in japanese!!!!. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know that Madrid had so many japanese tourists. I guess they’re everywhere.
After the walk he has invited me to an ice-cream in my favourite place in Madrid. He really knows me ;-), and detects a bad day just by hearing my voice on the phone.

I haven't forgotten the prince (BTW Reki doesn't want even to hear about it), but he managed to cheer me up and I think it’s been a good day after all.

LA JUVENTUD ESPAÑOLA

I've just received this in an e-mail and I've found it very interesting.


Según las estadísticas la mujer española tiene su primer hijo a los 33 años, el varón español a los 35 --las edades más altas de Europa--. La joven española pierde la virginidad a los 14,5 años, el muchacho a los 16 --las edades más prematuras del continente--.
El porcentaje de abortos registrados en España supera claramente al de los demás países del entorno. Sin embargo la tasa de nacimientos en España es de 1,3 --las más baja... ¡del mundo!--. Estos datos ya dan qué pensar, pero mucho más si se considera que la juventud española es la más ociosa, la que dispone de más tiempo libre y la que tiene acceso a un trabajo estable más tardíamente en los 25 países de la Unión.
Más datos señalan que el joven español abandona la casa paterna a los 32,5 años --la cifra más elevada de la Unión Europea--, que acabará de pagar la hipoteca de su vivienda a los 75 años --la cifra más alta del
mundo-- y que su perspectiva de encontrar un empleo estable con derecho a jubilación ronda el 8,5% --la cifra más escandalosa de la Historia con excepción del breve periodo de la Alemania de entreguerras--. Su primer empleo es inseguro y provisional en un porcentaje del 96,5%, y su duración media es de 4 meses. La juventud española se encuentre también con las tasas más bajas de Europa en cuanto a realización de doctorados o de estudios de especialización, es la que menos lee, la que menor cantidad de prensa escrita consume y la que viaja menos al extranjero, junto con la portuguesa y la griega.
Al mismo tiempo el español es el joven más dependiente económicamente de los padres incluso tras la independencia familiar --por ejemplo, utiliza a los abuelos como niñeras o canguros--, está por debajo de la media en cantidad de películas vistas, y es la que mantiene un parque automovilístico más viejo, después de portugueses, griegos y chipriotas. Curiosamente es la que más fuma, la que consume más alcohol y también la que compra más preservativos, extraño dato que no se corresponde con la estadística de que es la que menos practica el amor en toda Europa --1,7 veces a la semana frente a 4 veces los países escandinavos-- y...
asombrosamente, es también la que manifiesta más errores en tests de conocimientos de sexología.
Paralelamente a todo esto, la juventud española es la que en proporciones más escandalosamente elevadas se manifiesta "apolítica", enmascaramiento de un desconocimiento alto de la realidad y de sus soluciones, y una forma solapada de manifestarse manipulables ante el poder.
Mientras todos estos datos relativos a España se producen, la juventud francesa lleva meses manifestándose por sus derechos y por un empleo digno --tres millones de manifestantes en la tercera convocatoria--, los estudiantes británicos han incrementado la creación de comités de protesta en las universidades, los alemanes expresan posturas más o menos solidarias a favor del empleo, e incluso la juventud islámica asentada en Europa se manifiesta en defensa de determinados derechos propios. ¿Qué hace mientras tanto, orgullosa y autosuficiente, la juventud española? ¡CONVOCA A BOTELLONES!. Mientras la juventud europea ocupa primeras páginas de actualidad por sus manifestaciones ante la injusticia social...
la española las ocupa por la convocatoria de BOTELLONES, y mientras los botellones se celebran en España como triunfos de rebeldía en Europa la juventud se manifiesta combativa y sin miedo, se casa antes, tiene más hijos, consigue trabajo antes, se independiza antes y participa más en la creación de una sociedad constructiva.
Como exclamó Unamuno cierto día triste de hace un siglo de penas: ¡Qué país, qué paisaje y... qué paisanaje!
El botellón no debe criminalizarse, pero sí debe estudiarse como síntoma de una sociedad enferma y apática.

BOREDOM AND APATHY

I’m bored. Bored of my boredom. Bored of my own complains. Bored of myself.
I’m so apathetic that I’m afraid this will never end. I dindn’t feel like writing either.
I’m so low today.
At last I’ve finished the book I was reading, that didn’t cheer me up, by the way. It’s “Les particules élémentaires” from Michel Houellebecq. I don’t know if this happens to everybody but when I’m reading a book I always bring the characters and the situations with me all day. It affects my mood a lot, actually. This book it’s so depressing, so hopeless, so harsh.. that it will take a while till I get over it.
I have this worrying lack of interest. I’m not interested in anything. At all. I have to force myself even to read the newspaper lately. And it’s been a while since I don’t read the economic papers. They used to interest me.
The days pass by and I have not even updated my resume. How I’m going to find a new job if I don’t really look for a job???. I have a sort of mental block. I know what I don’t like in my life. I know what I have to do to change the things that I don’t like. But I don’t do anything. I’m blocked because I don’t know which way to take. It’s really annoying, and I’ve been like that for months.
I’m not even interested in planning a route and find a hotel for my next holydays, and I’m leaving next week. I only have booked the flight!!!.
I’m thinking about the prince all the time. No news up to now. I’m trying really hard to stop myself from sending a silly sms. He just doesn’t deserve all this mess.
I don’t want to think at my relationship. At least not while I’m in this mood. Ten years with him is a lot of time. Is my whole life. Do I want the rest of my life to go on like this??, I don’t want to answer to this question because I’m afraid I wouldn’t like the answer. I think I’m going to sleep at mom’s tonight.