Lies and egyptian hormones

I have no idea of what happened to the Egyptian Prince lately. I guess it's just that his hormones are pretty mesed up. We talk a lot on the net (meaning he's the one that starts the chatting), and he's been sending me pics and even a of voice mail. Oh boy... when I heard his voice I was tempted to call him… but I didn't. Last week he sent me two sms to which I didn't reply. The funniest thing was that he told me that he was obsessed with me (How dare you????, I mean… I can't get you out of my head.. You don't know what obsession means... how dare you say you're obsessed with me?, you jerk). Last week I even ignored him when he tried to start a chat, and guess what he did… He connected from his mobile while he was in a meeting and started telling me that all he could think about was me.
Obviously, he's only talking about the same thing all the time: sex. That's it. He needs to have me. Asking me to go to Sharm for the weekend and stupid proposals like this. I'm disappointed but just because I got the impression that he thought higher of me. Does he really think I'm that stupid?? Does he think that I'll ever again take him seriously?. Come off it.
Unfortunately, seeing him think of me as much as I think of him makes me weak. But I can't give up. If I do, he'll start ignoring me again and making me feel miserable once more.
On the other hand… L is coming on Saturday and I still don't know what to do.
Do I love R?, Yes, definitely I do. I love him most than anybody else.
Am I in love with L?. No, I got a crush on the guy and just find cute the way he chases me. Made me feel good after my low self-esteem post-Egyptian Prince period. just that.
Then… Why the hell am I doing this?. Honestly, no idea, I'm just letting go....
Lack of emotions in my life?, might be… but still not reason enough.
The thing I regret the most is the huge lie I told L. making him believe that I'm free, and I still got no clue of why I did that. I'm afraid to beleive what L tells me….but what if it's true?... I don't want to hurt him and yet he's crossing the world just to see me. God… why did I lie? C'mon... I never lie… why did I do it this time?. It's too late now to tell the truth, I cannot make him mad now because I'm afraid of what he could do. I only have one option. Wait until he leaves Spain and then tell him that we cannot be together, and that's what I'll do. And I won't lie ever again. I promise.

Lost

I’m overwhelmed by what I’ve been living the last three months.

L does not seem to accept a no for an answer and he’s coming to Madrid in two weeks. At the beggining I was really flattered, but now I’m truly scared about this situation. I’m eager to see him again, but I’m risking a lot here. R and I are not in our best moment, that’s true, but I don’t want to loose him and I just can’t cheat on him.
On the other hand, L is showing me that he really cares and is ready to accept my conditions, but I must not forget he’s a dangerous guy. We’ve been having big rows since we met because he wants to control everything about me. When he’s mad at me he’s scary, but when we’re ok, he’s so sweet that he has made me wonder... Why not?, If I don’t try I’ll never know. The thing is that I’ve hurt L unintentionally and I haven’t been honest with him. That’s not right, and I don’t feel good. But I can’t tell him the truth, it’s too late for that, and this is stressing me like hell. It’s just eating me.

In the meantime the Egyptian Prince has been talking to me in msn, and has sent me some new pics. I should have deleted the email as soon as I got it, but I didn’t... big mistake. When I saw him everything started over, and I started talking nonsense with him again. I have no will with this guy, damn. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I still have no news about this job in Egypt, but I got the feeling that the job is already mine. In any case, It will be in a few months, because I’m still working for another project.

So that’s how I am right now... just waiting and wondering what’s going to happen with my life. I guess I’ve never been that lost.