A bit of them in me

Him:

No matter how hard I try, I'll never be half as much as he was. Such an exceptional man. So amazingly intelligent and so humble at the same time. One of his associates once said that such a genious brain must be kept frozen or something for future investigation, and I agree!!. He was so inspiring to me. He's always been my reference, my model.….
He was such a cultured man, even though engineers tend to be the contrary. He knew about music, phylosophy, art, history, he spoke 5 languages, he taught me to love nature and to enjoy the loneliness of the mountain. He was so complete, like a reanissance man…. A modern Leonardo da Vinci. I've been looking for someone like him all my life, but I've lost all hope. He was unique. You can call it Electra complex if you want. I don't really care ;-)
We enjoyed each other's company so much… but he had to leave me. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. I almost went crazy…. But I survived and pulled myself together just because of her.

Her:

My relationship with her was a little bit more complicated. She's been trying to dominate me ever since I can remember. I loved her intently even though she was so over controlling. So uncontrollable herself, such a strong character . She was my other reference in her own way. Her sense of humour was amazing. She made me laugh in the most bizarre situations. She was so positive, so strong, so full of energy I still can't beleive she's left me as well.
No matter what I did, she was always there to help, even though she knew I wasn't behaving properly. She would tell me off, but still give me a hand, or even lie for me if it was necessary. I could always count on her. She was cool that times. Others, she was just unbearable.
It's funny how sometimes she draw me nuts and I could feel like killing her and others I was simply overwhelmed by the love I felt when I was watching her snoring in her sleep or just doing her own thing without noticing I was observing her. After he left us I pampered her as much as I could, tried to make her as happy as possible, tried to make her understand how much I needed her, though I don't know if I suceeded.
Now both of them are gone and I feel so helpless. I know I'm not alone but I feel lonely in my heart. I have my friends and family, but I've lost my references. I know I'm strong, but I wasn't ready for this yet………..

Gone

I'm alone in the world now. Shit time.

The limbo of the ICU

Days go by. One after another. She just lies there. She can't even breathe by herself. One hour is exactly the same as the following one or the previous one. No difference between day an night.
I want her out of ICU now. I hate that place. The smell. The drama. Every family has its own kind of drama.
Now she's opening her eyes and looking at me. I hold her hand all the time I'm with her. I'm scared like hell. I'm afraid she'll lose her mind, like the last time she was in the hospital, just a month ago.
This time looks like it's gonna be much worse… she's been under sedation for so long. She's been so close to death this time. And she's alone. I'm only allowed two hours a day with her. That's what worries me the most. I'd like to be there everytime she opens her eyes. I don't want her to feel alone. I don't want her to feel the same fear that I feel. I'm wondering what she's thinking now. I don't want her to think that her life is over and she's only a pain to me now. I do need her as much as she needs me. I'm exhausted by now. Let's hope.

2008 starts

I don't like this kind of reviews, but I think in this case it's necessary because 2007 has been such an intense year.
Among many things, I've learnt that we never now what we're able to bear until we're forced to face a certain situation.
Through the last part of the year I've been putting up with tons of crap:
- Herpes (a really nasty one)
- Infidelity
- Pregnancy
- Abortion
- Break up
- Ilness
- Loneliness
I only want to turn the page over, and close the chapter of 2007.
I start 2008 with an optimistic view. If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger… and that's how I feel now. I am stronger, and I am more mature. I'm curious and expectant to see what 2008 brings...

Keep on fighting

It rains. It's pouring. I hate the rain but right now it's just the weather that suits me better. My heart is crying too. She's alive… she's fighting and I'm so freaking worried. It's been 10 days now in ICU…. And I keep praying. I'm looking forward to the moment she opens her eyes and talks to me again.