Is he or is he not?
I've been thinking a lot last week. Thinking about R. And about me. Is he really the man of my life??. I honestly find it difficult to tell at this point of my life.
I've had anogher nightmare, this time about marriage. I don't even want to talk about marriage. Should I???. On top of that it seems that the pregnancy rate among my friends is reaching epidemic proportions. I feel the pressure in the air….
R. doesn't talk about it either… I mean, I don't feel like marrying and having children right now, but it pisses me the fact that he doesn't even mention it, being devoted to his happy commitment- free life.
My worst fault is that I'm the most resenful person I know. Not only I barely forgive but I never forget. Of course I'm not proud about it. I don't like it at all, as I'm the one that takes the worst part about it. The negative energy, the bad vibes... It's neither nice nor easy for me and that's why I've been working on it for a while. Trying to make this feeling dissaperar, to replace it by forgiveness and understanding.
I thought I was getting better at it, but last Monday I remembered something R did to me some time ago that made me to the verge of dumping him. Judge yourselves.
We were with a male friend (more a colleague than a friend, actually) in a bar… and suddenly a fight started. One of the guys involved threatened with taking out a gun (of course that was just a bluff). Our friend instintively reached for me, trying to protect me with his body. And guess what!!!.. R just dissappeared before we could even turn our heads. He was hidden in the toilets downstairs. I couldn't believe it. He moved too fast for us to notice. To save his ass…
Our friend was annoyed… he couldn't believe what R had just done. He still reminds me of it from time to time and laughs at R. But for me it's not funny at all.
It's not just that he's a chicken, it's about his selfishness… I mean, I can admit that he's a coward. All right. No problem. But what about me?. I'm his girl, right??. He could have grabbed me in his flight to the toilets. Don't you think?. I didn't want to make a scene with our colleague but we had a big row later on. He didn't even apologyze. He just said he din't know why he'd done that. And that's all. That made me think a lot. What would he do in a critical situation???. I guess the same. I mean, save his ass and forget about me.
I don't know if I'm being too histerical at this but something made me remember it and now I can't get rid of this nasty feeling. Maybe he's also a chicken for commitment. Maybe if I saw him willing to commit I would feel like committing too. Don't know….Maybe my lack of enthusiasm and my recent lack of passion is only due to his attitude…. Maybe the Egyptian Prince is just the consequence and not the cause… don't know …don't know… don't know.
I've had anogher nightmare, this time about marriage. I don't even want to talk about marriage. Should I???. On top of that it seems that the pregnancy rate among my friends is reaching epidemic proportions. I feel the pressure in the air….
R. doesn't talk about it either… I mean, I don't feel like marrying and having children right now, but it pisses me the fact that he doesn't even mention it, being devoted to his happy commitment- free life.
My worst fault is that I'm the most resenful person I know. Not only I barely forgive but I never forget. Of course I'm not proud about it. I don't like it at all, as I'm the one that takes the worst part about it. The negative energy, the bad vibes... It's neither nice nor easy for me and that's why I've been working on it for a while. Trying to make this feeling dissaperar, to replace it by forgiveness and understanding.
I thought I was getting better at it, but last Monday I remembered something R did to me some time ago that made me to the verge of dumping him. Judge yourselves.
We were with a male friend (more a colleague than a friend, actually) in a bar… and suddenly a fight started. One of the guys involved threatened with taking out a gun (of course that was just a bluff). Our friend instintively reached for me, trying to protect me with his body. And guess what!!!.. R just dissappeared before we could even turn our heads. He was hidden in the toilets downstairs. I couldn't believe it. He moved too fast for us to notice. To save his ass…
Our friend was annoyed… he couldn't believe what R had just done. He still reminds me of it from time to time and laughs at R. But for me it's not funny at all.
It's not just that he's a chicken, it's about his selfishness… I mean, I can admit that he's a coward. All right. No problem. But what about me?. I'm his girl, right??. He could have grabbed me in his flight to the toilets. Don't you think?. I didn't want to make a scene with our colleague but we had a big row later on. He didn't even apologyze. He just said he din't know why he'd done that. And that's all. That made me think a lot. What would he do in a critical situation???. I guess the same. I mean, save his ass and forget about me.
I don't know if I'm being too histerical at this but something made me remember it and now I can't get rid of this nasty feeling. Maybe he's also a chicken for commitment. Maybe if I saw him willing to commit I would feel like committing too. Don't know….Maybe my lack of enthusiasm and my recent lack of passion is only due to his attitude…. Maybe the Egyptian Prince is just the consequence and not the cause… don't know …don't know… don't know.
posted by spanish_moza at 4:04 PM
4 Comments:
Hi Spanish Moza,
It is my first time here and I nearly read most of your posts.
I do feel most of your feeligs very well. I'll not take the position of advisor, but you may find it helpful to read this book:
1- Man and Woman, he creadted them. (Jean Vanier) Here you can find some links to get it.
http://www.christianbits.co.uk/product.php?id=0232516421
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0809127512/002-4667163-3259240?v=glance&n=283155
It will really take you to the depth of your humanity and help you take a more joyful decisions in your life.
By the way if you would like to talk with someone who have a big ear, you can find my email in the profile and on my blog.
Hi Eyewitness!!!
Thanks a lot for your advice. I've been taking a look at the book in the internet and it seems very interesting. I'll check if I can get it.
Very pretty site! Keep working. thnx!
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I really enjoyed looking at your site, I found it very helpful indeed, keep up the good work.
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