A new phase

I'm full of energy. I'm eager to sort out the issues I've been running from for the past year and a half. I'm on a crossroad now. I know it's a critical point in my lilfe, and very soon I'll have to choose one path or the other.
At least my mood is excellent. I've left behind the dark times, I've left behind all the quarrels, all my tears and my frustration. The situation is the same, but it's me who's different.
I know I'm strong enough to live without him, in case that is what I choose. If I choose to be with him, It will be for good.
A new phase is about to begin, and I'm ready for it :-)

The Egyptian Prince gets engaged

I had this conversation about two months ago. The last times we'd talked he was always asking me if I was dating someone, now it makes sense to me why is he insisting so much.... I've cut the nor relevant parts of the conversation.

Egyptian Prince: Good morning sweetie
Spanish Moza: morning....
Egyptian Prince: How is life
Spanish Moza: life's busy
Egyptian Prince: So u didnt pass by egypt after all
Spanish Moza: im supposed to go in january
Egyptian Prince: R u seeing someone these days?
Spanish Moza: sort of, and u?
Egyptian Prince: I have a fiancee now
Spanish Moza: really???, thats super good hey
Egyptian Prince: Yeah it is
Spanish Moza: so when's the wedding?, r u inviting us???
Egyptian Prince: Well she is still in her final year, it might take a year from now
Egyptian Prince: And sure u will be all invited
Spanish Moza:ok, so ill prepare a nice dress for that day
Egyptian Prince: U have to

So, what do you think of this?. It was just a matter of time for him to get engaged, but even so, I have to admit that it hurts. Besides, I don't see the point or the need in telling me. He's the one that always starts the conversations and tells me that he misses me. And why does he need to find out if I have a boyfriend now?. This is obviously over, so why all the hassle?
Thing is my next project is in Cairo, so I might see him again. I'm curious about his girlfriend. Would he have the guts to introduce her to me ? :-)

Put a lebanese in your life, yalla!!!

I'm sure there must be "normal" lebanese guys... but I happen not to know any. I find too many similarities among the ones I've met. So self assured, so loud, so proud of being lebanese with that happy go lucky womanizer attitude... they usually suck. When I first met C I didn't feel particularly attracted to him but after a couple of hours, when we were sitting together in the meeting room I caught myself staring at his beautiful and big hands (with a wedding ring) and at his big arms. He's not specially hot, but there's something really manly about him, very appealing. As I started dealing with him I liked him even more. Intelligent guy, same sense of humour as me. I enjoyed his company, I liked working with him and I know he felt the same about me. A special bond was created between us related to this project issue, but I liked it even if it was only professional. We shared a secret and it was our secret like he remarked. His first sms were strictly professional, but as days went by, sms became more personal. While we were working we made all the breaks together But..... he was married, so It was out of the question (the good thing is that I didn't lie about my boyfriend, for a change). By the time we had a free evening and we went out for a drink I was totally lost. I wanted him. He's intelligent, and I've always found intelligent guys totally sexy. I just can't resist an intelligent man if he knows how to play me. He told me he was missing his son badly. So that left me with my feet on the ground. Married, with a small baby, so stop thinking nonsense, I told to myself. However, I could feel he wanted me too. Sometimes I thought it was my imagination, but now that I think about it, it was obvious that sexual tension was increasing day by day. Our attitude, our conversations, the moments we spent together, our private coffee breaks. It was him the first to suggest to get rid of our colleague and meet alone, just the two of us. I told him we just couldn't do something so mean, even though I wanted it. That's how it all started. Teenager's phone conversations, sms in the middle of the nigth. Getting more and more explicit, and getting me more and more excited. He was pushing it, trying to make it seem like something casual and innocent, but it wasn't. It wasn't casual at all. We wanted each other, we had a real urge for each other. I knew he was married and he had a baby, and I knew that for me it would mean crossing a line I've never crossed before, but after all, it was him who had all those responsibilities and not me. It was his problem, his decission and I despise him for that. That reassures me in what I think of human males. He denied cheating on his wife. But I know I'm not the first one and I won't be the last one, no matter what he says. I'm not saying I'm innocent either though I made him beleive I was, once more. I made him beleive that I was fighting with myself and eventually gave up. I could have been an actress. Shame that I found out too late.
C knows how to treat a woman. He's far more experienced than me. He knew I was nervous so he was tender and pacient with me. We had such a craving for each other. Looking into each other's eyes. Didn't loose eye contact not even for a second. I was lost in his eyes, almost dizzy. He was so passionate and so considerate, at the same time.
I remember our reflection in the mirror. We were sitting on a sofa and he was holding me like a baby. His big, tanned arms, holding me. Making my body look fragile and pale while I was seating in his lap. We should get a painter right now, he said, while looking into my eyes through the mirror. He was right. I felt beautiful, and sexy in his arms. It felt so right even if I knew that was totally wrong.
He didn't want to stay over and wake up by my side, because that would make him feel terrible. But that, exactly was what made me feel terrible. What kind of hypocritical bastard I bumped into?. I wanted him to stay and hold me in my sleep. I still have nightmares, and wake up crying in the middle of the night. So one moment not only our bodies but our souls are one and the next he leaves because he never cheats on his wife????. So pathetic. So according to his double standard that makes me even laugh. He wanted to stay, I could feel it, but he left because he thought it was the right thing to do. Fine.

The last night we met the told me that I must forget him as soon as I got into the plane, that I must avoid getting haunted by our story. It's hilarious how some guys think so high of themselves. Excuse me Mr. Charming, did you say haunted????. Come on, I can only feel comtempt for you, and I'm using you as much as you're using me... so cut the crap. It's true that my use of him is different from his use of me. I wanted company, I wanted somebody to hold me while I cry and confort me. I wanted a friend, a close soul, so I could relax and stop pretending everything was fine. Because, even after almost four months abroad, and this frantic way of life, I still experience the same pain inside me, the same feeling of loss, the same grieve. But, anyway, I'm not going to fall in love with your lebanese ass. I can't possibly think how on earth he can be so vain.

I'd lie if I said that I don't think of him, and I know he thinks of me as well. He broke the agreement and eventually texted me, mailed me, chatted to me and even called me, always with a bussinesslike tone, and with a lame excuse. I'm not going to let myself go with this story. I've learnt so much the hard way in the last three years, that right now I make sure that I keep myself detatched. I've never been a marriage person, but this only reassures me in my idea. This jerk should be with his his baby and his wife, that needs him badly right now (he had the nerve to tell me about his family problems). I do really hope that she never finds out about the kind of bastard she has at home.

As to me, I want to move on, I want to get over my issues and live a happy bastard-free life.

L is still mine

I can feel he's still mine. I know him so well. He was fighting with himself, but I won the battle. He ignored me at the beginning of my stay here but as days went by and I kept on ignoring him he looked for me. He came closer and closer. At first it was an email every now and then. Then one day he connected to the messenger after five months missing ( I guess he just removed my banning), and we started talking in the messenger. Then came the sms, and eventually we met. Our first meeting was a bit akward. Talking like old friends and avoiding dangerous subjects. I was calmer than the first time we met. Controlling the situation. I knew he had to go, but I could feel he wanted to stay longer with me. He called me late that night, like in the old times. That's when I realized he was still mine. He told me he'd call me tomorrow and he didn't call in the whole weekend, but I didn't worry. I already knew he was still mine. I haven't lost my effect over him, no matter how hard he fights it. Then after being missing several days he called me for dinner and from then on we've been meeting from time to time. Shopping and lunch together, movies... I eventually tried to talk about our blurry situation but he told me please don't start. Fine.. that's how he sorted it out. Fine. This last week he's been a bit crossed. He's angry with me, and above all, I'd say he's angry with himself for his behaviour towards me. He holds me really tight when we sleep together... tight, tight, even though when he's awake he's not affectionate to me. I'm leaving tomorrow, so tonight's my last night but I have plans with other people. I didn't dare to tell him and I don't think he'll try to meet me tonight. I hope he doesn't actually, because he's going to be really angry if I tell him I have plans. Yesterday was our anniversay. I didn't want to mention it, though I'm sure he remembers. But none of us said anything. I didn't want to ask him if he knew what day it was, because he was so crossed that he would have said no and I would have been upset. So this has been the thing this time. Unstable balance, pending on a thread. Avoiding any type of serious subject, pretending not to care and having a nonchalant attitude. This morning when we wake up I told him: L, you know I love you, don't you? and he slowly nodded while he held me tight....

The definitive resurrection of the Egyptian Prince

Egyptian Prince: Moza, hello

Spanish Moza:hi
EP:how r u sweetie
SM:im fine... and U
EP:miss ur lovely appearance, my life is incomplete without you
SM:? then come down here, this country is amazing
EP:SA? or Spain?
SM:yeah sa
EP:really?,r u enjoying your time there?
SM: yeah... a lot
EP:i miss yo u i miss you i miss you
EP:do you have a boy friend with you
SM:no i dont have a bf...
EP:what about a fast visit to cairo
SM: no man, its far
EP:not at all, same Africa
SM:u come here
EP:i want to come but i am about to launch ....it's really hard to take a week
SM:same lame excuses huh??
EP:ok, what about inviting you for a trip for two to sharm el sheikh only the two of us ?
SM: lol, cut the crap
EP:would you refuse my offer?
EP:which crap ?
SP: Prince, the last two times i've been two cairo you've behaved like an ass ,so i don't know why u keep playing honestly
EP: i didn't behave like an ass , i played it clean with no bad heart feelings
EP: i am not playing, i am just missing you
SM:comon, you told me u were alone and u had a girl, u heated me up and then run away, you behaved like a real jerk
EP: the real jerk would get his pleasure from you and cheat on his gf, then leave you without any emotions towards you, the real man, never cheat
SM:so.. cool, why go on playing then?
EP:cuz simply i like you..and couldn't keeep it inside
SM:u know, its been three years now since we firt met
EP:three only? !!
SM:i liked u so much..it was pure and clean, but u made it ugly and dirty. i had feelings for u... but u blew it
EP:no i kept it just clean, believe me the most right thing i have done it by that time
SM: sure... but u should never have started talked about sex, u crossed the line
EP:if i would have done something else, you would have hated me more than now
SM:and dont b stupid, i dont hate u
EP:you would have said i am the jerk who play with anything he finds in front of him
SM:actually i think thats what u do, must b ur way i guess
EP: i have never had any bad feelings towards you, even if you went away for a long time with no news, i have been very considerant
SM: i dont have bad feelings about you either...
EP:i crossed the line cuz i really liked you after all
SM:yeah but there was no way back u see... cos meeting after that it only implies that we're both thinking about the same, and thats not nice, its dirty
EP:it's not ,if you, i mean, i am still thinking of us
SM: theres no us Prince
EP:thanks
SM:i was ready to meet u in europe, remember?, we couldnt make it, so i found this opportunitiy to go to cairo and i took it, and u fucked it up telling me that id better not
EP:comeon, my sister was delivering her baby... remeber !!! these were extremely nice memories
SM:I liked u so much that even if i knew it was crazy i was ready to take the risk, but u blew it... cos u were only playing, and i wasnt
EP: you know something, honestly,with no hard feelings, any relation that went to sexual it turns to a mess
SM:thats what im telling u!!, u crossed the line and theres no way back
SM:im telling u that my feelings were pure.. i had a guy when i met u and i dumped him cos i was so shocked after meeting u
EP:just close your eyes and think of me, would feel like missing me or not? if we had a heavy one night stand relation you would have hated me now
SM:my feelings were pure and clean
EP:mine were too. if i dumped my gf by that time, how would you trust me then.how would you trust that i won't dump you for someone else?
SM:thats stupid, u can never b sure of that...
EP:i am loyal, may be it's in my culture, religion, character, don't really know
SM:i mean u meet many ppl in ur life and that things happen all the time
SM: im loyal... if i had stayed with him i would have been cheating on him... cos i was thinking about u
EP:for me i am sure of dumping someone for someone ekse, is the most stupid thing in the world
cuz real love isn't build on snap shots
SM:if u feel interested in other ppl that means that its not real love at least thats what i think
when im with a guy i cant b thinking of anybody else... if im interested in other ppl... .then definitely hes not my man, thats how i undesrtand love
EP: sometimes sexual calll is harder than true love, put this into ur consideration
SM:not for me. ure a guy, guys are different for that
EP:i was terribely physically attracted to you, i am still to tell you the truth. we can still revive anything, i believe so
SM:i cannot b physically attracted to someone it doesnt interest me, even the hottest guy.. if he's dumb i wouldnt even consider it. i was attracted to u cos of that, cos u were funny, energetic, wittty. thats why i liked u, the rest came later
EP:and now i am not ?
SM:i was curious and i wanted to know u a bit more, but u showed me who u are... and now im not curious anymore

End of the conversation.... interesting huh??

Sad Disbelief

I still can't believe that he hasn't done anything about me being here. Is this really the man I loved?. Maybe I never knew him.
It makes me so anxious to know that he's so close physically that I feel the urge to call him again, to meet him again. I won't do that though. He's proving to be such a cold blooded bastard. I never thought he was a bad person. I always defended his good feelings in spite of his bad manners. But now, I have to admit that I was probably wrong. He knows P has died and I'm alone here. He must know how miserable I feel That would be more than enough to cut all the crap and vanish all the resentment, but he doesn't even send a simple sms to ask how I feel, or how I am. I refuse to believe it, but days go bye and I have no news from him. I was hoping that he'd say something today at the office, to ask about Easter weekend or something. But nothing of the kind. He's silent. He's not there anymore for me. He's gone. :-(

Christoph

Thursday night. In a daze. Thinking about L all the time. With my two morons of colleagues. I don’t want to have a drink after dinner. I just want to go back to my hotel. To be left alone to cry at ease. Unfortunately, this crap city won’t allow me to come back alone, it’s too dangerous. So I need to stay for that drink with them. They promise just one. OK. So, we’re checking the chicks at the club, and colleagues, as usual, ask me if I like any of the guys there. And as usual I say no, they suck…..mmmm, wait a minute. Let me see… that one looks promising. I don’t like blonds though. He stands up. He must be like 2 meters tall. Strong and proportionate. Dressed in shirt and jeans. Absolutely my style. He turns around so I can see his face. He looks like a model. Wow…I tell the guys I like that one. And they say, well, yeah, c'mon, we like him as well. Do you really have such a high standard?. We laugh and we get our drinks. The guy is with some friends. Talking with two girls who look pretty vulgar and slutty. He looks at me. He’s so hot he’s almost breathtaking. I mean it. The guy goes to get a drink and his friend starts talking to me in spite of my colleagues who seem pretty pissed. Cool, this is amusing. His friend is nice, actually. We talk about working in South Africa, and when he asks me where I’m staying he tells me I should meet his friend because he stays in the same hotel as me. Interesting. So he introduces him to me. I like the way he shakes my hand. Beautiful hands, by the way ( you know I’ve got an issue with hands). He’s so tall that he needs to be totally lowered so he can talk to me. He starts speaking in Spanish. First surprise. Super cute. He only knows a few sentences. He asks me what I’m doing in South Africa and for which company I work. He tells me he’s seen me at the hotel these past days (he noticing me??, I can’t believe this). He asks my name again. I like that. His name is Christoph. I can see from the corner of my eyes that my colleagues are pissed. I try to introduce them to the guys but they don’t want. I can see that vulgar girls looking at us as well, so I guess it’s time to go. It was nice while it lasted. I say goodbye to him. Back in my room I keep thinking about L. I can’t sleep even though I’m really tired. Hours go by but I’m not able to sleep. So I get up to get some water and I see this envelope somebody passed under my door. I take it. Must he another hotel invitation for an event or something. The envelope is handwritten in Spanish, with my name. I’m puzzled. I open it and start reading. The handwriting is a bit difficult to understand. Says hola in Spanish. Nice meeting you. I was wondering if you’d feel like going out for a drink once I’m back. I forgot to ask you for your details so here is my local number. Enjoy your holidays. Christoph. I read it again and again. What’s is this??? A joke?. The fist thing I think is that the guys are teasing me. It must be them. Then I realize they don’t know his name. And the number. C’mon. That can’t be happening to me. I just can’t believe it. I stare at the note. Dumb. Finally I get my phone and I text that number. I can’t sleep. Sure, It’d be nice having a drink. This is my number here so let me know when you’re back. Enjoy your Easter holiday. I can’t sleep for the rest of the night. I wonder if he’d reply or just leave it till he’s back. He replies. I woke up with a headache but already feeling better after your message. I’m having breakfast now. His reply leaves me with a stupid smile on my face. I have to meet my colleagues at the lobby but I don’t want to meet him. I’m afraid he changes his mind when he sees me again. It’s too great to be true. I see him having breakfast from the lift and he sees me. He stands up. Damn. I can’t pretend not to see him. I go to his table and say hello. He’s gorgeous. Much more handsome in daylight. I feel dizzy and think that I must look like a zombie after my sleepless night. Somehow I manage to act pretty cool and natural. I sit down and finally order a capucino. We talk for a while though for me is difficult to stay focused. Beautiful blue eyes. Look at those arms. Look at those hands. He asks me if he woke me up with the note. No, I couldn’t sleep…. But I was so puzzled. How did you find out my room number?. Well, sorry about that. He smiles. I want to die that very moment. I hope you don’t care, but I’ve been in this hotel for a while so I know the people working here. I remembered your name, something that I’m really proud of, considering my state last night, and your company, so I told the guys and they managed to find your room. I still can’t believe what he’s telling me. My colleagues start calling me on the phone, and I have to go. I say goodbye to him and levitate back to the lift. This is too good to be true. I’m so excited that I can’t help smsing him from my Spanish number so he can have it as well. Yes, yes, I know it’s a mistake…. I’ll try to behave from now on. So he replies telling me that he’s looking forward to our dinner. Dinner???? Wasn’t it a drink?. Gosh. So this is it. I have a date in two weeks.

So I saw him

At the end of my second week in the office at Johannesburg, after having called him to his desk like a maniac several times a day everyday. I didn’t see him or saw any trace of him and I was wondering if he was in the country at all. I didn’t intend to speak to him or anything. Just wanted to find out if he was in the office, but I made a unforgivable mistake. One of the times I forgot to hide my number, so when he came back from his trip he returned my call. I was so puzzled when he called me that I didn’t even recognize his voice at first. I tried to appear cool and said, well, yeah, I called you because I’m here an just wanted to let you know. We met for a coffee. I was literally trembling. Almost a year since the last time we met. He’s much thinner, much more good looking than ever. I was with a colleague at first, so the situation was pretty akward. I asked him politely about everything and everybody I could think of. I mentioned I’ve met his friend in the canteen at the beginning of the week and he told me the friend called to tell him. So he knew. He knew I was in South Africa but hadn’t done anything about it. Cool. Then he asked about P. That was really difficult. I just told him she died, and I don’t want to talk about it. I almost broke down. OK, he said. Not even I’m sorry. Not even a gesture of sympathy or something. Cool.
When my colleague left I asked him to stay with me for a little while. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting of him. But I somehow I wanted him to react when he saw me, specially after finding out about P. I wanted him to feel sorry for having let me down when I most needed him. For leaving me alone in the most terrible moment of my life. I din’t talk much either. I only told him that I was hesitating about calling him but that I thought it would be better to call him than just running into him in the canteen. We spent a while talking nonsense and finally he suggested we should go back to work. Damn. I was thinking the same. It should have been me the one to said that. To end the conversation. It was so weird. We didn’t say anything about meeting again. We just said goodbye, that’s all. While I was on the elevator I was already in tears. I spent the rest of the day on a daze. I didn’t expect him to cause me such an impression when meeting again. I should have been ready for that. But I wasn’t. I was expecting him to talk to me on the messenger or to say anything after that. But he didn’t. I was expecting him to ask if we could meet that very evening before the long weekend. But he didn’t. I somehow needed to talk to him, so I emailed him with the excuse of needing to rent a car and we changed a couple of emails. I apologized for being cold and snappy when I told him about P. I was somehow trying to find a way to meet him out of the office. But the bastard knows me too well, so he didn’t replied to the mails like I expected either. Cool . I spent Thursay evening totally devastated. Checking the phone every minute, because It seems I’m so naïf that I was still expecting him to sms me. Actually, I’ve been expecting that the whole freaking weekend. By now I should be totally persuaded that he’s not going to make any move, but don’t ask me why I still think that he will react to my presence here. I just can’t imagine him being so cool to my proximity after all we’ve been through. If he ever loved me like he said, this must affect him one way or the other. It really hurts to think about him being serious with somebody else but, of course, that’s a possibility I have to consider. Actually, I’m sure that it was somebody else who gave him the strength to break this insane dependency with me, but my sixth sense tells me that he’s not had anything important up to now.
Anyway, considering that R is coming over in four days, this is the best that could happen to me. The consequences of L finding out about R are really scary, so I guess right now, it’s better this way.
L comes back on Wednesday from his holiday, so I don’t know If he would tell me anything at the office. I keep waiting. The next two weeks I can’t do absolutely anything about this, since I’m taking leave to spend some time with R, so let’s wait and see.