Sad Disbelief

I still can't believe that he hasn't done anything about me being here. Is this really the man I loved?. Maybe I never knew him.
It makes me so anxious to know that he's so close physically that I feel the urge to call him again, to meet him again. I won't do that though. He's proving to be such a cold blooded bastard. I never thought he was a bad person. I always defended his good feelings in spite of his bad manners. But now, I have to admit that I was probably wrong. He knows P has died and I'm alone here. He must know how miserable I feel That would be more than enough to cut all the crap and vanish all the resentment, but he doesn't even send a simple sms to ask how I feel, or how I am. I refuse to believe it, but days go bye and I have no news from him. I was hoping that he'd say something today at the office, to ask about Easter weekend or something. But nothing of the kind. He's silent. He's not there anymore for me. He's gone. :-(

Christoph

Thursday night. In a daze. Thinking about L all the time. With my two morons of colleagues. I don’t want to have a drink after dinner. I just want to go back to my hotel. To be left alone to cry at ease. Unfortunately, this crap city won’t allow me to come back alone, it’s too dangerous. So I need to stay for that drink with them. They promise just one. OK. So, we’re checking the chicks at the club, and colleagues, as usual, ask me if I like any of the guys there. And as usual I say no, they suck…..mmmm, wait a minute. Let me see… that one looks promising. I don’t like blonds though. He stands up. He must be like 2 meters tall. Strong and proportionate. Dressed in shirt and jeans. Absolutely my style. He turns around so I can see his face. He looks like a model. Wow…I tell the guys I like that one. And they say, well, yeah, c'mon, we like him as well. Do you really have such a high standard?. We laugh and we get our drinks. The guy is with some friends. Talking with two girls who look pretty vulgar and slutty. He looks at me. He’s so hot he’s almost breathtaking. I mean it. The guy goes to get a drink and his friend starts talking to me in spite of my colleagues who seem pretty pissed. Cool, this is amusing. His friend is nice, actually. We talk about working in South Africa, and when he asks me where I’m staying he tells me I should meet his friend because he stays in the same hotel as me. Interesting. So he introduces him to me. I like the way he shakes my hand. Beautiful hands, by the way ( you know I’ve got an issue with hands). He’s so tall that he needs to be totally lowered so he can talk to me. He starts speaking in Spanish. First surprise. Super cute. He only knows a few sentences. He asks me what I’m doing in South Africa and for which company I work. He tells me he’s seen me at the hotel these past days (he noticing me??, I can’t believe this). He asks my name again. I like that. His name is Christoph. I can see from the corner of my eyes that my colleagues are pissed. I try to introduce them to the guys but they don’t want. I can see that vulgar girls looking at us as well, so I guess it’s time to go. It was nice while it lasted. I say goodbye to him. Back in my room I keep thinking about L. I can’t sleep even though I’m really tired. Hours go by but I’m not able to sleep. So I get up to get some water and I see this envelope somebody passed under my door. I take it. Must he another hotel invitation for an event or something. The envelope is handwritten in Spanish, with my name. I’m puzzled. I open it and start reading. The handwriting is a bit difficult to understand. Says hola in Spanish. Nice meeting you. I was wondering if you’d feel like going out for a drink once I’m back. I forgot to ask you for your details so here is my local number. Enjoy your holidays. Christoph. I read it again and again. What’s is this??? A joke?. The fist thing I think is that the guys are teasing me. It must be them. Then I realize they don’t know his name. And the number. C’mon. That can’t be happening to me. I just can’t believe it. I stare at the note. Dumb. Finally I get my phone and I text that number. I can’t sleep. Sure, It’d be nice having a drink. This is my number here so let me know when you’re back. Enjoy your Easter holiday. I can’t sleep for the rest of the night. I wonder if he’d reply or just leave it till he’s back. He replies. I woke up with a headache but already feeling better after your message. I’m having breakfast now. His reply leaves me with a stupid smile on my face. I have to meet my colleagues at the lobby but I don’t want to meet him. I’m afraid he changes his mind when he sees me again. It’s too great to be true. I see him having breakfast from the lift and he sees me. He stands up. Damn. I can’t pretend not to see him. I go to his table and say hello. He’s gorgeous. Much more handsome in daylight. I feel dizzy and think that I must look like a zombie after my sleepless night. Somehow I manage to act pretty cool and natural. I sit down and finally order a capucino. We talk for a while though for me is difficult to stay focused. Beautiful blue eyes. Look at those arms. Look at those hands. He asks me if he woke me up with the note. No, I couldn’t sleep…. But I was so puzzled. How did you find out my room number?. Well, sorry about that. He smiles. I want to die that very moment. I hope you don’t care, but I’ve been in this hotel for a while so I know the people working here. I remembered your name, something that I’m really proud of, considering my state last night, and your company, so I told the guys and they managed to find your room. I still can’t believe what he’s telling me. My colleagues start calling me on the phone, and I have to go. I say goodbye to him and levitate back to the lift. This is too good to be true. I’m so excited that I can’t help smsing him from my Spanish number so he can have it as well. Yes, yes, I know it’s a mistake…. I’ll try to behave from now on. So he replies telling me that he’s looking forward to our dinner. Dinner???? Wasn’t it a drink?. Gosh. So this is it. I have a date in two weeks.

So I saw him

At the end of my second week in the office at Johannesburg, after having called him to his desk like a maniac several times a day everyday. I didn’t see him or saw any trace of him and I was wondering if he was in the country at all. I didn’t intend to speak to him or anything. Just wanted to find out if he was in the office, but I made a unforgivable mistake. One of the times I forgot to hide my number, so when he came back from his trip he returned my call. I was so puzzled when he called me that I didn’t even recognize his voice at first. I tried to appear cool and said, well, yeah, I called you because I’m here an just wanted to let you know. We met for a coffee. I was literally trembling. Almost a year since the last time we met. He’s much thinner, much more good looking than ever. I was with a colleague at first, so the situation was pretty akward. I asked him politely about everything and everybody I could think of. I mentioned I’ve met his friend in the canteen at the beginning of the week and he told me the friend called to tell him. So he knew. He knew I was in South Africa but hadn’t done anything about it. Cool. Then he asked about P. That was really difficult. I just told him she died, and I don’t want to talk about it. I almost broke down. OK, he said. Not even I’m sorry. Not even a gesture of sympathy or something. Cool.
When my colleague left I asked him to stay with me for a little while. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting of him. But I somehow I wanted him to react when he saw me, specially after finding out about P. I wanted him to feel sorry for having let me down when I most needed him. For leaving me alone in the most terrible moment of my life. I din’t talk much either. I only told him that I was hesitating about calling him but that I thought it would be better to call him than just running into him in the canteen. We spent a while talking nonsense and finally he suggested we should go back to work. Damn. I was thinking the same. It should have been me the one to said that. To end the conversation. It was so weird. We didn’t say anything about meeting again. We just said goodbye, that’s all. While I was on the elevator I was already in tears. I spent the rest of the day on a daze. I didn’t expect him to cause me such an impression when meeting again. I should have been ready for that. But I wasn’t. I was expecting him to talk to me on the messenger or to say anything after that. But he didn’t. I was expecting him to ask if we could meet that very evening before the long weekend. But he didn’t. I somehow needed to talk to him, so I emailed him with the excuse of needing to rent a car and we changed a couple of emails. I apologized for being cold and snappy when I told him about P. I was somehow trying to find a way to meet him out of the office. But the bastard knows me too well, so he didn’t replied to the mails like I expected either. Cool . I spent Thursay evening totally devastated. Checking the phone every minute, because It seems I’m so naïf that I was still expecting him to sms me. Actually, I’ve been expecting that the whole freaking weekend. By now I should be totally persuaded that he’s not going to make any move, but don’t ask me why I still think that he will react to my presence here. I just can’t imagine him being so cool to my proximity after all we’ve been through. If he ever loved me like he said, this must affect him one way or the other. It really hurts to think about him being serious with somebody else but, of course, that’s a possibility I have to consider. Actually, I’m sure that it was somebody else who gave him the strength to break this insane dependency with me, but my sixth sense tells me that he’s not had anything important up to now.
Anyway, considering that R is coming over in four days, this is the best that could happen to me. The consequences of L finding out about R are really scary, so I guess right now, it’s better this way.
L comes back on Wednesday from his holiday, so I don’t know If he would tell me anything at the office. I keep waiting. The next two weeks I can’t do absolutely anything about this, since I’m taking leave to spend some time with R, so let’s wait and see.