My fairy godmother
After almost three weeks I broke down and I called you. Just wanted to know if you were still there…. If you'd respond to me if I needed you. You did. I'm grateful… I know I did wrong… I knew before I called you that we had faced a dead end a couple of months ago. But even so I still refused to get used to the idea that this was it. We shared our moment in time… a beautiful, unforgetable moment. I played my role…I lived a life that wasn't mine, pretending that I was someone else, but I couldn't go on with the lie much longer. We are not meant to be. This is simply impossible. It's romantic, strong, absurd, wild, crazy, passionate, dangerous, sweet, but unfortunately it's not possible. Love is not enough… there are practical considerations that need to be taken into account. Damn… why do I miss you so much?
Yet I didn't want to waste the opportunity of meeting you again… if only for a coffee. I needed you to know that I was coming next week. I needed you to think about it. I needed you to need to see me also. Apparently it worked. When you phoned me drunk and called me love again you made me beleive that it had been just that easy. But it wasn't. Only took two days before we started fighting again. I cannot blame you. You're right in certain way, that is, I cannot disappear for three weeks, refusing to answer the phone if you call me and then come back to your life pretending nothing has changed. But my reasons were strong. You were killing me. You kill me but without you I feel like dying. Difficult choice, huh?
I've always been a person sensitive to intuition and "signals". Right now I have this scary theory which I cannot get rid of. All this time it's been like if I've had a fairy godmother protecting me. I've been about to get caught many times, about to loose the person I love the most. I've been going through the most surreal situation, like in an Almodovar film. Most of the anecdotes are really funny (for a film, I mean, not for your own life), but I don't dare to tell too much about it. I don't know if someone I know might come across my blog and identify me.
Coming back to my theory, the thing is that all this time I felt a kind of protection, it was like if someone didn't want me to fuck up my life, and gave me another chance day by day. Beleive me, I've been lucky all this time not to get caught. But now I have the feeling that this protection is gone. Well, not the protection but I have the feeling that this someone who was protecting me before doesn't want me to go on with this and it's sending me signals all the time. Bad things have happened. Things to prevent us from meeting again. The last thing has been terrible. One of your best friends has died. I was so dumbstruck when you told me. Yet we were fighting and I didn't know how to behave.
I feel terribly sorry for you. I know what you must been going through right now… You were answering me badly because everybody was calling you. I didn't want to bother you… but yet it hurts me that you don't need me in a moment like this. And it makes me wonder what is going to happen. Today is the funeral and we were supposed to meet in a week, so what are we going to do now? I don't know how is this going to affect you, but it's pretty obvious that you don't want me by your side right now. I can understand it, for sure, but it makes me anxious about us. I don't know what you expect from me. I'd like to meet you, to hug you and to comfort you from your loss. I'm telling you all the time that you've got me here if you need me but I'm not sure if that's enough for you.
I don't want to force things. If this is the end, it will only be a matter of time for me to assimilate it.
Anyway, I don't want to take advantage of my fairy godmother… I've had such a happy time with you, and I can hold on to that, knowing that I once was your highest priority. Besides, I'm coming back to deep Africa shortly and this is always thrilling either with or without you. I can't but wait and see what the future brings...
Yet I didn't want to waste the opportunity of meeting you again… if only for a coffee. I needed you to know that I was coming next week. I needed you to think about it. I needed you to need to see me also. Apparently it worked. When you phoned me drunk and called me love again you made me beleive that it had been just that easy. But it wasn't. Only took two days before we started fighting again. I cannot blame you. You're right in certain way, that is, I cannot disappear for three weeks, refusing to answer the phone if you call me and then come back to your life pretending nothing has changed. But my reasons were strong. You were killing me. You kill me but without you I feel like dying. Difficult choice, huh?
I've always been a person sensitive to intuition and "signals". Right now I have this scary theory which I cannot get rid of. All this time it's been like if I've had a fairy godmother protecting me. I've been about to get caught many times, about to loose the person I love the most. I've been going through the most surreal situation, like in an Almodovar film. Most of the anecdotes are really funny (for a film, I mean, not for your own life), but I don't dare to tell too much about it. I don't know if someone I know might come across my blog and identify me.
Coming back to my theory, the thing is that all this time I felt a kind of protection, it was like if someone didn't want me to fuck up my life, and gave me another chance day by day. Beleive me, I've been lucky all this time not to get caught. But now I have the feeling that this protection is gone. Well, not the protection but I have the feeling that this someone who was protecting me before doesn't want me to go on with this and it's sending me signals all the time. Bad things have happened. Things to prevent us from meeting again. The last thing has been terrible. One of your best friends has died. I was so dumbstruck when you told me. Yet we were fighting and I didn't know how to behave.
I feel terribly sorry for you. I know what you must been going through right now… You were answering me badly because everybody was calling you. I didn't want to bother you… but yet it hurts me that you don't need me in a moment like this. And it makes me wonder what is going to happen. Today is the funeral and we were supposed to meet in a week, so what are we going to do now? I don't know how is this going to affect you, but it's pretty obvious that you don't want me by your side right now. I can understand it, for sure, but it makes me anxious about us. I don't know what you expect from me. I'd like to meet you, to hug you and to comfort you from your loss. I'm telling you all the time that you've got me here if you need me but I'm not sure if that's enough for you.
I don't want to force things. If this is the end, it will only be a matter of time for me to assimilate it.
Anyway, I don't want to take advantage of my fairy godmother… I've had such a happy time with you, and I can hold on to that, knowing that I once was your highest priority. Besides, I'm coming back to deep Africa shortly and this is always thrilling either with or without you. I can't but wait and see what the future brings...
posted by spanish_moza at 5:18 PM
3 Comments:
Spanish Girl, I'm happy you could feel this fairy godmother. Try to build a stronger relation with her as it seems from your words that she really cares about you. Don't tell me how to build this relation, all I can say just try to hear her through the deepest sound in your heart.
Your post (life) is very interesting in that, you deal with a lot of realizations, contradictions and situations.
On the one hand, you want this person but you don’t want them,
You weren't yourself when you were with them, but sometimes that doesn’t matter to you.
And on the other, you realize that whatever it was that attracted you to them is still there even for a moment, even though when you get close again, you come back to when you feel like you have to leave.
- I really don’t know too much about what the whole situation is,
But from this excerpt, I can say, pulling from my life and past relationships is that,
Who we are and who we think we are is the most important thing to our individuality, it shapes us and when we feel like we aren't that person, it’s truly earth-shattering.
We have to be ourselves, and when we are in relationships where we are not who we think we are, WE HAVE TO LEAVE THEM.
When we get out of bad relationships, where we want the person and they don’t want you or vice-versa, we are stuck because they have everything we are attracted to, and then we remember the things about them, that we wish we didn't.
Lastly, I just suggest that you stick with your fairy godmother, intuition is everything, how we feel shapes all aspects of our lives and you do a disservice to yourself for coming back and forth with this person.
If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right. If it’s not real, then why deal with it? It may sound disheartening but what other choice is there?
To live one's live hoping for that person to come around, to miss opportunities to meet great people. To be stuck in limbo. You can't do that to yourself, and I tried to do that for a long time, but I realize that there are people out there who will treat you better, and closer to how you think you need to be loved.
Nice blog, BTW.
Hi Alphaprimer,
Sorry for taking that long to reply... I've been out for a while and things also got complicated.
Thanks for your advice.
I know that you're rigth when you say we have to be ourselves... it's just that it's amusing and refreshing to play another rol, just to check how it feels. Well, at least that was how it initially started. To scape from the routine. Eventually it got a bit messed up...lol
About intuition, I agree with you that's everything, and I almost always follow it... I didnt do it last time though.
Anyway, nice to meet you dude :-)
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