The secret life of a Spanish Moza

A new phase

2009-03-17T11:36:00.000+01:00

I'm full of energy. I'm eager to sort out the issues I've been running from for the past year and a half. I'm on a crossroad now. I know it's a critical point in my lilfe, and very soon I'll have to choose one path or the other.
At least my mood is excellent. I've left behind the dark times, I've left behind all the quarrels, all my tears and my frustration. The situation is the same, but it's me who's different.
I know I'm strong enough to live without him, in case that is what I choose. If I choose to be with him, It will be for good.
A new phase is about to begin, and I'm ready for it :-)

The Egyptian Prince gets engaged

2009-01-05T11:40:00.002+01:00

I had this conversation about two months ago. The last times we'd talked he was always asking me if I was dating someone, now it makes sense to me why is he insisting so much.... I've cut the nor relevant parts of the conversation.

Egyptian Prince: Good morning sweetie
Spanish Moza: morning....
Egyptian Prince: How is life
Spanish Moza: life's busy
Egyptian Prince: So u didnt pass by egypt after all
Spanish Moza: im supposed to go in january
Egyptian Prince: R u seeing someone these days?
Spanish Moza: sort of, and u?
Egyptian Prince: I have a fiancee now
Spanish Moza: really???, thats super good hey
Egyptian Prince: Yeah it is
Spanish Moza: so when's the wedding?, r u inviting us???
Egyptian Prince: Well she is still in her final year, it might take a year from now
Egyptian Prince: And sure u will be all invited
Spanish Moza:ok, so ill prepare a nice dress for that day
Egyptian Prince: U have to

So, what do you think of this?. It was just a matter of time for him to get engaged, but even so, I have to admit that it hurts. Besides, I don't see the point or the need in telling me. He's the one that always starts the conversations and tells me that he misses me. And why does he need to find out if I have a boyfriend now?. This is obviously over, so why all the hassle?
Thing is my next project is in Cairo, so I might see him again. I'm curious about his girlfriend. Would he have the guts to introduce her to me ? :-)

Put a lebanese in your life, yalla!!!

2008-08-13T18:10:00.002+02:00

I'm sure there must be "normal" lebanese guys... but I happen not to know any. I find too many similarities among the ones I've met. So self assured, so loud, so proud of being lebanese with that happy go lucky womanizer attitude... they usually suck. When I first met C I didn't feel particularly attracted to him but after a couple of hours, when we were sitting together in the meeting room I caught myself staring at his beautiful and big hands (with a wedding ring) and at his big arms. He's not specially hot, but there's something really manly about him, very appealing. As I started dealing with him I liked him even more. Intelligent guy, same sense of humour as me. I enjoyed his company, I liked working with him and I know he felt the same about me. A special bond was created between us related to this project issue, but I liked it even if it was only professional. We shared a secret and it was our secret like he remarked. His first sms were strictly professional, but as days went by, sms became more personal. While we were working we made all the breaks together But..... he was married, so It was out of the question (the good thing is that I didn't lie about my boyfriend, for a change). By the time we had a free evening and we went out for a drink I was totally lost. I wanted him. He's intelligent, and I've always found intelligent guys totally sexy. I just can't resist an intelligent man if he knows how to play me. He told me he was missing his son badly. So that left me with my feet on the ground. Married, with a small baby, so stop thinking nonsense, I told to myself. However, I could feel he wanted me too. Sometimes I thought it was my imagination, but now that I think about it, it was obvious that sexual tension was increasing day by day. Our attitude, our conversations, the moments we spent together, our private coffee breaks. It was him the first to suggest to get rid of our colleague and meet alone, just the two of us. I told him we just couldn't do something so mean, even though I wanted it. That's how it all started. Teenager's phone conversations, sms in the middle of the nigth. Getting more and more explicit, and getting me more and more excited. He was pushing it, trying to make it seem like something casual and innocent, but it wasn't. It wasn't casual at all. We wanted each other, we had a real urge for each other. I knew he was married and he had a baby, and I knew that for me it would mean crossing a line I've never crossed before, but after all, it was him who had all those responsibilities and not me. It was his problem, his decission and I despise him for that. That reassures me in what I think of human males. He denied cheating on his wife. But I know I'm not the first one and I won't be the last one, no matter what he says. I'm not saying I'm innocent either though I made him beleive I was, once more. I made him beleive that I was fighting with myself and eventually gave up. I could have been an actress. Shame that I found out too late.
C knows how to treat a woman. He's far more experienced than me. He knew I was nervous so he was tender and pacient with me. We had such a craving for each other. Looking into each other's eyes. Didn't loose eye contact not even for a second. I was lost in his eyes, almost dizzy. He was so passionate and so considerate, at the same time.
I remember our reflection in the mirror. We were sitting on a sofa and he was holding me like a baby. His big, tanned arms, holding me. Making my body look fragile and pale while I was seating in his lap. We should get a painter right now, he said, while looking into my eyes through the mirror. He was right. I felt beautiful, and sexy in his arms. It felt so right even if I knew that was totally wrong.
He didn't want to stay over and wake up by my side, because that would make him feel terrible. But that, exactly was what made me feel terrible. What kind of hypocritical bastard I bumped into?. I wanted him to stay and hold me in my sleep. I still have nightmares, and wake up crying in the middle of the night. So one moment not only our bodies but our souls are one and the next he leaves because he never cheats on his wife????. So pathetic. So according to his double standard that makes me even laugh. He wanted to stay, I could feel it, but he left because he thought it was the right thing to do. Fine.

The last night we met the told me that I must forget him as soon as I got into the plane, that I must avoid getting haunted by our story. It's hilarious how some guys think so high of themselves. Excuse me Mr. Charming, did you say haunted????. Come on, I can only feel comtempt for you, and I'm using you as much as you're using me... so cut the crap. It's true that my use of him is different from his use of me. I wanted company, I wanted somebody to hold me while I cry and confort me. I wanted a friend, a close soul, so I could relax and stop pretending everything was fine. Because, even after almost four months abroad, and this frantic way of life, I still experience the same pain inside me, the same feeling of loss, the same grieve. But, anyway, I'm not going to fall in love with your lebanese ass. I can't possibly think how on earth he can be so vain.

I'd lie if I said that I don't think of him, and I know he thinks of me as well. He broke the agreement and eventually texted me, mailed me, chatted to me and even called me, always with a bussinesslike tone, and with a lame excuse. I'm not going to let myself go with this story. I've learnt so much the hard way in the last three years, that right now I make sure that I keep myself detatched. I've never been a marriage person, but this only reassures me in my idea. This jerk should be with his his baby and his wife, that needs him badly right now (he had the nerve to tell me about his family problems). I do really hope that she never finds out about the kind of bastard she has at home.

As to me, I want to move on, I want to get over my issues and live a happy bastard-free life.

L is still mine

2008-06-11T15:14:00.001+02:00

I can feel he's still mine. I know him so well. He was fighting with himself, but I won the battle. He ignored me at the beginning of my stay here but as days went by and I kept on ignoring him he looked for me. He came closer and closer. At first it was an email every now and then. Then one day he connected to the messenger after five months missing ( I guess he just removed my banning), and we started talking in the messenger. Then came the sms, and eventually we met. Our first meeting was a bit akward. Talking like old friends and avoiding dangerous subjects. I was calmer than the first time we met. Controlling the situation. I knew he had to go, but I could feel he wanted to stay longer with me. He called me late that night, like in the old times. That's when I realized he was still mine. He told me he'd call me tomorrow and he didn't call in the whole weekend, but I didn't worry. I already knew he was still mine. I haven't lost my effect over him, no matter how hard he fights it. Then after being missing several days he called me for dinner and from then on we've been meeting from time to time. Shopping and lunch together, movies... I eventually tried to talk about our blurry situation but he told me please don't start. Fine.. that's how he sorted it out. Fine. This last week he's been a bit crossed. He's angry with me, and above all, I'd say he's angry with himself for his behaviour towards me. He holds me really tight when we sleep together... tight, tight, even though when he's awake he's not affectionate to me. I'm leaving tomorrow, so tonight's my last night but I have plans with other people. I didn't dare to tell him and I don't think he'll try to meet me tonight. I hope he doesn't actually, because he's going to be really angry if I tell him I have plans. Yesterday was our anniversay. I didn't want to mention it, though I'm sure he remembers. But none of us said anything. I didn't want to ask him if he knew what day it was, because he was so crossed that he would have said no and I would have been upset. So this has been the thing this time. Unstable balance, pending on a thread. Avoiding any type of serious subject, pretending not to care and having a nonchalant attitude. This morning when we wake up I told him: L, you know I love you, don't you? and he slowly nodded while he held me tight....

The definitive resurrection of the Egyptian Prince

2008-05-09T14:14:00.002+02:00

Egyptian Prince: Moza, hello

Spanish Moza:hi
EP:how r u sweetie
SM:im fine... and U
EP:miss ur lovely appearance, my life is incomplete without you
SM:? then come down here, this country is amazing
EP:SA? or Spain?
SM:yeah sa
EP:really?,r u enjoying your time there?
SM: yeah... a lot
EP:i miss yo u i miss you i miss you
EP:do you have a boy friend with you
SM:no i dont have a bf...
EP:what about a fast visit to cairo
SM: no man, its far
EP:not at all, same Africa
SM:u come here
EP:i want to come but i am about to launch ....it's really hard to take a week
SM:same lame excuses huh??
EP:ok, what about inviting you for a trip for two to sharm el sheikh only the two of us ?
SM: lol, cut the crap
EP:would you refuse my offer?
EP:which crap ?
SP: Prince, the last two times i've been two cairo you've behaved like an ass ,so i don't know why u keep playing honestly
EP: i didn't behave like an ass , i played it clean with no bad heart feelings
EP: i am not playing, i am just missing you
SM:comon, you told me u were alone and u had a girl, u heated me up and then run away, you behaved like a real jerk
EP: the real jerk would get his pleasure from you and cheat on his gf, then leave you without any emotions towards you, the real man, never cheat
SM:so.. cool, why go on playing then?
EP:cuz simply i like you..and couldn't keeep it inside
SM:u know, its been three years now since we firt met
EP:three only? !!
SM:i liked u so much..it was pure and clean, but u made it ugly and dirty. i had feelings for u... but u blew it
EP:no i kept it just clean, believe me the most right thing i have done it by that time
SM: sure... but u should never have started talked about sex, u crossed the line
EP:if i would have done something else, you would have hated me more than now
SM:and dont b stupid, i dont hate u
EP:you would have said i am the jerk who play with anything he finds in front of him
SM:actually i think thats what u do, must b ur way i guess
EP: i have never had any bad feelings towards you, even if you went away for a long time with no news, i have been very considerant
SM: i dont have bad feelings about you either...
EP:i crossed the line cuz i really liked you after all
SM:yeah but there was no way back u see... cos meeting after that it only implies that we're both thinking about the same, and thats not nice, its dirty
EP:it's not ,if you, i mean, i am still thinking of us
SM: theres no us Prince
EP:thanks
SM:i was ready to meet u in europe, remember?, we couldnt make it, so i found this opportunitiy to go to cairo and i took it, and u fucked it up telling me that id better not
EP:comeon, my sister was delivering her baby... remeber !!! these were extremely nice memories
SM:I liked u so much that even if i knew it was crazy i was ready to take the risk, but u blew it... cos u were only playing, and i wasnt
EP: you know something, honestly,with no hard feelings, any relation that went to sexual it turns to a mess
SM:thats what im telling u!!, u crossed the line and theres no way back
SM:im telling u that my feelings were pure.. i had a guy when i met u and i dumped him cos i was so shocked after meeting u
EP:just close your eyes and think of me, would feel like missing me or not? if we had a heavy one night stand relation you would have hated me now
SM:my feelings were pure and clean
EP:mine were too. if i dumped my gf by that time, how would you trust me then.how would you trust that i won't dump you for someone else?
SM:thats stupid, u can never b sure of that...
EP:i am loyal, may be it's in my culture, religion, character, don't really know
SM:i mean u meet many ppl in ur life and that things happen all the time
SM: im loyal... if i had stayed with him i would have been cheating on him... cos i was thinking about u
EP:for me i am sure of dumping someone for someone ekse, is the most stupid thing in the world
cuz real love isn't build on snap shots
SM:if u feel interested in other ppl that means that its not real love at least thats what i think
when im with a guy i cant b thinking of anybody else... if im interested in other ppl... .then definitely hes not my man, thats how i undesrtand love
EP: sometimes sexual calll is harder than true love, put this into ur consideration
SM:not for me. ure a guy, guys are different for that
EP:i was terribely physically attracted to you, i am still to tell you the truth. we can still revive anything, i believe so
SM:i cannot b physically attracted to someone it doesnt interest me, even the hottest guy.. if he's dumb i wouldnt even consider it. i was attracted to u cos of that, cos u were funny, energetic, wittty. thats why i liked u, the rest came later
EP:and now i am not ?
SM:i was curious and i wanted to know u a bit more, but u showed me who u are... and now im not curious anymore

End of the conversation.... interesting huh??

Sad Disbelief

2008-03-27T14:37:00.000+01:00

I still can't believe that he hasn't done anything about me being here. Is this really the man I loved?. Maybe I never knew him.
It makes me so anxious to know that he's so close physically that I feel the urge to call him again, to meet him again. I won't do that though. He's proving to be such a cold blooded bastard. I never thought he was a bad person. I always defended his good feelings in spite of his bad manners. But now, I have to admit that I was probably wrong. He knows P has died and I'm alone here. He must know how miserable I feel That would be more than enough to cut all the crap and vanish all the resentment, but he doesn't even send a simple sms to ask how I feel, or how I am. I refuse to believe it, but days go bye and I have no news from him. I was hoping that he'd say something today at the office, to ask about Easter weekend or something. But nothing of the kind. He's silent. He's not there anymore for me. He's gone. :-(

Christoph

2008-03-24T21:58:00.001+01:00

Thursday night. In a daze. Thinking about L all the time. With my two morons of colleagues. I don’t want to have a drink after dinner. I just want to go back to my hotel. To be left alone to cry at ease. Unfortunately, this crap city won’t allow me to come back alone, it’s too dangerous. So I need to stay for that drink with them. They promise just one. OK. So, we’re checking the chicks at the club, and colleagues, as usual, ask me if I like any of the guys there. And as usual I say no, they suck…..mmmm, wait a minute. Let me see… that one looks promising. I don’t like blonds though. He stands up. He must be like 2 meters tall. Strong and proportionate. Dressed in shirt and jeans. Absolutely my style. He turns around so I can see his face. He looks like a model. Wow…I tell the guys I like that one. And they say, well, yeah, c'mon, we like him as well. Do you really have such a high standard?. We laugh and we get our drinks. The guy is with some friends. Talking with two girls who look pretty vulgar and slutty. He looks at me. He’s so hot he’s almost breathtaking. I mean it. The guy goes to get a drink and his friend starts talking to me in spite of my colleagues who seem pretty pissed. Cool, this is amusing. His friend is nice, actually. We talk about working in South Africa, and when he asks me where I’m staying he tells me I should meet his friend because he stays in the same hotel as me. Interesting. So he introduces him to me. I like the way he shakes my hand. Beautiful hands, by the way ( you know I’ve got an issue with hands). He’s so tall that he needs to be totally lowered so he can talk to me. He starts speaking in Spanish. First surprise. Super cute. He only knows a few sentences. He asks me what I’m doing in South Africa and for which company I work. He tells me he’s seen me at the hotel these past days (he noticing me??, I can’t believe this). He asks my name again. I like that. His name is Christoph. I can see from the corner of my eyes that my colleagues are pissed. I try to introduce them to the guys but they don’t want. I can see that vulgar girls looking at us as well, so I guess it’s time to go. It was nice while it lasted. I say goodbye to him. Back in my room I keep thinking about L. I can’t sleep even though I’m really tired. Hours go by but I’m not able to sleep. So I get up to get some water and I see this envelope somebody passed under my door. I take it. Must he another hotel invitation for an event or something. The envelope is handwritten in Spanish, with my name. I’m puzzled. I open it and start reading. The handwriting is a bit difficult to understand. Says hola in Spanish. Nice meeting you. I was wondering if you’d feel like going out for a drink once I’m back. I forgot to ask you for your details so here is my local number. Enjoy your holidays. Christoph. I read it again and again. What’s is this??? A joke?. The fist thing I think is that the guys are teasing me. It must be them. Then I realize they don’t know his name. And the number. C’mon. That can’t be happening to me. I just can’t believe it. I stare at the note. Dumb. Finally I get my phone and I text that number. I can’t sleep. Sure, It’d be nice having a drink. This is my number here so let me know when you’re back. Enjoy your Easter holiday. I can’t sleep for the rest of the night. I wonder if he’d reply or just leave it till he’s back. He replies. I woke up with a headache but already feeling better after your message. I’m having breakfast now. His reply leaves me with a stupid smile on my face. I have to meet my colleagues at the lobby but I don’t want to meet him. I’m afraid he changes his mind when he sees me again. It’s too great to be true. I see him having breakfast from the lift and he sees me. He stands up. Damn. I can’t pretend not to see him. I go to his table and say hello. He’s gorgeous. Much more handsome in daylight. I feel dizzy and think that I must look like a zombie after my sleepless night. Somehow I manage to act pretty cool and natural. I sit down and finally order a capucino. We talk for a while though for me is difficult to stay focused. Beautiful blue eyes. Look at those arms. Look at those hands. He asks me if he woke me up with the note. No, I couldn’t sleep…. But I was so puzzled. How did you find out my room number?. Well, sorry about that. He smiles. I want to die that very moment. I hope you don’t care, but I’ve been in this hotel for a while so I know the people working here. I remembered your name, something that I’m really proud of, considering my state last night, and your company, so I told the guys and they managed to find your room. I still can’t believe what he’s telling me. My colleagues start calling me on the phone, and I have to go. I say goodbye to him and levitate back to the lift. This is too good to be true. I’m so excited that I can’t help smsing him from my Spanish number so he can have it as well. Yes, yes, I know it’s a mistake…. I’ll try to behave from now on. So he replies telling me that he’s looking forward to our dinner. Dinner???? Wasn’t it a drink?. Gosh. So this is it. I have a date in two weeks.

So I saw him

2008-03-24T18:42:00.000+01:00

At the end of my second week in the office at Johannesburg, after having called him to his desk like a maniac several times a day everyday. I didn’t see him or saw any trace of him and I was wondering if he was in the country at all. I didn’t intend to speak to him or anything. Just wanted to find out if he was in the office, but I made a unforgivable mistake. One of the times I forgot to hide my number, so when he came back from his trip he returned my call. I was so puzzled when he called me that I didn’t even recognize his voice at first. I tried to appear cool and said, well, yeah, I called you because I’m here an just wanted to let you know. We met for a coffee. I was literally trembling. Almost a year since the last time we met. He’s much thinner, much more good looking than ever. I was with a colleague at first, so the situation was pretty akward. I asked him politely about everything and everybody I could think of. I mentioned I’ve met his friend in the canteen at the beginning of the week and he told me the friend called to tell him. So he knew. He knew I was in South Africa but hadn’t done anything about it. Cool. Then he asked about P. That was really difficult. I just told him she died, and I don’t want to talk about it. I almost broke down. OK, he said. Not even I’m sorry. Not even a gesture of sympathy or something. Cool.
When my colleague left I asked him to stay with me for a little while. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting of him. But I somehow I wanted him to react when he saw me, specially after finding out about P. I wanted him to feel sorry for having let me down when I most needed him. For leaving me alone in the most terrible moment of my life. I din’t talk much either. I only told him that I was hesitating about calling him but that I thought it would be better to call him than just running into him in the canteen. We spent a while talking nonsense and finally he suggested we should go back to work. Damn. I was thinking the same. It should have been me the one to said that. To end the conversation. It was so weird. We didn’t say anything about meeting again. We just said goodbye, that’s all. While I was on the elevator I was already in tears. I spent the rest of the day on a daze. I didn’t expect him to cause me such an impression when meeting again. I should have been ready for that. But I wasn’t. I was expecting him to talk to me on the messenger or to say anything after that. But he didn’t. I was expecting him to ask if we could meet that very evening before the long weekend. But he didn’t. I somehow needed to talk to him, so I emailed him with the excuse of needing to rent a car and we changed a couple of emails. I apologized for being cold and snappy when I told him about P. I was somehow trying to find a way to meet him out of the office. But the bastard knows me too well, so he didn’t replied to the mails like I expected either. Cool . I spent Thursay evening totally devastated. Checking the phone every minute, because It seems I’m so naïf that I was still expecting him to sms me. Actually, I’ve been expecting that the whole freaking weekend. By now I should be totally persuaded that he’s not going to make any move, but don’t ask me why I still think that he will react to my presence here. I just can’t imagine him being so cool to my proximity after all we’ve been through. If he ever loved me like he said, this must affect him one way or the other. It really hurts to think about him being serious with somebody else but, of course, that’s a possibility I have to consider. Actually, I’m sure that it was somebody else who gave him the strength to break this insane dependency with me, but my sixth sense tells me that he’s not had anything important up to now.
Anyway, considering that R is coming over in four days, this is the best that could happen to me. The consequences of L finding out about R are really scary, so I guess right now, it’s better this way.
L comes back on Wednesday from his holiday, so I don’t know If he would tell me anything at the office. I keep waiting. The next two weeks I can’t do absolutely anything about this, since I’m taking leave to spend some time with R, so let’s wait and see.

Would you?

2008-02-12T17:27:00.000+01:00

It's so ironic how I'd have given anything a year ago to get this project in South Africa.
Ironic how we both would have been so excited to have this opportunity to be together. We found so many practical problems while we were dating. We fought so many difficulties to make this work. Long distance relationships are a pain, really.
Now it's all over. Now we don't speak anymore. Now it's broken..... and I'm going to spend 3 whole months down there.
I'm leaving in 4 weeks and I'm really stressed about it. Considering that he's the man that has unbalanced me the most in my whole life and that and I'm going through one of the mosts difficult phases ever .Would you call L?... Would you tell him about it?.
The most intelligent thing is not to do it for sure...but how will I react if I see him? . How will HE react when he sees me?. I'm confused and anxious. Would you call him? Would you?

Project in SA?

2008-02-09T15:36:00.000+01:00

I stopped speaking to L more than three months ago. After we broke up I had been trying to stop talking to him at all, but one way or the other I always ended up calling him. I called him when I was in Oman and all my problems had just started. I felt anxious and alone. I missed him and called him to confort me, and there he was.... colder though, but answering my calls and showing a polite interest. But I wanted more. I wanted him to be there for me as always. And he wasn't. I was so reproachful, and full of resentment. He didn't put up with my tantrums. Not anymore. I decided not to count on him from now one, but once more I lied to myself.
The first time I took PL to the hospital I called him crying late at night. Woke him up... he wasn't very receptive. I was so scared, with that horrible feeling of uneasiness, like I could predict all that was about to come. I cried and I cried. I told him how afraid I was. He knew what she meant to me. He told me not to be so pessimistic, told me to wait for the results of the tests and calm down. We chated almost everyday from the office. He called me when I asked him to. I explained to him that he made me feel safe. That I didn't feel like talking to anybody else but him. That I didn't want anybody else to see me cry. Told him I knew I have no right to call him out of the blue to cry over his shoulder and that I really appreciated his support. Told him I was afraid of being alone. Since I could feel he was distant I asked him If he resented me ( I did resent him, so I assumed he must resent me even more). He didn't. Or so he said. But I could feel him weird. He was not the same.
As days went by he started to be snappy, so busy with his own thing, so stupid to me, the last day he didn't even ask about PL. And I say the last day because that's the day I decided that it would be the last day. I was so worried, suffering so much with PL's illness .... why should I suffer for such a moron with all the pain I was putting up with?. If he wasn't going to help me and support me then I'd rather cut the crap and move on. I had enough problems. He only tried once to talk to me. The following day, on the net. He just said Hi. I didn't reply and he didn't insist. Up to now. Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't expect that. I didn't expect him to let me down in a situation like that. Besides, we hadn't have a fight or anything, so if according to him everything was cool and normal... then why did we stop talking like that? Why didn't he insist? For God's sake... PL was dying and he didn't even bother to ask how she was, or call again to find out how was everything. He knew she meant all to me. That's why I can't understand how could he behave like this, wich such coldness and cruelty. I will never forgive him. I can't. Ever.
I feel such resentment. I'm so mad at him because I found out that I didn't mean the same to him anymore, that he had suceeded in getting over me, which I haven't. I made a point of forgetting him at all. I removed him from my contacts and I didn't allow myself to think of him.I didn't even want to post about him. I was doing pretty well until she died. She was everything to me, and I upset her so much because of him. Yet I can't believe that L behaved like that. I'd like him to know she's dead. I'd like to make him feel guilty for letting me down in such a circumstance. I asked him not to leave me alone but he did!!. I wish I didn't feel such bitterness everytime I think of him.
The thing is I'm trying to go on with my life without PL until yesterday my manager calls me to inform me about a three months project in South Africa. I'm scared like hell. I love South Africa, but I'd meet L for sure at the office. I'm not ready for this. Not now. I'm week rigth now. And I don't know how will I react if I see him again. Let's wait and see if I'm assigned to this project.....

A bit of them in me

2008-01-31T17:36:00.000+01:00

Him:

No matter how hard I try, I'll never be half as much as he was. Such an exceptional man. So amazingly intelligent and so humble at the same time. One of his associates once said that such a genious brain must be kept frozen or something for future investigation, and I agree!!. He was so inspiring to me. He's always been my reference, my model.….
He was such a cultured man, even though engineers tend to be the contrary. He knew about music, phylosophy, art, history, he spoke 5 languages, he taught me to love nature and to enjoy the loneliness of the mountain. He was so complete, like a reanissance man…. A modern Leonardo da Vinci. I've been looking for someone like him all my life, but I've lost all hope. He was unique. You can call it Electra complex if you want. I don't really care ;-)
We enjoyed each other's company so much… but he had to leave me. I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. I almost went crazy…. But I survived and pulled myself together just because of her.

Her:

My relationship with her was a little bit more complicated. She's been trying to dominate me ever since I can remember. I loved her intently even though she was so over controlling. So uncontrollable herself, such a strong character . She was my other reference in her own way. Her sense of humour was amazing. She made me laugh in the most bizarre situations. She was so positive, so strong, so full of energy I still can't beleive she's left me as well.
No matter what I did, she was always there to help, even though she knew I wasn't behaving properly. She would tell me off, but still give me a hand, or even lie for me if it was necessary. I could always count on her. She was cool that times. Others, she was just unbearable.
It's funny how sometimes she draw me nuts and I could feel like killing her and others I was simply overwhelmed by the love I felt when I was watching her snoring in her sleep or just doing her own thing without noticing I was observing her. After he left us I pampered her as much as I could, tried to make her as happy as possible, tried to make her understand how much I needed her, though I don't know if I suceeded.
Now both of them are gone and I feel so helpless. I know I'm not alone but I feel lonely in my heart. I have my friends and family, but I've lost my references. I know I'm strong, but I wasn't ready for this yet………..

Gone

2008-01-21T12:41:00.000+01:00

I'm alone in the world now. Shit time.

The limbo of the ICU

2008-01-09T15:56:00.000+01:00

Days go by. One after another. She just lies there. She can't even breathe by herself. One hour is exactly the same as the following one or the previous one. No difference between day an night.
I want her out of ICU now. I hate that place. The smell. The drama. Every family has its own kind of drama.
Now she's opening her eyes and looking at me. I hold her hand all the time I'm with her. I'm scared like hell. I'm afraid she'll lose her mind, like the last time she was in the hospital, just a month ago.
This time looks like it's gonna be much worse… she's been under sedation for so long. She's been so close to death this time. And she's alone. I'm only allowed two hours a day with her. That's what worries me the most. I'd like to be there everytime she opens her eyes. I don't want her to feel alone. I don't want her to feel the same fear that I feel. I'm wondering what she's thinking now. I don't want her to think that her life is over and she's only a pain to me now. I do need her as much as she needs me. I'm exhausted by now. Let's hope.

2008 starts

2008-01-03T16:48:00.000+01:00

I don't like this kind of reviews, but I think in this case it's necessary because 2007 has been such an intense year.
Among many things, I've learnt that we never now what we're able to bear until we're forced to face a certain situation.
Through the last part of the year I've been putting up with tons of crap:
- Herpes (a really nasty one)
- Infidelity
- Pregnancy
- Abortion
- Break up
- Ilness
- Loneliness
I only want to turn the page over, and close the chapter of 2007.
I start 2008 with an optimistic view. If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger… and that's how I feel now. I am stronger, and I am more mature. I'm curious and expectant to see what 2008 brings...

Keep on fighting

2008-01-03T12:26:00.001+01:00

It rains. It's pouring. I hate the rain but right now it's just the weather that suits me better. My heart is crying too. She's alive… she's fighting and I'm so freaking worried. It's been 10 days now in ICU…. And I keep praying. I'm looking forward to the moment she opens her eyes and talks to me again.

Please stay with me

2007-12-26T10:24:00.001+01:00

Please stay with me. It's just you and me… You for me and me for you. Please, don't leave me alone.
I love you with all my heart, even if sometimes I got angry with you for your laziness or your lack of will. That's because I wanted you to fight. I wanted you to fight for yourself but that didn't mean that I wouldn't be there to help you. I'll always be there for you. I AM with you now, all the time. I'm your blood. I'm your flesh. And I'll tell you something: we're more alike than I'd like to admit.
Please, stay with me. I need you more than you can imagine. You've always been strong. You've always been my reference. Always telling me: "Todo pasa para mejor". Always explaining to me that even bad things had a purpose. I try to hold on to that even in moments like this. But I can't do it alone. I need you by my side. I need you to be my guide, as you always have been. Please fight, fight, figtht, you can't leave me now. I'm afraid …. I'm scared of imagining my life without you. Mum please, I need you badly… stay with me. I know you're sleeping and I'm not sure if you can hear me under sedation, but I tell you that I love you and I beg you not to leave me… I do hope you can hear me and fight. Please stay with me.

The law of Dharma

2007-08-08T16:50:00.000+02:00

According to the law of Dharma, there is something that you can do better than anyone else in the whole world. When you combine the ability to express your unique talent with service to humanity, then you make full use of the Law of Dharma.
I’ve been wondering for a couple of years now what is my purpose in life. I obviously wasn’t born to be an engineer, and technical stuff is more boring for me everyday. The problem is I don’t really know what I want to do with my life, and I’m sure I could do much better.
I don’t think I take the necessary time to think about it either. I’m too entangled with my own mess that I just go with the flow, I go on with the rush of my daily life without stopping to think where I want to go. I know I’ve been lost for some time now, and that makes me feel worse and anxious, and even if I try to hide it from my conscious mind during the day, it pops up in my dreams.
I have this uncomfortable feeling of constant longing… I’m sure I’m missing something out there but I don’t know what it is. Damn.

I’m outta here

2007-08-02T17:01:00.000+02:00

I’m changing Spain for Ireland for three months. I think I’ll do me good in a moment like this. I’ve never stayed on my own, and this sounds like the perfect time. I hope to learn a lot from this experience, apart from cooking and ironing, which is about time, don’t you think?.
I need time for reflection and meditation.
I need to be alone, so I’m able to find myself.
I need to be far from R so I can find out if we can really put up with being separated for such a long time, before I make up my mind about taking that job in Ivory Coast.
I need to sort out my dependence issues.
I need to get over my obsessions.

I’ll be gone in 10 days….

The Egyptian Prince tries to resurrect

2007-08-01T11:32:00.000+02:00

What's wrong with you?... Can't you see I won't answer your calls or your messages?.

He gave signals from time to time since we last spoke, but he's quite ruffled up lately, insisting more and more frequently than usual. I haven't answered any single time.

He keeps on insisting... it's unbeleivable.... Are you still mad at me? ... I miss you... He's pathetic.
It's funny to see how he tries different approaches though... Like how's life on your side?... Lol....
Life on my side is that you're dead for me jerk!!!

Stories from Cameroon, part III

2007-07-20T13:17:00.000+02:00

So, we’re back from the beach. It’s quite a long trip and I refuse to go in the same car with A. My colleagues are far safer... and we prefer to be all together squeezed in one car.
We go to the house and cook some sweets while A. Takes pics of me working. It’s getting kind of annoying this pics thing now. He helps in the kitchen... I can see he knows what he’s doing. I like guys who enjoy cooking btw. We have a tea, chat for a long while and then we decide to go somewhere to have a drink. He’s been all the time sitting by my side.
We go to this place and start playing pool in pairs. He wants to play with me though he knows I suck at pool. But the way he gives me advice is cute. I can feel he’s trying to get closer to me, the music there is cool also. He tells me so and I’m glad that he likes the same type of music I like. That gives me a sense of proximity. Gosh I like the him....that’s why I inmediately start talking with somebody else, deliberately turning my back on him even tough I feel he’s waiting for me to come back. I don’t. I can’t allow myself to get carried away.
We finish our drinks and we move. Some people want to go to bed and others want to go to another place but I prefer not to say anything. We finally head for the hotel. A. is going in another car but before he gets into it he pulls the back pocket of my pants and gives me a look that I prefer not to remember. All the way to the hotel the guys are craking jokes about A, betting that he will be waiting for me at the lobby. When we get to the hotel A. Is not there. I don’t say anything. We’re waiting for the lift when A. Shows up. He was hidden somewhere waiting for us. Trying to look nonchalant he offers me a coconut. LOL. I avoid the guys look. He starts asking cheerfully who wants to go to sleep but we all ignore him. I can feel I’m blushing.
Once I’m alone in my room I can’t sleep. I need to talk to him. I can’t leave it like this.... Guess what, I call him, and guess what, he’s not answering. I insist and insist but he’s not answering. I’m really pissed by now. Damn it. What does he think I’m going to do to him? Rape him????.
I barely sleep and next morning at breakfast I tell him that I need to talk before he leaves for the office. He goes to the pool bar and waits for me there. I don’t know how to start... I was calling you last night. Really I didn’t hear anything, I disconnected the phone. Cut the crap pls.... I don’t know why you’re behaving like that. I want to be honest with you. I like you but I have a boyfriend. We’re not in the best of our times but even if we’re about to break up this is not right, and I don’t want you to think I’m messing around with you or something, because I really like you, but this is just not rigth. He starts stuttering... well, nothing has happened because I didn’t want anything to happen (Excuse me?????). What would be the point? In two days you’d be gone. You were all the time with your colleagues, was difficult to talk to you at ease. I have a great respect for you but I don’t trust myself.... It’s better this way. Whatever. You are very special in your own sort of way, I’ve never met a girl like you who enjoyed traveling around Africa as much as me. And I’m impressed of how you’ve been mature enough to talk to me openly about it. Well, it was eating me inside, that’s why I was calling you last nigth... I needed to tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was fooling around with you. I’m not that type of girl. He’s still stuttering. Well I’m not like you. I can’t talk about my feelings like that. Not even with my close friends, not that I have many. Besides, I don’t understand what can you like about me (oh... come on, now you want me to tell you how charming you are?). I just don’t know. Only know that I liked you from the first time I saw you on the lift, when I didn’t even know I was going to work with you, but I’m with somebody else and this just cannot be. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he remembers the first time we met on the lift also. He insist. I don’t know what can you like about me. Well A., I think we should move now or you’ll be late to work. He’s still dumbstruck. OK, but please I don’t want you to think that I was playing with you because it’s not the case. It’s cool A., don’t worry, let’s go now....
He seems so dejected the rest of the day. I’m cool though... I feel much better after having dumped everything inside me. We have lunch as a farewell together with all the team but I don’t seat by him. He’s looking at me all the time so intently that I’m about to tease him but I guess it wouldn’t be nice to do that in front of everybody. I avoid his eyes. At the end of the meal he throws the chocolate he got with his coffee to my head, from the other side of the table. I’m puzzled. He looks so shy but he’s not embarrassed of doing idiotic things with all the people there. I thank him avoiding his eyes. I rush because we need to do some shopping before packing and he says he’ll wait for us at the hotel. We meet later... I pack while the guys are having a beer with A. by the pool. When I finish and join them he sits by me, asking me what do I want to drink. He’s more nervous than ever... moving all the time, getting up...coming back.. dropping his cigarrettes. Staring at me. One of the times I hold his gaze. My stomach falls to the floor. We can’t take the eyes off each other. The guys want to go early to the airport so they get up and go for the luggage. Are you going also? A. Asks me. I can stay five minutes more....but as soon as we’re alone I decide to pay and leave since I’m nervous also. He wants to help me with the bags. The guys will help me, dont worry. I don’t want to be alone with him in my room. No way. He seems disappointed. I’ll wait for you at the lobby then.
When I go down everybody is waiting for me there. All my colleagues say goodbye to A. In Spain we usually give two kisses to friends, and A. knows that. He saw me kissing everybody else goodbye. So when I turn to him he want to shake hands with me. He’s offering me his hand with a fake serious face. Come off it !!, I say, and he insists. Then he bursts out laughing and he opens his arms wide. Without knowing what I’m doing I jump into his open arms and he hugs me, holding me tight. I can feel I’m blushing and at the same time my eyes are filling with tears. Damn it... I just can’t start crying now. Not now!!!. I finally manage to control it and I head for the car without turning back hoping my colleagues cannot see my face. I’m silent all the way back to the airport...
So... anybody can shed some light on this?. I guess after the last couple of jerks in my life I’m more used to the alpha male type, and A’s behaviour is totally disconcerting to me. Any clues? Any help out there?

Is this the end?

2007-07-18T15:08:00.000+02:00

Me: I just can’t stand this. You’re killing me but without you I die
L: Silence
Me: My feelings haven’t changed, I’m still in love with you and for me what we have now it’s not enough
L: Silence
Me: Say something please
L: I don’t know what to say
Me: I think of you every waking hour. And I dream about you all the time. My first thought in the morning is for you, and my last thought before I go to sleep is for you. You are still my priority. Nothing has changed for me.
L: Why weren’t you like this when we were together?. You never showed me that you felt that way. You’ve always made me feel that I was the last thing for you.
Me: I’ve always been like this. It’s just that you’ve been blind all the time
L: I thought we were OK talking like this
Me: Are you happy with our situation now?, How are you managing?
L: Yeah, I’m OK
Me: Well, I’m not. I don’t want to be a pain also. I know myself and If we go on like this from time to time I’ll start to complain about you and I won’t stop. I’ll harass you.
L(affectionate tone): You’re going to have one of your tantrums from time to time and throw your toys out of the cot?
Me (crying): I’m serious, I can’t go on like this. I’ve been thinking that it’s better if we stop talking.
L: Silence
Me: What do you think?
L: It’s up to you
Me: I’m feeling miserable and making the people who love me miserable also.... I’m really sorry but I can’t go on like this.
L: Silence
Me: OK, I have to go now... bye.

Stories from Cameroon: freaker that I thougth. Part II

2007-07-12T16:45:00.000+02:00

Since I travel a lot because of my job I’ve always thought it’s weird to ”live together” with people you barely know. Specially in certain dangerous countries where you can’t go out alone, your colleagues are your only friends and family at that time. Strong and at the same time strange links are created... a forced intimacy is created that in some cases later leads to true attachment and frienship. Even if you spend only a week together, it feels like you know that people for years. In most cases you’ve gone through certain situations that in normal circumstances you’d only share with your family or very close friends. It’s an interesting phenomenon.

A’s attitude was more and more disconcerting every day. He seemed in a daze. Was staring at me all the time to the extent that was making me uncomfortable. I couldn’t talk to him normally either, felt so weird...but at the same time I was conscious that I was also sending him signals. It was unintentionally I guess... but I loved the way he called my name, and the way he said bastard, lol, and his accent. He started to take pics of me with his camera, which is one of the most embarrassing things that someone you’re interested in can do to you, specially if all your colleagues are looking at it with amusement.

One of the nights he didn’t go out for dinner... he was sick, or so he said, but he only told my colleagues not me. I wanted to talk to him, sms him or something but I didn’t have his number... so when we were back at hotel I called him to his room. OK, OK, I know that it’s too daring, I know... but I just wanted to talk to him. He was surprised... but he sounded happy to hear me. Thanked me for the call, and that was all. Next day when we met at the lift in the morning I was a bit embarrased though... I mean, I wasn’t supposed to know his room number.

We went out for dinner to this cool place and I did some stupid things like recording my number on his phone... gosh... can you beleive that?. He was very receptive, actually he literally pushed away one of the guys to seat by me on the car. We were so close, talking crap and pretend to follow a conversation but I could tell he was feeling just like me.
But that’s not the worst... when we came back to the hotel both of us were trying to prolong conversation as much as possible but the guys wanted to go to sleep and so we did. Once in my room I couldn’t resist calling him again. He was amused when he heard me asking .. what u doing???. He told me go to sleep like if I was a little girl and we hung up. But I called again... gosh.. and guess what.... he didn’t anwer the phone... can you beleive this?... I insisted... I’m not the type that just lets it go... lol.. and he didn’t answer at all. I was so pissed and lost... I mean.. if he liked me, why didn’t he want to talk to me?. Do you have any clue?.

He saved the best for the last day. We all went to the beach. Have you ever been in a situation like this? When you want to be with one person but you just can’t because you’re surrounded by people?. I’m sure he was feeling the same. He was seeking me all the time and I was determined to ignore him. But he came to me. We were talking about us. More personal than ever. In the meantime he was making a fool of himself, literally running after me, taking pics, rubbing his head against my arm, holding me by the ankle when I wanted to swimm or making gymn exercises by the pool while the guys were laughing their heads off. They were making jokes in Spanish and I’m not that sure A. Didn’t understand. I was even laughing myself... so I went to lay on the beach and he wasn’t embarrased at all to come by my side in spite of the jokes. The whole day went on like that. I even caught him staring at my bum and he bursted out laughing when he noticed. It was getting dark, so we planned to go back to town to take a drink. It was the last night... so I have to admit that I was kind of curious about what he was planning to do. Would he say something to me?
Do you want to know how the story ends? Do you want to find out how I made an absolute fool of myself?... then don’t miss the next post. To be continued....

Stories from Cameroon or the mysterious freak: Part I

2007-07-06T12:48:00.000+02:00

Met him the first day there, at the hotel lift. I didn’t even know we were going to work together. You know how these lift rides are, kind of embarrassing. Two unknown people so close in such a tiny box. We said hi, and I wondered where was he from, because he didn’t sound French...I thought he was cute, good looking … there was definitely something about him.
At lunch time he happened to be inside our car with my colleagues…. Just as easy. We were all working for the same company there, so from then on, he joined us for everything, and we spend together all our time in Douala.
Thin, nervous… couldn’t stand still, beautiful sensitive hands, not very talkative although maybe compared to us, Spaniards nobody talks much…. And it’s also true that the guys, rude as usual, tended to speak in Spanish, so even if I tried to translate for him it was pretty difficult. I liked his accent though, very British.
When he mentioned that it was full moon I felt a kind of connection with him. I’ve always been touched by the beauty of the moon, or a sunset, or a view from a mountain top. I used to tell L. about it but he never understood me. He used to say, yeah… moon is huge tonight, so what??? . It’s nice to find people who share that feeling, who can vibrate with the same emotions … makes you feel much closer to them.
The first days A. was a bit disconcerting to me. I wasn’t particularly interested on him, but I caught him staring at me many times. Apparently I wasn’t the only one to notice that, since my colleagues started to tease me about him.… He took me by the hand to dance, pulling my arm and insisting when I said no, making me feel really embarrassed of being so close to him while everybody else was looking at us. I politely got rid of him as soon as I could. The thing is he wasn’t acting like a shy guy at all, until we he happened to be alone for the first time. I was having a drink with one of the guys and A. joined us. My colleague had to go unexpectedly and A. must have noticed the look I gave him begging him not to leave me alone. Not even 5 minutes after that, and even when we had barely sipped our drinks, he said… ok, lets go… I need to swim (btw it must have been like 1a.m.). Gosh… I was thinking… this guy’s a freak.
The first weeks we were really busy at work, so there wasn’t much time for fun and in the mean time L. was giving me such a crap time. By the time we finally finish job and started to chill out I was feeling so blue that I didn’t even feel like going out. While we were in that place with half-naked chicks (that’s what you get if you go out with 9 guys) I called L. telling him how sad I was and how much I was missing him, and all he told me was “Hakuna Matata”, don’t be sad and enjoy. When I came back I was on the verge of tears. A. was sitting opposite me… and he got up and came by my side, just to ask me if everything was OK. I was puzzled… were you calling home? He asked. Well, not really… but do you have any problem?... mmm…sort of. Don’t worry, you’ll be OK. I was so sincerely touched by his gesture that I had to go to the toilet to cry at ease. That was an inflection point. He won me that night. We were exchanging glances the whole night…I could see that he wanted to talk to me but I didn’t want to show any interest in front of my colleagues. I was avoiding him all the time… but when he said he wanted to go to bed I begged him to stay. And he did. We went to that dance club and he took me by the hand and moved away from my colleagues. Like 30 secs. after that he said let’s go back with them, and right after that he went to sleep. I didn’t dare to insist again and by then I was thinking he was a psycho.

Next day the guys told me that A. had been asking them separately if I was married and if I had a boyfriend. I was pissed. I mean, I asked him openly if he was married. Why that crap then, couldn’t he just ask me directly?. I was so puzzled. I was starting to have feelings for A. but I was totally confused.
Since we had finished the main part of the job the remaining days there were going to be relaxed… braais by the pool, trips to the beach…and I could feel that I was starting to loose control of the situation. To be continued…

Waste of time

2007-05-14T17:18:00.000+02:00

I've been having this feeling for a long time now. The older I get the less I feel like spending my time with worthless people. I'm too busy to waste my time or my sleep talking nonsense with a group of morons.
There are some people that add something to you, some people that are just indifferent or inoffensive and some others that substract you… well, unfortunately I've spent my whole weekend with people of the last kind.
I've been telling R. that I don't want to go out with them. I don't want him to stop meeting them if he wants, but I'm just fed up…. But he forces me all the time. Makes plans in a way that it's impossible for me to avoid unless being unacceptably rude and I'm way too sick after this weekend.
I feel the deepest contempt for people who think they're stylish and cool and are actually a bunch of crap. I feel embarrased only for the fact of being with them, while I beleive that I dignify them just with my company.
Please, dont get me wrong, I honestly don't beleive I'm a snob. I have friends of all social layers and I admire and respect all of them for what they are. I like people who are authentic, unique, who are what they are and don't pretend to be anything but that. But I despise vulgarity, I despise people who are ugly inside, who are empty or shallow, and who are so ignorant as to think that having certain political ideas will make them more glamorous or closer to the type of people they'd like to be. It sucks.
The've make me sick talking about politics all the time. I don't like discussing politics with strangers (for me that jerks are strangers) but my political ideas are completely opposite to theirs and I've had to put ut with tons of crap all the freaking weekend. I've had to restrain my desire for speaking out loud… I've only done it for R anyway, but I've decided I won't do it again. Maybe I'm being a bit grumpy now… but I needed to dump all this after the hard weekend I've had….
I'm not ready to waste any more time with people that don't interest me. We should all do that. Life is too precious to waste it without learning and enjoying every minute in the company of our loved ones.

From Harare with love

2007-04-12T11:22:00.000+02:00

Zimbabwe is such a beautiful country, It's unbeleivable how this crazy guy has managed to ruin it completely. People are totally fed up with Mugabe and the whole situation, and it's not going to be long before it explodes.
I think it's one of the most beautiful countries I've visited in Africa. Harare must have been such a nice place to live 30 years ago. I loved the city, the big avenues in downtown and the beautiful houses all over. But life is difficult there, inflation is crazy and we had to get local money in the black market which was also a mess.
I met this guy, who reminded me so dangerously of the Egyptian Prince. The guy was really good looking, an ebony warrior, proudly african… with a witty conversation and a bit too much self assured. I don't know why I feel atracted to people so self assured. I suppose that calls my attention because my self-steem is so low that i wonder how this people manage to feel so cool in their own skin.
He was curious about Spain, and kept asking me all kind of things, about bullfighting, weather… he had been reading about Spain and wanted to know more details. I like people interested in everything, and I definitely love people who read a lot. It happens that the guy was married, and talking all the time about his wife, although dropping that he used to be afraid of commitment, and lived a wild life. I was surprised when he told me that africans can have more than one wife, Did you know that???.
He had an absolutely overwhelming personality, just like my dear Egyptian…I had a feeling of dejá vu… when he started asking me when was I coming back to Harare, and looking at me that way.
He was giving me that look…and I was returning him the same look… what did you want me to do? The guy was really hot…but I never thought of it seriously for a second , I mean, I think I've had enough of international playboys by now.
He was so hypocritical but. When we were surrounded by people he kept talking about his wife, but whenever we were alone he started with his looks again. That's disgusting. Eventually I asked him to stop looking at me that way. I told him that he was making me really uncomfortable, but even so the guy asked for my room number the last day…. Unbeleivable. I don't understand why people get married to go on behaving like real jerks.
Don't you think it's funny how certain human types are the same?. No matter where they are from, no matter the culture, religion or even time in history, certain stereotypes are repeated always all over the world.
Anyway, Africa is cool. People have a unique happiness and sense of humour, even when their situation is crap. I love the way they sing and dance all the time, I love the red land, I love the smell, I love the wild life, and I love the feeling of being in Africa. I can't wait to come back.

Quote

2007-04-02T17:05:00.000+02:00

"Life has a tremendous power, and it wants to expand. It wants to live as intensely and totally as possible. And this is not going to happen some other day. If it is going to happen it can happen only now: Now or never."

Osho, excerpted from From Darkness to Light, chapter 16

Drowned in Curry

2007-03-30T12:42:00.000+02:00

Back to you. Back in your arms. Back in your life, and risking my life with it.
You are different though. I'm not sure of what it is… but I can feel something. You're more irritable than ever and I suppose your friend's death is not helping either. You are more controlling, more demanding, wanting me to follow your stupid rules.
Even so, we're back together. Killing each other at times and touching heaven at others. Here we go.
I'm also different, I'm feeling a remorse that's eating me inside. I'm pushing it too far now. After all these months it's getting difficult to hide and people have started talking, including my managers, and that it's getting me worried.
You are like a drug to me. You're no good, but I need you. It's always the same. When I'm about to meet you I don't feel sure, and I'm determined to break up as soon as I'm back home. However, as our days together go by I start feeling closer to you and further from R… and thats' how it starts again.
But you see, even now… even when I'm starting to think that I might be truly in love with you, I know that this is simply not possible. I can't just turn into and sweet indian girl baby, I am what I am and this is not going to work.

My fairy godmother

2007-02-15T17:18:00.000+01:00

After almost three weeks I broke down and I called you. Just wanted to know if you were still there…. If you'd respond to me if I needed you. You did. I'm grateful… I know I did wrong… I knew before I called you that we had faced a dead end a couple of months ago. But even so I still refused to get used to the idea that this was it. We shared our moment in time… a beautiful, unforgetable moment. I played my role…I lived a life that wasn't mine, pretending that I was someone else, but I couldn't go on with the lie much longer. We are not meant to be. This is simply impossible. It's romantic, strong, absurd, wild, crazy, passionate, dangerous, sweet, but unfortunately it's not possible. Love is not enough… there are practical considerations that need to be taken into account. Damn… why do I miss you so much?
Yet I didn't want to waste the opportunity of meeting you again… if only for a coffee. I needed you to know that I was coming next week. I needed you to think about it. I needed you to need to see me also. Apparently it worked. When you phoned me drunk and called me love again you made me beleive that it had been just that easy. But it wasn't. Only took two days before we started fighting again. I cannot blame you. You're right in certain way, that is, I cannot disappear for three weeks, refusing to answer the phone if you call me and then come back to your life pretending nothing has changed. But my reasons were strong. You were killing me. You kill me but without you I feel like dying. Difficult choice, huh?
I've always been a person sensitive to intuition and "signals". Right now I have this scary theory which I cannot get rid of. All this time it's been like if I've had a fairy godmother protecting me. I've been about to get caught many times, about to loose the person I love the most. I've been going through the most surreal situation, like in an Almodovar film. Most of the anecdotes are really funny (for a film, I mean, not for your own life), but I don't dare to tell too much about it. I don't know if someone I know might come across my blog and identify me.
Coming back to my theory, the thing is that all this time I felt a kind of protection, it was like if someone didn't want me to fuck up my life, and gave me another chance day by day. Beleive me, I've been lucky all this time not to get caught. But now I have the feeling that this protection is gone. Well, not the protection but I have the feeling that this someone who was protecting me before doesn't want me to go on with this and it's sending me signals all the time. Bad things have happened. Things to prevent us from meeting again. The last thing has been terrible. One of your best friends has died. I was so dumbstruck when you told me. Yet we were fighting and I didn't know how to behave.
I feel terribly sorry for you. I know what you must been going through right now… You were answering me badly because everybody was calling you. I didn't want to bother you… but yet it hurts me that you don't need me in a moment like this. And it makes me wonder what is going to happen. Today is the funeral and we were supposed to meet in a week, so what are we going to do now? I don't know how is this going to affect you, but it's pretty obvious that you don't want me by your side right now. I can understand it, for sure, but it makes me anxious about us. I don't know what you expect from me. I'd like to meet you, to hug you and to comfort you from your loss. I'm telling you all the time that you've got me here if you need me but I'm not sure if that's enough for you.
I don't want to force things. If this is the end, it will only be a matter of time for me to assimilate it.
Anyway, I don't want to take advantage of my fairy godmother… I've had such a happy time with you, and I can hold on to that, knowing that I once was your highest priority. Besides, I'm coming back to deep Africa shortly and this is always thrilling either with or without you. I can't but wait and see what the future brings...

Intelligence is a turn on

2007-01-31T15:00:00.000+01:00

Last night I dreamt about F. My first long term relationship, my first steady boyfriend. The dream was not doubt related to my visit to the dentist, since it was me who took him to this dentist and apparently he still goes to her clinic from time to time.
Dentist couldn't help but talking about F. … how she and all her daughters adore him. How astonishingly good looking and nice the guy is.
I've forgotten how tired I got of hearing this. Always the same story.
When we broke up everybody kept asking me why the hell did I dump him. Well, here's the scoop. I'm going to tell you now why the hell I dumped him. I've never told anybody before… that's too nasty to admit in public… too mean to admit even to myself… but It's the plain truth: I was smarter than him by far. I couldn't live with that feeling anymore. I couldn't respect the guy as he deserved…I loved him deeply, but I didn't feel admiration…For me is key to admire my partner, I can't possibly think of sharing my life with a guy that I feel is dumber than me, no way. With an intelligent guy I can never be bored. An intelligent partner makes you learn everyday, makes you want to improve, awakens your curiosity on everything. An intelligent partner adds while a dumb parter substracts. This is how it works for me. I need to look up to my partner or it will never work. It's intelligence that turns me on...

Moving on

2007-01-23T15:52:00.000+01:00

To MX: I don't know how I'd manage without you. You've been supporting me in a way nobody could. Sharing my secret… sharing my burden…Crying with me and making me laugh at the same time…I know that you're the only one that is able to fully understand me. Remember: Lo mejor es el ocultismo… ;-))

To PL: You still surprise me. Your strength is unbeleivable. I'm sorry to have disappointed you so much lately, while you've only proven that I can count on you no matter what I do. Admitting that I feel like killing you from time to time, your unconditional love has touched me so much that I can't help but admire you for being like you are.

To all my acquaintances, the people who don't really know me but have noticed I wasn't right and have shown their concern: Thank you guys for your interest… I wish I could tell you what's going on, but I just can't...

Quien resiste vence

2007-01-08T12:05:00.000+01:00

Damn. I'm so nervous, so anxious…. Yet holding on… but I'm having such a hard time… damn.
Why are you so stubborn?. I wish I didn't give a shit about you. I promise I'd give anything to get rid of you. Damn. I'd give my right hand to know what you're thinking. Are you determined not to give up also? So it seems….God, ech day is worse than the previous one… I don't know what to do… I don't want to give up but sometimes I just want to call you and shout at you also… ask you why are you so stupid….I thought you loved me more… but just look at you… you think you're cool huh???
I know this is the best for me… but then… why do I feel so bad?
I was even eager to come to the office today. It's always been easier for us to talk in the office…but now I think it's even worse to know you're there…. So close and yet so far.
I believe I can put up with part of your crap. I'm ready to be a submissive girl out of my love for you… I'm ready to be home early and not to go out so much, I'm ready to let my black hair grow… I'm ready to stop going out with my male friends… but I'm not ready to be insulted or disrespected, and I never will. I don't want to be shouted at… I just can't bear it.
Please say something, do something … I don't know if I'll be able to go on like this for many more days. I can't sleep… and when I don't sleep enough I cannot think clearly…. And If I'm not able to think I can do any idiotic thing like calling you or start speaking to you again…..grrrrr

Waiting

2007-01-05T12:18:00.000+01:00

I can see you're there. I'm as obssesive as you. I can feel you're feeling the same way I do. I'm almost sure you're constantly checking if I'm connected the same way I'm checking you… But this time I won't give up. I just can't give up. I've been given up too much lately for the sake of my own peace of mind… but I have to put and end to your attitude. It's not about being stubborn this time, believe me, it has nothing to do with that. It's about respecting myself, sticking to my principles. This is not just one of my tantrums. If you don't respond this time this will be the end of you and me. I know our last fights you've been holding on for days… so I don't know for how long I'll have to wait to find out if you love me and if you're ready to put your pride aside for me once more.
You know I'm going to the doc today, since we've been fighting about this also, as you wanted me to find a female doctor… because you don't want any guy to touch or see your woman….(no comments). The thing is I expect you to ask… to show concern if you really care about me.
If you really love me, please let me know… but if you don't, just please let me go… set me free

Demanding, Controlling and Possesive

2007-01-03T16:51:00.000+01:00

I'm prepared to be demanded, controlled and possesed, since I'm also demanding and possesive, but I won't put up with being insulted or shouted at. You disrespect me and I won't allow it. I guess that's the way that fuckers that beat up women start... don't you think so?. I honestly don't want to find out if you'd be able to do that. You scared me at the beginning... then you made me change my mind with your sweet ways. Only a good man with lousy temper I thought...but you're proving me wrong day by day. Did you really need to start the new year fighting?.
You're killing me my love... I can't put up with this... if I let you go on... how would we end up?. I'm afraid I've let you gone too far by now. I don't want to break up like this though... so you decide....

The death of the Egyptian Prince

2006-12-05T16:02:00.000+01:00

Hectic month... hectic life...not even feel like posting... I just want to write about this crap story of the Egyptian Prince... once and for all.. and get rid of his ghost for ever. I'll only write down what happened, and I know I'll make me feel like shit again... but I need to take it all out...and close that door...

Cairo... I missed it so much... the noise ... the people... my office there... mango juice... I love that city... I love the people...Here we go... He calls me... sms me... tells me that he's missed me so much... needs to see me... so busy at work... but we'll find a way. Ok... we did find a way... He picks me up after work... I get rid of my colleagues... I wanted to be alone with him. We needed to talk.... He looks great... damn... this is not a good start... tells me he loves my hair... and my eyes.... do you mind stopping it, please?. We talk about work... he hates his manager, he's jealous of him he says... I should be doing something different... he encourages me... you should work as a consultant in Egypt of course... I know a friend who can find you a job here...We go to this place and he asks if he can sit close to me... what's wrong with him? Is it not normal for egyptian girls to sit by a guy? I don't know and I don't care anymore... He has to go to Sharm for a company meeting this weekend... please come with me, we will have a great time... are you out of your mind? no way!!, I wont go... Please change the flight... come with me... I want to show you Sharm... I said no way...L calls me ... can you beleive it?... I have to speak in English.. he's listening to our conversation...and when I hang up he asks who was it. I tell him. I've already told him about L, actually, though he didn't believe the story. Now he wants details.. where is he from? Ohhh South Africa... Next question: is he like us??? wtf?? what do you mean like us? Stupid racist....I should have told him he's a nigger... but i tell him the truth.. he's indian...L starts smsing me compulsively... I have to reply all the time, I don't want him to be upset... Prince doesn't seem to care...cool...He starts talking about religion, he's always tried to convert me to Islam... I love listening to him...that's how I fell in love with him...we talk and talk and talk... It's getting late...he drops me in hotel...and stops the engine of the car....looking at me that way... I want to kiss you... fine...look... I'm thinking of another guy... you know that...yeah.. but you like me, right?... yes I do...so what?... don't you want me to hug you?... please let's go up to your room....I said no.... c'mon.. what's wrong with you?... You know I want you... and when I've seen you tonight you have erased the whole last year... I've missed you so much...and I'm so horny... so... I decide to challenge him.... I'll be thinking of another guy all the time ... don't you have a problem with that?... He seems puzzled... I've never tried that before.... he insists.... I don't want to.... but I don't want him to leave either... He tells me if I go to Sharm we won't spend time together... I'll try not to go...I'll call you tomorrow and we'll meet again after work...and I'll try not to go to Sharm so we can spend Friday together, ok???. Cool... I leave the car and he calls my name... I come back... I like you so so much!!!, I slam the door and leave him. I'm floating in my hotel room...damn... I thought I've got over him. sms in the middle of the night... I like you so much... see you tomorrow..... and... guess what??? tomorrow he's gone!!. I should have known... how could I've been so stupid?. No reply to my sms... I don't even know if he's finally going to Sharm or not... call him at night... he's still in the office... cool... I go to Alex the following day... I don't want to stay in Cairo waiting for his call.....but in the afternoon I'm so annoyed that I start calling him... no reply... I sms him... what's wrong with you? I want it straight, ok?... He calls me after... apologizing.. He's in Sharm... so busy... I hang up the phone... I'm fed up with this.... just want to come back home... Call him following day many times to say goodbye... I don't feel good for having been so harsh ... he doesn't answer.... I sms him... just wanted to say goodbye... enjoy your weekend in Sharm... he replies a day after when I'm in Madrid...just one word... goodbye
Back to the office.... I can see he's connected to skype and I cannot resist... Here is our last conversation...

Spanish Moza: hey :)
Egyptian Prince: hi
Spanish Moza: hows it?
Egyptian Prince: fine
Egyptian Prince: how u
Spanish Moza: fine also....
Egyptian Prince: hope u got a good trip
Egyptian Prince: u r home now right?
Spanish Moza: no im in the office
i tried calling you like 1000 times before leaving but you didnt answer :(
did you enjoy your weekend in sharm?
Egyptian Prince: very much
Spanish Moza: cool
Egyptian Prince: but i didn't enjoy the sea a lot
Spanish Moza: why?
Egyptian Prince: cuz the morning was for meeting
Spanish Moza: aha
Egyptian Prince: i have ran for 30 minutes break only on saturday
Spanish Moza: i see
Egyptian Prince: sea was magnificant
Egyptian Prince: i wish to go back but in a hiliday
Spanish Moza: well you can go any weekend i suppose
Egyptian Prince: no not really
Spanish Moza: cmon
you still have an hectic week?
Egyptian Prince: 9 pm minimum :(
Spanish Moza: why didnt you tell me you were leaving?
you really made me feel bad, you know
Egyptian Prince: cuz i didn't have time
Spanish Moza: cmon... you could have smsed me or sthing
Egyptian Prince: i came back home @ 12:00 midnight from work on wednesday
Spanish Moza: im ok if we cannot meet but i least i expect you to say sthing, you know...
Egyptian Prince: packed and slept 2 hours
Egyptian Prince: airplan was on 5AM
Spanish Moza: yeah but you know what i mean....
Egyptian Prince: i didn't even sleep
Spanish Moza: yeah
Egyptian Prince: no i don't:
Spanish Moza: cmon
Egyptian Prince: :^)
Spanish Moza: well i honestly find that really rude....
after the shit we were talking the day before specially
Egyptian Prince: whatever(n)
Spanish Moza: huh????
what do you mean whatever, come off it
Egyptian Prince: no
Spanish Moza: no what?
Egyptian Prince: i don't really care
Spanish Moza: then its fine... but why do you have to talk shit then?
Egyptian Prince: u r caring about ur indian bf
Spanish Moza: yeah i am, he loves me
Egyptian Prince: why should i care
Spanish Moza: well... im not asking you to care.... im just expecting a minimum of politeness on your side, you know, this is not the jungle
Egyptian Prince: he loves you + i don't = go to him
Spanish Moza: thats what im doing
Egyptian Prince: it 's the jungle and i am the lion
Spanish Moza: its not, comon
Egyptian Prince: i do whatever i want with anyone
Spanish Moza: i could have just left without saying goodbye but i just didnt want to cos i find that also very rude, its all about that for me
Spanish Moza: you talk shit... tell me your my friend...
Egyptian Prince: thanks, i am not
Spanish Moza: my friend? i can see that…then?...
you see... you're like dr. Jeckyll & mr. Hyde
Egyptian Prince: i am both
Spanish Moza: i dont even know why should i bother
Egyptian Prince: u shouldn't… go to ur bf he won't bother,
he loves u, and i don't
i do love a girl and i can not cheat on her
Spanish Moza:i never said i loved him
Egyptian Prince: i told her about what happened,she got irritated,
so i stopped it. too simply
Spanish Moza: then i find that perfectly normal...
as its normal that you tell me
Egyptian Prince: u shouldn't have all this time to realize
Spanish Moza: i was only asking you to b straight
Egyptian Prince: why should i tell u, i am not a gay
Spanish Moza: if you really love her i cant understand how you can do things like that...
thats really nasty
Egyptian Prince: cuz i am human, and humans get horny
don't u know that !!. i am really in need for sex and she's virgin and don't do it and not ready to do it before marriage, so what shall i do, u tell me
Spanish Moza: would you like her to do the same if you didn’t want to have sex?
Egyptian Prince: she won't , and i never won't want to do it, she's religeous
Spanish Moza: yeah... like you, right?
Egyptian Prince: twice of me, i could have sex if i am out of patience but she 's the type who never do it b4 marriage
Spanish Moza: i honestly didn’t think you were that simple
Egyptian Prince: i am not a complicated person for sure
Spanish Moza: and i don’t understand why you talk about religion all the time and have that type of moral..you know...
Egyptian Prince: no i don't ? what do u mean ? being horny
Spanish Moza: i try to b open minded and think we belong to different cultures and all that ...
Egyptian Prince: ?
Spanish Moza: but... i dont know ...i feel very close to D (another colleague or common friend)... and we talk and that and whenever he's here i try to meet him...cos i really appreciate him, and for me it was the same with you, independently of me liking you or you liking me and all of the kind
Egyptian Prince: i am thinking about sex all the time and i have to have it soon else i am going to explode
Spanish Moza: ok... good luck then
Egyptian Prince: thanks, bye

So this is it.... after this charming conversation I have erased his number from my phone and i have removed him from messenger and skype... I've never found a guy who made me feel so humilliated in my whole life... I've had enough of this... I shouldn't be surprised either... something like that was very likely to happen and we all knew that, huh???....but now I'm done with this... He's death for me.

More dramatic posts about L are to come soon....but I just don't have the energy now... I'll come back soon....

From South Africa to Egypt

2006-11-16T14:53:00.000+01:00

About L:
After my southafrican honeymoon I'm back to reality. Safari under the pouring rain while he holds me and tries to protect me from the rain with his body, BBQ under the full moon… or jumping in the huge waves on the South Coast beaches…my days with L. have been one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I love Africa… it smells and tastes different.
I'm discovering L more and more. Getting used to each other is sweet and bitter at the same time. L is a good person. He's got a huge heart, only comparable to his immensurable jealousy and moodiness, which he can't control, by the way. But he's loving and caring… The way such a tough guy as him cooks for me or kisses me all the time is so touching…. And he makes me feel so safe. Never felt safer with any other guy… When he holds me tight i feel at home… difficult to explain. And I'm still hiding the truth… He's back to Madrid in two weeks again and my problem now is worse than ever.

About R:
R has admitted that he's getting used to life without me, since I've been out so much lately. Fine. I didn't miss him while I was with L… only when I was in Sweden but when I tried to make him understand that I needed him, he was too busy with his own problems. I don't want to be selfish… I know he's not in his best moment at bussiness but... what about us?... I don't want to complain too much now that he's not having a good time and the thing is that I'm going to Egypt on Sunday and I'm going to leave him alone for another week…. And after I come back from Egypt L will be in Madrid, so I'll try to spend with him all my time….ffff I prefer not to think about it.

About the Egyptian Prince:
Egyptian Prince is really talkative lately, since I told him that I was going to be in Cairo next week. He even called me to my mobile…. Lol… he's never done that before. He used to tell me that he was not allowed international calls in his mobile….maybe now he is, because I know he's now a manager… but I still think he lied to me… jerk…. Anyway, I didn't answer the call… fuck him... The thing is that I really look forward to meeting him again, and now I'm different…or so I feel at least. I think I'm strong enough to play with him this time… We will see...

Snowy loneliness

2006-11-01T20:03:00.000+01:00

I´ve always thought snow dignifies everything it touches. Makes everything appear clean, brand new, pure and soft. I wish it snowed over me, and that snow covered me up to wash away my guilt and make me seem also clean and pure.
I´m in Sweden. Alone. On my own cos the jerk i have for a colleague left me alone again. Cool. Never liked him anyway. It´s good to be alone from time to time.
I have plenty of time to think... though the more i think the worse i feel.

I´m going to South Africa to visit L. tomorrow. I know I´m freaking crazy. I wanted to end this story when he left Spain... and not only I didn´t break up with him, but we´re meeting again!!!. It´s such a long story... going on for almost 5 months now... and I didn´t find the energy to post all what happened when he was in Spain...
Tomorrow it´s going to be a long day. I´ve got to take a plane early in the morning to go back to Madrid, and then I´ll fly to South Africa at night.
But I´m so sad now.... I barely spoke to R. yesterday and today. He knew I has here sad and alone but he didn´t care. I know he´s having such a hard time at work lately, but that´s not reason enough. I´m not blaming him for doing what I´m doing... but if he paid me more attention things won´t be like this for sure. We´ve spoken on the phone but he never got to me... We didn´t connect, if you know what I mean. And I specially needed that connection with him... I need to feel that I still can save this... that things will go back to normal... that I´m only a bored spoilt brat who can´t appreciate what she got.... I needed that connection today more than ever, but it hasn´t been possible.

So, I´ve tried to walk for a while in this beautiful city this afternoon. It´s cool to walk alone in a place where nobody knows you... where you can watch people without being watched. But it´s freaking cold and snowing like crazy. Snow gets into your eyes and cold gets into your bones. It was snowing that much that I decided to have an early dinner. The only thing I don´t like about being alone is having dinner on my own in a restaurant. Why all the guys think they have the right to stalk a lonely girl?, huh?.... Can´t I just have a beer in peace alone?.

About my other issue, after complaining to my manager for having chosen another one for the job, he changed his mind and assigned me for the job in Egypt. I don´t know why I keep making so many efforts for this stupid guy. I already told him that I was going to Cairo, although I´m not speaking much to him lately.
I´m supposed to go there really soon...just a week after I come back from South Africa. Now I only hope that the customer wont change his mind. We will see... I´ll only find out when I´m back from my holiday.

So this is it... I´ll be missing for a while...please... wish me good luck :-)

The Egyptian Prince opens his heart

2006-10-14T23:26:00.000+02:00

I'm so tired... physically and mentally. The last month has been literally exhausting... full of stress and full of emotions. So much to tell... but that's for another post.

Today just wanted to post a recent conversation with my beloved jerk. The one and only, the Egyptian Prince.I thought I was managing to control the situation pretty well lately... My story with L was keeping me busy and absorbing all my time and thoughts. But the Egyptian Prince always knew how to push my buttons...After talking to him I had nightmares all through the night. I even dreamt with snakes... which is totally disturbing, and according to what the experts say, means nothing good. So here it is...

Egyptian Prince : Just tell me who had broken ur heart lately?
Spanish Mozza : hahaha
Spanish Mozza :why do you ask that?
Spanish Mozza :do i seem like a broken hearted??
Egyptian Prince :because yes there is no love , only false relationships
Egyptian Prince :yes u seem so
Spanish Mozza :yeah. ... but that doesnt mean anybody broke my heart
Spanish Mozza :how come you connect that much lately?
Spanish Mozza :r you bored?
Egyptian Prince :yes very
Spanish Mozza :or broken hearted?
Egyptian Prince :I hadnt
Spanish Mozza :?
Egyptian Prince :A relationship since 3 years
Spanish Mozza :well... you must have been really broken hearted then to avoid getting into a new one... hahaha
Egyptian Prince :There is a girl nowadays, but I am not very attached to her
Spanish Mozza :i see...
Spanish Mozza :and why arent you attached to her?
Spanish Mozza :poor girl....
Egyptian Prince :I don t know what to do
Spanish Mozza :what do you mean?? about her?
Egyptian Prince :She is not poor at all
Egyptian Prince :I liked her only first two times I have seen her
Spanish Mozza :and what about the rest of times??? did she screw it up when she opened her mouth?? lol
Egyptian Prince :She didnt do anything wrong
Spanish Mozza :then?
Egyptian Prince :Case is that I don t like her that much
Spanish Mozza :i see
Egyptian Prince :I feel she is not my type at all
Egyptian Prince :I only get attached to her because of she is pretty and sexy
Spanish Mozza :i see... typical of guys
Egyptian Prince :But I didn t realize that she was going to be attched like that ! (mmmm that sounds familiar huh)
Spanish Mozza :also typical of girls.... hahaha
Egyptian Prince :I do not do what to do
Egyptian Prince :I feel very confused
Egyptian Prince :U know
Spanish Mozza :hahah yeah poor Egyptian Prince.... (a real prick this Egy Prince...)
Egyptian Prince :I have just seen her only 2 weeks
Spanish Mozza :i can imagine how confused you are.... terrible...terrible...
Spanish Mozza :lol
Spanish Mozza :cmon
Egyptian Prince :She is living abroad (also sounds familiar)
Spanish Mozza :i see... thats no good
Egyptian Prince :And I am really sick of sending sms reporting what I am doing all the time
Egyptian Prince :U know (yes... I know too well I'd say... why the hell are you telling me this??!!)
Spanish Mozza :i see
Egyptian Prince :I hate long distance relationships
Egyptian Prince :and I wish she calls and tell me "Egyptian Prince, that is enough"
Egyptian Prince :If it comes from her side that would facilitate everything (fucker... thats what you did to me...)
Spanish Mozza :im sure you can make her tell you that... doesnt sound that difficult
Egyptian Prince :hope so
Spanish Mozza :yup
Egyptian Prince :I am not really in my best times
Spanish Mozza :meaning what?
Egyptian Prince :Feeling so so so lonely
Egyptian Prince :Most of my friends are working abroad
Spanish Mozza :but if you got a chick and still dont wanna b with her you wont be that lonely i suppose
Egyptian Prince :And the others are married and have their lives
Spanish Mozza :aha
Egyptian Prince :That is the problm
Egyptian Prince :I tought like what u r talking
Spanish Mozza :what do you mean?
Egyptian Prince :But there are plenty of things to be considered when having a "chick" as u name it
Spanish Mozza :of course... .but... i dont know you say you're lonely... you got somebody who cares about you.... then go for it (I just can't beleive I'm telling this!!!)
Spanish Mozza :you'll never know if you dont try
Egyptian Prince :I feel very bored from long distance
Spanish Mozza :its only a matter of willing
Egyptian Prince :How can I make a try ??
Spanish Mozza :how long is it??...nowadays its really easy to talk... with all the internet things
Spanish Mozza :you can try to visit each other from time to time to find out if it really works
Spanish Mozza :i dont think its that big deal
Egyptian Prince :That s why I told u I saw her 2 weeks
Egyptian Prince :But now there has been 2 to 3 months I hadn t seen her
Spanish Mozza :you mean you saw her 2 weeks cos you visited her?
Egyptian Prince :no cuz she came to cairo
Egyptian Prince :Twice
Spanish Mozza :where does she live? very far?
Egyptian Prince :Switzerland
Egyptian Prince :She is half egyptian half swiss
Egyptian Prince :Living there
Spanish Mozza :well... not that far...could b worse...
Egyptian Prince :Whether she comes Or I go
Egyptian Prince :well it is not about communication, I feel not attached , u know what I mean
Egyptian Prince :I feel not glanced to her
Egyptian Prince :However she is very sweet to me
Egyptian Prince :And I can not be nothing but sweet to her too
Egyptian Prince :This is very very very problematic
Spanish Mozza :comon you like drama too much i think
Spanish Mozza :life is short
Spanish Mozza :just do what you feel like doing
Spanish Mozza :dont think about it too much
Egyptian Prince :Drama ! Come on I like fun , u have already known me
Spanish Mozza :then go to switzeland... eat cheese and have fun
Egyptian Prince :she is virgin (here we go)
Spanish Mozza :so??? she's a virgin so what?
Egyptian Prince :Like most of egyptians keeping it till mariage
Spanish Mozza :so???
Spanish Mozza :you have a problem with that?
Egyptian Prince :relation can not have any intimacy
Spanish Mozza :cmon Egyptian Prince
Egyptian Prince :come on Spanish Mozza
Spanish Mozza :you're old enough to know thats not all about sex
Egyptian Prince :it is not
Spanish Mozza :so... i just dont see the big deal here
Egyptian Prince :But all over my relations, I got attached to the ones i had sex with them
Egyptian Prince :Or was about to have sex with them
Egyptian Prince :this is crucial for me
Egyptian Prince :remember Spanish Mozza
Egyptian Prince :Last year
Spanish Mozza :what about last year?
Egyptian Prince :when we were together
Spanish Mozza :yeah and you were horny, so?
Egyptian Prince :and u were not ?
Spanish Mozza :lol... a bit
Egyptian Prince :Listen Spanish Mozza
Egyptian Prince :We like each other
Egyptian Prince :And u know it
Spanish Mozza :ok... so?
Egyptian Prince :U proudly hide it
Spanish Mozza :dont b silly, i've never hidden it
Spanish Mozza :i was the one who chased you Egyptian Prince
Egyptian Prince :Nowadays u r
Spanish Mozza :im not
Egyptian Prince :And I need u today
Spanish Mozza :come off it
Egyptian Prince :Yesterday
Egyptian Prince :so plz tell me when r u coming
Egyptian Prince :Can not wait all of that
Egyptian Prince :I need u
Egyptian Prince :I need to hug u
Egyptian Prince :And kiss u
Spanish Mozza :i dont know when im going
Egyptian Prince :I need we walk aside
Spanish Mozza :and im afraid i cannot give you what you need
Spanish Mozza :lol, you're kind of scary
Egyptian Prince :I need intimacy
Egyptian Prince :That s all
Spanish Mozza :thats why im telling you i cannot give you that
Spanish Mozza :not now
Egyptian Prince :I need to have u beside me
Egyptian Prince :why not ?
Spanish Mozza :cos im thinking of another guy now
Egyptian Prince :I am not smelling any truth (what???, not only he's a jerk, but also vain...don't you think I can fall in love again after my devastating experience with you?)
Spanish Mozza :and my story is much worse than yours... so you dont wanna hear
Spanish Mozza :whatever... if you beleive or not its not my problem...
Egyptian Prince :ok I am all ears (eyes)
Spanish Mozza :no... not in the mood seriously
Spanish Mozza :but he lives reaaaally far... and situation is pretty fucked up
Egyptian Prince :so u r in or out or inbetween
Spanish Mozza :what do you mean?
Egyptian Prince :I mean u r still in the relation or out or in between
Spanish Mozza :im telling him i just cant go on with this... but i think about him all the time
Spanish Mozza :and we're really hooked up on each other
Spanish Mozza :cos that story about sms sounds familiar
Egyptian Prince :exactly like the girl I told u about
Spanish Mozza :and hes freaking jealous
Spanish Mozza :and he mistrust me all the time and its driving me crazy
Egyptian Prince :which means I shouldnt talk to u anymore (definitely, that would be the best)
Spanish Mozza :he's more hooked up on me than i on him this time
Spanish Mozza :after what happened with you i dont want shit things with ppl living far
Egyptian Prince :u know something
Spanish Mozza :?
Egyptian Prince :nothing happened with me, I am still here, remember that, and last year was out of my hands, we are from different cultures, u didn t realize or even compromise, u have just gone angry (fucker... just angry? c'mon.. he told me he didnt want to meet me more often during Ramadan cos he felt too horny whenever he saw me... and told me I could never understand it since I was not a guy and I wasn't muslim either....)
Spanish Mozza :im not talking about last year Egyptian Prince
Egyptian Prince :what else then?
Spanish Mozza :i lost my head with you... and you didnt have the guts to stop me on time
Spanish Mozza :thats all
Spanish Mozza :but i dont resent you or something
Spanish Mozza :just dont want to make same mistakes with other ppl
Spanish Mozza :the guy is also from another race, culture and religion....
Spanish Mozza :and its a mess... beleive me
Egyptian Prince :lost head ,mmm...
Egyptian Prince :so when r u coming to cairo
Egyptian Prince :soon
Spanish Mozza :i suppose soon yeah
Spanish Mozza :i finish with my curren project like in 2 weeks and then i think i start with egypt
Egyptian Prince :next month for example
Spanish Mozza :not sure though, dont know yet
Egyptian Prince :just keep me updated whenever u come to egypt
Spanish Mozza :ill tell you, dont worry (I shouldnt..... I know)
Egyptian Prince :I wish to hug u right now
Spanish Mozza :hahah (funny sense of humour this guy has)
Egyptian Prince :U know that
Spanish Mozza :what?? ?i know nothing
Egyptian Prince :I just remembered ur way talking
Spanish Mozza :hahah
Spanish Mozza :i talk fast ...
Spanish Mozza :nobody understands me lately that im so stressed... lol.. not even my family
Egyptian Prince :remember my hands graping all of u last time we met? (true... when he holded me I couldn't control his hands...he's too big)
Spanish Mozza :shut up i dont want to think of that
Egyptian Prince :I am only thinking of that now
Spanish Mozza :well thanks for sharing
Spanish Mozza :but i prefer you dont
Egyptian Prince :I just wanted to show u how much I miss u
Spanish Mozza :i dont beleive you Egyptian Prince. but it doesnt matter in any case, does it?
Egyptian Prince :I do really miss u Spanish Mozza
Spanish Mozza :its fine... what do you want me to do??? (shit... stop telling me that!!!)
Egyptian Prince :U have to believe me, just tell me what makes me chat with u all that time?

Well, this a summary of our last conversation. Suggestions??, Ideas???? Any comments will be wellcomed....

Lies and egyptian hormones

2006-09-12T11:34:00.000+02:00

I have no idea of what happened to the Egyptian Prince lately. I guess it's just that his hormones are pretty mesed up. We talk a lot on the net (meaning he's the one that starts the chatting), and he's been sending me pics and even a of voice mail. Oh boy... when I heard his voice I was tempted to call him… but I didn't. Last week he sent me two sms to which I didn't reply. The funniest thing was that he told me that he was obsessed with me (How dare you????, I mean… I can't get you out of my head.. You don't know what obsession means... how dare you say you're obsessed with me?, you jerk). Last week I even ignored him when he tried to start a chat, and guess what he did… He connected from his mobile while he was in a meeting and started telling me that all he could think about was me.
Obviously, he's only talking about the same thing all the time: sex. That's it. He needs to have me. Asking me to go to Sharm for the weekend and stupid proposals like this. I'm disappointed but just because I got the impression that he thought higher of me. Does he really think I'm that stupid?? Does he think that I'll ever again take him seriously?. Come off it.
Unfortunately, seeing him think of me as much as I think of him makes me weak. But I can't give up. If I do, he'll start ignoring me again and making me feel miserable once more.
On the other hand… L is coming on Saturday and I still don't know what to do.
Do I love R?, Yes, definitely I do. I love him most than anybody else.
Am I in love with L?. No, I got a crush on the guy and just find cute the way he chases me. Made me feel good after my low self-esteem post-Egyptian Prince period. just that.
Then… Why the hell am I doing this?. Honestly, no idea, I'm just letting go....
Lack of emotions in my life?, might be… but still not reason enough.
The thing I regret the most is the huge lie I told L. making him believe that I'm free, and I still got no clue of why I did that. I'm afraid to beleive what L tells me….but what if it's true?... I don't want to hurt him and yet he's crossing the world just to see me. God… why did I lie? C'mon... I never lie… why did I do it this time?. It's too late now to tell the truth, I cannot make him mad now because I'm afraid of what he could do. I only have one option. Wait until he leaves Spain and then tell him that we cannot be together, and that's what I'll do. And I won't lie ever again. I promise.

Lost

2006-09-03T18:07:00.000+02:00

I’m overwhelmed by what I’ve been living the last three months.

L does not seem to accept a no for an answer and he’s coming to Madrid in two weeks. At the beggining I was really flattered, but now I’m truly scared about this situation. I’m eager to see him again, but I’m risking a lot here. R and I are not in our best moment, that’s true, but I don’t want to loose him and I just can’t cheat on him.
On the other hand, L is showing me that he really cares and is ready to accept my conditions, but I must not forget he’s a dangerous guy. We’ve been having big rows since we met because he wants to control everything about me. When he’s mad at me he’s scary, but when we’re ok, he’s so sweet that he has made me wonder... Why not?, If I don’t try I’ll never know. The thing is that I’ve hurt L unintentionally and I haven’t been honest with him. That’s not right, and I don’t feel good. But I can’t tell him the truth, it’s too late for that, and this is stressing me like hell. It’s just eating me.

In the meantime the Egyptian Prince has been talking to me in msn, and has sent me some new pics. I should have deleted the email as soon as I got it, but I didn’t... big mistake. When I saw him everything started over, and I started talking nonsense with him again. I have no will with this guy, damn. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I still have no news about this job in Egypt, but I got the feeling that the job is already mine. In any case, It will be in a few months, because I’m still working for another project.

So that’s how I am right now... just waiting and wondering what’s going to happen with my life. I guess I’ve never been that lost.

I want that job!!!!

2006-08-09T18:09:00.000+02:00

Our customer in Egypt has a requirement for us. I need that job. Badly. My manager already knows that I prefer to go to Egypt more than any other place. I used to get on really well with him but now he's got a lot of personal problems and it's usually in a bad mood, so I don't want to insist. Besides, I'm not sure yet if our people will do it and if I'll be one of the persons assigned for it. Just to think about coming back makes me really nervous. I have to get that job no matter how.

Happy Birthday

2006-08-01T11:11:00.000+02:00

Days go by and I don't feel like writing lately.
I'm so entangled with my story with you that I barely find time to do anything else. Even when I was on holiday we kept on smsing and you called me several times. Actually, you know my friend was a bit fed up with you and our story.
This has gone too far now. When you said you loved me I started to feel really scared, cos I was also starting to develop deep feelings towards you. That's why I have decided that I have to stop it.
I have to admit that when you told me that you wanted to come to Spain for my birthday I was really flattered, because I know that you're coming from the other side of the world (literally). But I had to give you an excuse. I thought you had forgotten, but when you tried again to make plans to meet me another week I felt very pressured. This is too good to be real… It won't work. It was very sweet of you to tell me that you'd wait for me if I wasn't sure. I know this must have been difficult for you, because I know you just a lillte bit now, and I know how impatient you are. When I told you I needed to take some time, instead of going mad you were kind and understandable. That's why I hesitated… like what the hell? What happens if i take the chance? You never know where is your true love, right?
Last Friday when I was at the office I got a call from reception. There was something for me. When I came dowm I couldn't believe my eyes…and I knew without looking at the card that it was you who had sent it. A dozen of red roses, a teddy bear and a huge box of chocolates. I started to cry and I had to hide in the toilet. I also hide the present in my car, to avoid anybody seeing it. I guess the security people think that I'm completely out of my mind.
You were doing really good.I mean, I knew I had to break up with you… but I still wasn't able because you made me feel so good. I even found funny your jealousy and I've accepted gladly your demands.I found funny that you didnt want me to go to this party. All the time I thought you were joking. Until you called me. You screwed it up. No way back. You made me feel really scared. And all that cos I didn't answer the phone on time. It's ok.. You wanted to wish me happy birthday at twelve o'clock. That's really romantic. It's a pity that I didn't hear the damned phone and I talked to you 15 mins later. And it's a pity you went mad that way, cos I never found shouts romantic at all. You know, when you hear these stories about jealous freaks you think that this only happens to other people. Actually, I'm pretty jealous myself. But you are insane. You made me feel afraid of you, so afraid that I didn't have the guts to hang up the phone. Thank God you were far away, because I don't know what would have happened if I was in front of you. I know you're sorry. I mean, I know that you really mean it when you say you're sorry you lost your temper, but I just can't look at you the same way. I can't accept something like that. The only man that had the right to yell at me is dead, and he never yelled at me, by the way.
You know, when I first saw you I thought you were cool, with your bad boy look. I felt curious about you. After getting to know you I've found out that you're a real bad ass. I can't blame you for that. Things have always been easy for me.It's easy when your parents love each other, and care about you. It's easy when you are a happy child, and the only thing you care about is playing with your friends. It's easy when you don't need money to live or to go to Collegue. I know this has not been your case. I'm not excusing you, because even if you had a hard childhood I won't accept half of the things you've done, like stealing or getting into drugs. I'm not judging you here, but I feel I can't put up with this. I really appreciate your honesty. You've opened your heart to me and I have the feeling that you're telling me the truth, which is more than we can say about me. But let's be realistic, our backgrounds are so different that this will never work. No way.
When I told you I wanted to stop this I couldn't help but crying. I'm so sorry for provoking this situation. I just wanted to play, to forget the stupid Egyptian Prince, and I found a sweet bad guy who makes me feel like a teenager. And you still blamed yourself for making me cry and felt so upset for ruining my birthday. And you begged me and that made me feel worse, if that is possible.
C'mon… you didn't ruin my birthday baby. You only made it special. I will never forget this day, and I don't think I will ever be able forget you.

Flipping out

2006-07-05T00:21:00.000+02:00

I've had a great holiday at the beach. I can't say I've been completely relaxed and thinking about nothing, because I'd be lying, but it has been good anyway. I’ve been a lot of time alone, walking on the beach on my own trying to order my ideas... but I’m afraid that the more I think, the more confused I feel.
Unfortunately, instead of focusing on R. I’ve been thinking too much about the Egyptian Prince. I’ve thought of him that much that one of the afternoons that I was on the beach alone I couldn't help sending him an sms telling him where I was. Just an innocent and friendly sms to which he replied with a "Please don't tell me that because I'm thinking about you a lot lately". Liar… I said… and his reply this time was kind of weird… I mean.. He's been avoiding me lately… I don't know why he starts like that again.
The thing is that he told me that he was all the time remembering my last day in Cairo… that he regretted so much that he let me go away just like that. Well, this is a long story that needs its own explanation… The last time I was in Cairo it was Ramadan, and our story became a kind of drama… but I don't feel like talking about it now. Maybe another time.
I was disturbed by his reply… and during the week we had some more smsing. Actually, he didn't reply my last two and I started to feel lousy again.
When I came back home, I started my PC to check my e-mail and there he was…Instead of ignoring him I opened a conversation:
Spanish Moza: hey
Egyptian Prince: ouhhhhh baby
Spanish Moza: just came back from the beach and was checking my email
Egyptian Prince: send me some photos of u plzzzz
Spanish Moza: come off it
Spanish Moza: why do you keep fooling me???
Egyptian Prince: cuz I am really fool and getting excited each time I c u or think of u
Spanish Moza: you got me wrong from the beginning, right?
Egyptian Prince: yes
Egyptian Prince: right
Spanish Moza: cmon, im serious
Egyptian Prince: I m not
Spanish Moza: i know
Egyptian Prince: u don't
Spanish Moza: cos when i talk to you i always dream of you and i dont want to start over again
Egyptian Prince: ok what shall I do?
Spanish Moza: if you dont want me just let me go but please dont fool me anymore
Egyptian Prince: u r exciting me up
Spanish Moza: what?
Spanish Moza: cmon, i dont like it when you start like this, serious
Spanish Moza: ur gone?
Spanish Moza: hey, come back....
Spanish Moza: pleeeeease come back
Spanish Moza: I don’t know what you have to be so rude
Spanish Moza: If you’re busy just tell me so and I’ll stop
Spanish Moza: Please, give me just five minutes
Spanish Moza: Listen, I don’t know why you have to behave like this but I think that enough is enough
This conversation is so explanatory in itself. Obviously I was really annoyed one more time. So sad, feeling so bad, so low, that I honestly didn't know what to do. I mean, the situation is extremly humiliating since I've already promised myself thousands of times before ignoring him and it seems it doesn't work. I was in a terrible mood the whole day. So, fine, it's absolutely clear what he wants and the way he sees things… so let it go….right????. Well, It's just that I can't let it go. I'm a typical spanish girl… lol… I'm too passionate, I just can't let it go like that.
So, I was struggling about what to do and I decided that If he liked to play, I also had the right to play, right???. If he sees me like a bitch, let's play that role and see what happens. So there we go….the following day, late at night I sent him the following SMS:

Spanish Moza:
Baby baby baby... Im in bed thinking of u. 2 hot 2 sleep. Mmmm (Hey you fucking Prince...take that one)

Egyptian Prince: I am very hot too can not sleep, need ur body very much (lol, what????, you jerk... I meant that It was too hot to sleep, not that I was hot... LOL, hey this was funny)

Spanish Moza:
Want 2 feel ur hands on my body. I love ur hands (I was doing good on my bitch role huh??)

Egyptian Prince:
Yesss, wana catch all ur breast with my hand, I need u to be so close to me right now, plz come again here. (Sure baby... you wait for me)

Spanish Moza:
Can u imagine what Im doing right now? (Actually I was laughing my ass off while watching TV with mom)

Egyptian Prince: yes I am imagining everything, I am doing something similar right now, I am very excited and thinking of u and ur body very hardly (wow, this was nasty... so I decided to stop here)

So, my question is.... is this guy a nerd appart from being a jerk???. I mean... what on earth made him think that I was serious???. I just don’t get it. He knows me by now. He knows how I am and what I say and how I behave.... didn’t he find that suspicious???. I just don’t get it. Really. And why the hell is sex all the time in his sick mind???. I know you’ll probably think that he has behaved like that from the beginning but not at all. He was the sweetest guy I’d ever had imagined.

Anyway I’m afraid I’ve gone too far this time.... Too far to think of recovering our friendship or whatever it was. Actually this is good, because it will keep me away from him. I mean, I wouldn’t be able to try to contact him again after what I’ve done. I'm not that bitch after all...so I guess this is the end of it whether I like it or not.

Just one last thing...hey, egyptian guys... please tell me that you’re not all like him. I refuse to believe that.... God...this world is crazy.

HOLIDAY, INTERVIEWS AND MESS

2006-06-21T16:34:00.000+02:00

I'm going on holiday... I need it!!. I don't sleep at all lately... The interviews I've had in the last two weeks and the mess with L are getting on my nerves.
The Egyptian Prince connects to the messenger a lot lately. Makes me nervous to know that he's out there... online... To know that I can talk to him... just like that... but I was kind of pissed after our last conversation. He keeps on telling me the same crap, again and again... Besides he never says goodbye and I find that particularly annoying, so I have decided not to start a conversation again.
Actually, L. has made me understand what is to be really interested in somebody... no matter the distance or the cultural differences. So, let's say that I'm using L. to forget the Egyptian Prince, and I don't know what will be the end of this story.
So, I was peacefully working at home this mornig when the Egyptian Prince turned up and this is what followed:

Egyptian Prince: hellllooo
Spanish Moza: how r u?
Egyptian Prince: i am ok thanks
Egyptian Prince: how is life in the office
Spanish Moza: cool.... im on holiday!!!
Egyptian Prince: wowwwwww
Egyptian Prince: where?
Egyptian Prince: xxx (a place where we were supposed to have met last summer... long story)
Spanish Moza: actually im making interviews like theres no tomorrow but aparently nobody wants me
Spanish Moza: no, im not going to XXX... maybe in july
Egyptian Prince: i want you
Spanish Moza: dont b silly
Egyptian Prince: :)
Spanish Moza: im going to andalucia
Egyptian Prince: i am silly (He's not exactly silly, he's just a jerk)
Spanish Moza: to the beach in the south of spain
Egyptian Prince: very :)
Spanish Moza: lol
Egyptian Prince: wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Egyptian Prince: wish to be there with u
Spanish Moza: its easy
Spanish Moza: take a plane and come
Spanish Moza: :P
Egyptian Prince: what if i come
Egyptian Prince: what r we going to do ? :)
Spanish Moza: go to the beach
Spanish Moza: and enjoy andalucia... i'm sure you'd like it
Egyptian Prince: just that ?
Spanish Moza: just that
Egyptian Prince: only beach and enjoying andalucia?
Spanish Moza: only
Egyptian Prince: ouuuuuuuh
Egyptian Prince: am i punished or something ? ;)
Spanish Moza: sort of
Egyptian Prince: what shall i do to release this punishment ?
Spanish Moza: you already know what you got to do
Spanish Moza: :P
Egyptian Prince:wana hear it from you :)
Spanish Moza: cmon
.........no answer for the time being....

I know that I'm hooked on this guy, but I'm not that dumb. I understand that he sees me the way my egyptian blogger friends told me he would see me. Just an easy european chick. And this really upsets me. I don't know if there's a way to change that but I'm afraid there isn't, and this makes me feel so depressed. I'm sure he's never believed a word of what I've told him about my feelings. And it was all true!!!. Is there a way I could make him see how wrong he is???. Any suggestions????

Here we go again

2006-06-17T20:56:00.000+02:00

I think I’ve screwed it up.
I knew that he was going to be there, and I have to admit that I liked the idea…I was curious about him ever since I first saw him in Madrid. And I needed to drive my mind away from the Egyptian Prince. I wanted to get rid of the feeling he provokes me. He’s made my self-esteem lower than ever. The feeling of being rejected, always begging for his attention and feeling ignored most of the time. Always alert... trying to contact him and waiting to be turned down. I needed reassurance. I just wanted to play you know.... play with somebody the way the Egyptian Prince had been playing with me. But I’ve gone too far now.... I’ve lied to him and now I’ve realized that noboy deserves to pay for what other’s have done. He’s not a jerk... he’s sweet and I’m so ashamed of my behaviour. He’s showing me he’s got real interest, and actually I find that I care for him more than I expected to care. But I know my boundaries, and even though I’m not sure about how will I end up with R, I’m not that bitch. I don’t deserve none of them and the Prince does not deserve me. But that’s the way it works.

On my way

2006-06-04T17:39:00.000+02:00

No time to write, and a lot of things to tell.

- Big row with mum in the family weekend. Mum deserves her own post.

- Several SMSs with the Egyptian prince discussing the football match Spain-Egypt (at least he's still there, I haven't dreamt it all)

- On my way to the airport for a 12 hour trip

-Nervous

- Really nervous

I've called you

2006-05-29T20:21:00.000+02:00

After being 13 hours at work... on my own in this huge, lonely and scary building... my mind must be running out of battery or something, cause I've just called you. Just to hear your lovely voice answering the phone. And I've hung up. Just like that.

Stressed

2006-05-29T16:38:00.000+02:00

I'm running out of time for the tests I need to perform to prepare my following work trip to Africa. I'm leaving on Sunday and I'm encountering problems every second. I don't even have time to vaccinate against meningitis. Never mind...It's not mandatory, since I'm only staying for a week….. I'm stressed….. I only have three days in this week because I have a family gathering out of Madrid… which means that I'll have to finish with all the preparations by Wednesday, which by the way, is the day after tomorrow!!!! Arghhhh.
When I work under pressure I tend to be like this….brrrrr
I missed a party at Kareem's blog this morning :-((, but I'll hopefully catch up later.

62 days and 13 hours since he last connected to the messenger…c'mon where are you?????

Kareem's questions

2006-05-24T16:17:00.000+02:00

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as your dinner guest? As your close friend? As your lover?
As a dinner guest I’d choose Isabel Preysler
As a close friend I’d choose Alberto Cortina
As my lover ummm…. Can't you imagine?
Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by five years to become extremely attractive?
Of course not!!!. What kind of question is this?????
Would you rather spend a month on vacation with your parents or put in overtime at your current job for four weeks without extra compensation?
I'd definitely spend a month on vacation with my parents. I think we all have to learn to value the time we spend with them. We have to realize that these are unique moments before is too late.
When did you last cry by yourself? In front of another person?
Don't know… a couple of months maybe… in front of another person. And by myself I don't remember. I usually don't cry by myself. I prefer to have a friend to wipe my tears.
If 100 people your age were chosen at random, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than yours?
I guess it depends on what you considered satisfying life.... If satisfying means funny, full of excitement and interesting I think maybe 15 people would have a better life. Otherwise, if satisfying means being married, having kids and that sort of "what's expected from you" thing… could be up to 30 people.
If you had the choice of one intimate soul mate and no other close friends, or of no such soul mate and many friends and acquaintances, which would you choose?
I'd definitely choose friends. I think it's a tricky question though. I mean, If it implies that is your soul mate the one who asks you to do it, I simply would't feel atracted to the type of guy that forces me to decide between him and my friends. So, that's out of the question. Would't be such a choice.
If we're talking about an hypothetical decision, I'd still choose friends. Boys come and go. My friends are always there.
Do you think your friends would agree with one another about the kind of person you are?
Definitely
Would you prefer to be blind or deaf?
I think both are terrible, but if I had to choose, I'd prefer to be deaf.
How many of your friendships have lasted more than ten years? Which of your current friends do you feel will still be important to you ten years from now?
Let's see…. 7 friendships that are important to me have lasted more than 10 years. Two of them more than 20 years, actually (we met in our first years at school).
Ten years from now I suppose that I will still have at least 4 of these friendships. Although I only consider two of these people friends till death.
If you could mould to your liking your memories of any past experience, would you do so?
Of course not!!
Would you be content with a marriage of the highest quality in all respects but one – it completely lacked sex?
I could't be happy in a marriage without sex. I think sex is really important for a loving couple.
If you were happily married, and then met someone you felt was certain to always bring you deeply passionate, intoxicating love, would you leave your spouse? What if you had kids?
If I happen to meet by chance someone like that, that makes me forget my husband, I'd leave him for sure, but only if I didn't have kids. In case I had kids, it would depend on their age… if they were old enough I'd still leave my husband. If not, I'd go on with my marriage to take care of the children. I'm afraid that if you decide to have kids you can forget about yourself for a while… and this decision would be really selfish.
Relative of the population at large? How do you rate your physical attractiveness? Your intelligence? Your personality?
Physical attractiveness: 9 .Well, It would be stupid to deny that I know I'm hot (I'm a Spanish Mozza after all, LOL), but, being so insecure, I honestly forget about it in the day-to-day.
Intelligence: 9 According to the tests, I've got a remarkable intelligence which, by the way, I don't use most of the time.
Personality: 7 I've got a strong character… but what most people don't know is that my self esteem is pathetic.
If you could script the basic plot for the dream you will have tonight, what would the story be?
I would be trekking with my dad in the mountains. A long walk. I would told him about my worries, and about how lost I am since he left me. He'd told me the right thing to do.
While out one day, you are surprised to see your father holding hands with someone who is clearly his lover, he begs you not to say anything to your mother. How would you respond? What if your mother later told you that she was going crazy thinking that your father was having an affair yet knew it was just her imagination?
I'd keep my father's secret and I would't say anything to my mother. If my mother told me about her suspicions I'd talk to my father and make him tell her the truth.
If you had to spend the next 2 years inside a small but fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person, whom would you like to have with you?
I'd want to be with an intelligent male, with a great sense of humor and lots of stories to tell. He would have to put up with me, so he'd need to be positive, and easy going. And if I can choose, I'd prefer him to be also attractive , although is not a must ;-)
You become involved romantically but after 6 months realize you need to end the relationship. If you were certain the person would commit suicide if you were to leave and were also certain you could not be happy with the person, what would you do?
I'd stay for a while. I'd stay enough time to persuade the guy that I'm not the one for him and that I cannot make him happy.
What was your most enjoyable dream? Your worst nightmare?
I don't think I have a most enjoyable dream. I remember most of my dreams, and I particularly like those about swimming in the Caribbean, or traveling in general, laughing with my friends. My worst nightmare repeated several times in the past. It was about my dad. I knew he was really ill, but he didn't know. I knew he was about to die, but I still could't do anything to stop it. I couldn't help him. I don't even want to remember it. Grrrr
If by sacrificing your life you could contribute so much to the world you would be honored by all nations, would you be willing to do so? If so, would you make the sacrifice knowing that someone you thoroughly disliked would received that honor while you went unrecognized?
No I wouln't in any case. I'm not that altruistic.
Would you like your spouse to be both smarter and more attractive than you are?
At least I'd like to feel that he's smarter than me. I mean, I need to admire my partner, otherwise I can't fall in love. I could't respect a guy who I think it's dumber than me ;-).
Regarding attractiveness…. I guess I don't care… as long as I find him attractive. Actually, based on my experience, I think it's more practical if I'm the only one who finds him attractive. ;-)
You discover that your wonderful one-year-old child is, because of a mix-up at the hospital, not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try and correct the mistake?
I don't think I'd change it. With a whole year with you the baby is already your child. I'll try to check the other child though, out of curiosity. Maybe the children could become friends...
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
I sang for myself half an hour ago. I sing for myself everyday!!!. I'm always singing. And for someone else… let's see I think it was for a friend in collegue. He always asked me to sing for him (even on the phone!!).
Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?
Well, I think being a girl is an advantage in a lot of situations. I have to admit that I know it and I use it when I need it (for instance, when I take the car to the garage and I pretend to ignore everything about engines). …. BUT….I also have to admit that, being a technician and working with males most of the time, I have wished to be a man quite a few times, specially when working with males froma a different culture.
What are your most compulsive habits? Do you regularly struggle to break these habits?
I don't have compulsive habits. At least not ones that I'm concious about and I'd like to break.
Would you enjoy spending a month of solitude in a beautiful natural setting? Food and shelter would be provided but you would not see another person.
I'm afraid a moth is too much for me. A week would be enough.
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly? Would you change anything about the way you are now living?
Although I already try to live like I was about to die suddenly I'd try to spend even more time with my mum and be nicer to her. I'd quit my job. I also would like to travel to a couple of pending places, and I would have a baby. What a year…..
If you knew you would die of an incurable disease within 3 months, would you allow yourself to be frozen within the week if you knew it would give you a modest chance of being revived in 1,000 years and living a greatly extended life?
Sure, I'd say goodbye to everybody and I'd prepare to wait for 1000 years.
You are invited to a party that will be attended by many fascinating people you’ve never met. Would you want to go if you had to go by yourself?
Yes, I'd go by myself. Sounds interesting and after all I'm really sociable.
If you were at a friend’s house for thanksgiving dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what would you do?
I'd try not to look at it and I'd stop eating with any excuse.
If someone you love deeply is brutally murdered and you know the identity of the murderer, who unfortunately is acquitted of the crime. Would you seek revenge?
No doubt

Gloomy

2006-05-22T11:24:00.000+02:00

About me:
I didn't write anything in the last days because I was (I should say I am) in such a gloomy mood that I didn't feel like writing.
I have to go back to meditation. I used to meditate three times a day and I loved it. It made me feel relaxed but at the same time full of energy. The thing is that I don't know why, but I quitted it more than a month ago. I wasn't able to concentrate properly and now it seems that I've got out ot the habit. I definitely have to start again.
I was very disappointed at the beginning of last week when I found out about the cancellation of one project for our customer in Egypt that I was eagerly expecting. I sent an e-mail to the Prince, to check if he new anything else. He didn't. Didn't seem very talkative either. I sent him another e-mail saying, ok and about you?? how are you?. He didn't answer. I know something is going on. Will he be engaged already?. I know he was desperately looking for a wife. Egyptian and muslim wife of course. But if he's seriously dating somebody, why doesn't he just tell me so to keep me from behaving like a moron???. I still care so much. It's funny how I get so angry after all he's already done to me. I mean, I should be ready for his kind of reactions. It's just that I cannot let it stay. I feel like writing him a long e-mail, explaining that although he doesn't believe me I still think of him every moment. That I need to see him. But my experience tells me that that would't work. He doesn' t feel the way I do. Apart from thinking that I'm a western bitch he'd think that I'm also a psycho being obsessed with him for a year. It's underestandable. So, what can I do?. Just let it stay?. I can't!!!. There must be something I can do.
The job-search thing is bugging me all the time. I feel remorse…. I think I could make a bigger effort to improve my search. I know I'm wasting my time here. Days go by… and I'm still in the same place. I think I'm lazy and afraid of changing at the same time… Besides, I don't know why I don't get more job interviews since I've sent my resume to quite a few places. I'm a f. engineer with a f. MBA. What's wrong?. I guess it's a matter of patience. I've always been too impatient...
About fake friends:
Last Thursday night I had a hen-party dinner with my colleagues from College. I didn't feel like going at all, but since I'm eluding the wedding with a good excuse I felt I had to go. A gang of bitches actually. I could only consider two of them something similar to a friend. Let's see:
1- The one who's getting married used to be a close friend. I don't know well what happened but a few years ago she suddenly changed and didn't speak to me anymore. She's always been very touchy, so I suppose I did something that annoyed her and she refused to tell me when I asked her openly what was happening with us. I didn't call her anymore either. Indeed, I was going through the worst period of my life, so I felt It should be her the one to be worried about our friendship and not me, with all the stuff that I was dealing with… We met again a couple of years ago in friend number two wedding. She tried to speak to me with tears in her eyes but I just didn't wanted a scene, so I avoided her. I found out recently that she was getting married and I honestly felt happy for her, so I called her. She has invited me to the wedding but I just don't want to go. I don't even want to recover her frienship. Obviously it wasn't a real frienship. It will never be the same, at least for me. So that's it. End of the story.
2- The second friend used to be almost like my sister when we were at collegue. I loved her as much as my friends from childhood. We run through lots of things together... Until I found out that she was entangled with the guy I was in love with. Everybody knew. Except me. It was R who told me. Hey, that's a good story, I think that it deserves its own post. I haven't felt more betrayed in my life. Not even with a guy. Didn't expected it at all. Didn't see it coming. Definitely, I'll write about it some other time.

Is he or is he not?

2006-05-10T16:04:00.000+02:00

I've been thinking a lot last week. Thinking about R. And about me. Is he really the man of my life??. I honestly find it difficult to tell at this point of my life.
I've had anogher nightmare, this time about marriage. I don't even want to talk about marriage. Should I???. On top of that it seems that the pregnancy rate among my friends is reaching epidemic proportions. I feel the pressure in the air….
R. doesn't talk about it either… I mean, I don't feel like marrying and having children right now, but it pisses me the fact that he doesn't even mention it, being devoted to his happy commitment- free life.
My worst fault is that I'm the most resenful person I know. Not only I barely forgive but I never forget. Of course I'm not proud about it. I don't like it at all, as I'm the one that takes the worst part about it. The negative energy, the bad vibes... It's neither nice nor easy for me and that's why I've been working on it for a while. Trying to make this feeling dissaperar, to replace it by forgiveness and understanding.
I thought I was getting better at it, but last Monday I remembered something R did to me some time ago that made me to the verge of dumping him. Judge yourselves.
We were with a male friend (more a colleague than a friend, actually) in a bar… and suddenly a fight started. One of the guys involved threatened with taking out a gun (of course that was just a bluff). Our friend instintively reached for me, trying to protect me with his body. And guess what!!!.. R just dissappeared before we could even turn our heads. He was hidden in the toilets downstairs. I couldn't believe it. He moved too fast for us to notice. To save his ass…
Our friend was annoyed… he couldn't believe what R had just done. He still reminds me of it from time to time and laughs at R. But for me it's not funny at all.
It's not just that he's a chicken, it's about his selfishness… I mean, I can admit that he's a coward. All right. No problem. But what about me?. I'm his girl, right??. He could have grabbed me in his flight to the toilets. Don't you think?. I didn't want to make a scene with our colleague but we had a big row later on. He didn't even apologyze. He just said he din't know why he'd done that. And that's all. That made me think a lot. What would he do in a critical situation???. I guess the same. I mean, save his ass and forget about me.
I don't know if I'm being too histerical at this but something made me remember it and now I can't get rid of this nasty feeling. Maybe he's also a chicken for commitment. Maybe if I saw him willing to commit I would feel like committing too. Don't know….Maybe my lack of enthusiasm and my recent lack of passion is only due to his attitude…. Maybe the Egyptian Prince is just the consequence and not the cause… don't know …don't know… don't know.

NIGHTMARES, GUILTY CONSCIENCE, MAILS AND FOOLISHNESS

2006-05-02T14:14:00.000+02:00

My guilty side:
I've been having some bad dreams for the late three nights. They're all about R being with other girls…. It's all mixed up… I've dreamt about one of his exs the other night (actually she was having lunch with my mom !!???), but tonight I've dreamt that he was cheating me openly. I found out that he'd been with two different girls in the same week and that he'd even had sex with one of them (I didn't know the girls though).
I've always been particularly affected by my dreams. I remember them vividly and my mood during the day depends a lot on my dreams.
I wonder if these kind of dreams are just a reflection of my own behaviour. I feel I have betrayed him, just by thinking of another guy. I love R. He doesn't deserve this, and I feel so guilty about it….

My fool side:
I just wanted to know if the Egyptian Prince was at the office. So, I sent a general mail with a joke including him. He read the mail, and he answered inmediately telling that he misses me so much. Really???. Five weeks missing but you miss me ??? (if you'll forgive the repetition).
I've replied him but he hasn't answered. Will I ever learn? How can he be such a jerk and how can I be such a fool?????

WEEKEND AT THE OFFICE

2006-04-29T15:57:00.000+02:00

El puente de mayo in Madrid is the four days break after Easter that people is expecting the most. And guess what I'm doing this year to celebrate it!!!. I'm working. Great.
The four days locked up in the office since 8 am. This morning I could't even buy the newspapers to continue with my job search because the news stand was closed. I guess nobody wakes up a Saturday before 11 ;-)).
Actually, one of my colleagues this morning was kidding because he had been having breakfast in a café, sitting by a group of young people who were still partying the Friday night (Madrid nightlife is cool!!!). They were still drinking alcohol while he was drinking his morning coffee.
So, here I am, with a few of my colleagues, all feeling like wretches for having to stay here at work, while the rest of the people is outside, enjoying the long weekend with this lovely weather. If I'm lucky I will stay here just for four hours more…. arhggggg. Never mind!!!. Le'ts be positive, I will hopefully have time to write and to look for a job in the internet while I pretend to be working.
I love spring in Madrid. The days are much longer, and if the weather is good, like today, the sky is so blue that you cannot help but being idiotically happy. Even the waste grounds look gorgeous covered with flowers. They look almost as impressionist paintings in yellow, red, white, blue and violet.
If I wasn't here, I would surely spend the day trekking in the mountains. I don't do it so often lately since R's dog is getting older everyday. R doesn't want to go without the dog and I don't want to go without R, so that's it.
I used to go trekking with my dad every Saturday. Every single one. I loved it. In fact, it was him who taught me to love nature. Ever since I was a child, we spent our Saturdays in the countryside, trekking through mountains, rivers and forests. We used to spend hours talking about us, about life, about my future and my worries. We were so alike that he understood me like no one has ever done. We were so close and we loved each other so much, that I was simply unable to imagine that one day he would have to leave me.
When I met R. and we became friends, I wanted to share with him the beautiful spots that I knew, so I started to go trekking with him from time to time. My dad told me half kidding that he felt betrayed. I suppose it must have been hard for him to see how his little girl was slowly growing apart. Anyway, I never abandoned him, I just divided myself between dad and R.
I don't know why I've thought of this right now, but I remember that one of our favourite routes had something that really impressed me the first time I saw it. It was a huge old pine located in a bend of the path. Tied to this big tree, at the ground level there was a metallic chain with big letters. It was like one of this necklaces with one's name but much much bigger. The letters on the chain formed a phrase, and you had to go round the tree trunk to read it. Actually, we had to dig some of the letters up as part of the chain was hidden in the ground. When we finished we could read the phrase at last. It said "A SU QUERIDA MEMORIA", which means "To his (or her, in Spanish is the same) beloved memory". We were pretty surprised when we read it. We found it so romantic that we spent the rest of the day guessing what could it mean. Maybe someone had died there, just by this old tree, or maybe the tree was the place where two lovers had met… who knows??. The phrase was beautiful and intriguing, and the chosen tree was also impressive. The route was very scenic in itself, but from that day it became something special for us. I've never came back since he died. Moreover, I've never been there with R.
I don't know why I'm talking about this now…. So , coming back to reality….my job interview was not particularly brilliant. I was not in the mood for an interview if you know what I mean. I got late (first time in my life!!) because there was a problem with the traffic lights in one of the main streets and it was all collapsed. I forgot my CV in the car (I like to bring one CV with me to the interviews). All this made me feel even more nervous. I'm so insecure that I need to be phycologically prepared to look confident and play my roll in front of the interviewer. I'm too spontaneous and if I don't prepare my answers first I can come up with whatever comes to my mind, which is actually what I did….ummmm.
After talking for a while the guy asked me: how do you see yourself in the future?, let's say in ten years…. You'd agree that this is the typical interview question and I should have been ready for something like that. Unfortunately, I wasn't.
I started to think as quickly as I could. Well, the thing is that I can't see myself in the future, you nerd!!!, that's my problem. I'm so lost. That's why I can't find my inner peace, and that's why I'm blogging you know….
Time was passing by and I had to give an answer and the first thing that came to my lips was…ummm I see myself as a boss!!!!. As a boss?????the interviewer seemed amused. Yeah, I've always wanted to be a boss ( I could swear he was taken aback ). So, that was it. I wanted to leave as soon as possible and that was my brilliant answer. Will I ever learn????. I only hope that this will teach me for my following interviews and that I won't made the same mistakes.
I'm bored of writing now…. It's time to go….

BOMBS, OBSESSION AND JOB INTERVIEWS

2006-04-26T17:01:00.000+02:00

I have very few time to write…so I will summarize:

- So shocked because of the bombs in Egypt. Anger, sense of impotence. I don't know what to say. It's the same in Spain. Crazy people fighting for crazy ideas. Lots of innocents killed. It's so sad, and so unfair.

- So worried about the fucking Egyptian Prince. Didn't want to sms him. What for???. Last summer, when the same happened in Sharm, he didn't even bother to answer me. So, I decided to call him. I thought: well, if his phone rings, at least he's alive. And it rang, so I suppose the jerk is alive. Good.

-I'm still writing the rest of the story with the Prince. It makes me feel sad, but I guess I need to write it like a kind of exorcism to get rid of my obsession.

-I've got a job interview tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous. I have lot of work and I have to scape the office tomorrow early to get there on time.

-I've also applied for a job in Cairo. I must be out of my mind. I suppose they won't call me, because my profile doesn't fit at all. But, you know, it was so funny, almost like a sign, when I bought the newspaper last weekend and saw this offer in the first place, that I decided to apply.

- I've been a month without news. Im my case, no news is not good news at all, but apparently discouragement has nothing to do with me. Fine

I guess that's all up to now.

EXPECTANCY

2006-04-20T10:13:00.000+02:00

I don't know why I've done it, after so many days holding on. I guess I was impatient, and I couldn't wait. It's the longest period without news since I came back.
I've sent you an stupid SMS with no answer, which makes me feel even more stupid. Where have you hidden??, and why??. Have you suddenly found someone?, or are you just tired of playing with me???, or both?

Desire - Belief - Expectancy: Which one is failing???. Desire is stronger that ever, so, this is not the one. Belief might not be at its best moment but I think it's also pretty strong. Then, I think it's Expectancy the one that's weak. Expectancy is harder to create at this point of the story. But now that I have identified the week point, I'm going to take actions. Be warned.

MADRID FROM A MOTORBIKE

2006-04-05T00:41:00.000+02:00

The day couldn’t have started worse. I didn’t sleep at all. I went to bed early yesterday, cause I know that when I don’t sleep enough (which is most of the time) I tend to see things quite dark. However, I wasn’t able to sleep. Thinking about the same stuff.
So, I woke up more tired than yesterday (no comments about my look this morning). I went to work and the parking was full. OK, doesn’t matter. I had to park in the middle of nowhere and walk for a while.... well. I’ve been really crossed during the day.

So, I left the office early and passed by my friend Reki. It was a wonderful afternoon, the weather is so nice these days. Even too hot for early April. Blue sky... I love blue sky. I love spring in Madrid. We left my car parked and we took his big Yamaha. Much easier to move around the city in a motorbike. Unfortunately, he has a huge head (we’re always kidding about it), and the helmet he lent me was so big that it could have blown with the wind if I wasn’t holding it all the time.
I was enjoying the ride. As we were riding I felt how my sadness and my anger were dissappearing. They seemed more distant, like if they were some other’s sadness and anger (blowing with the wind, like the helmet was trying to do).
Reki is my friend from several years now. He’s really funny and absolutely gay. I know I can count on him, although lately we’ve grown apart. Since he met his last boyfriend he’s been very busy. It seems he’s now into sadomaso. It’s not that I’m not understanding, It’s just that I prefer not to know. I prefer a happy ignorance about his sexual life and I definitely prefer not to go with him to buy all this leather stuff.

Anyway, it’s been a lovely evening. We’ve been to see his new apartment in downtown. He hasn’t move yet but he’s bought a wonderful flat in a beautiful square in old Madrid. It’s been ages since the last time I’ve been in downtown during the day (specially a week day). I love it. The city is so full of life, you can almost hear her heartbeat. Besides, Madrid from the motorbike is cool. The weather was so fine. La Cibeles, is gorgeous. Gran Vía was packed. The traffic was a mess and the traffic agents were messing it up even more. We’ve left the motorbike and walked for about an hour or so.
We’ve been in Plaza Mayor, full of cafés with terraces, and in Puerta del Sol. God, I have found out that the signs in Puerta del Sol are in japanese!!!!. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know that Madrid had so many japanese tourists. I guess they’re everywhere.
After the walk he has invited me to an ice-cream in my favourite place in Madrid. He really knows me ;-), and detects a bad day just by hearing my voice on the phone.

I haven't forgotten the prince (BTW Reki doesn't want even to hear about it), but he managed to cheer me up and I think it’s been a good day after all.

LA JUVENTUD ESPAÑOLA

2006-04-04T11:23:00.000+02:00

I've just received this in an e-mail and I've found it very interesting.

Según las estadísticas la mujer española tiene su primer hijo a los 33 años, el varón español a los 35 --las edades más altas de Europa--. La joven española pierde la virginidad a los 14,5 años, el muchacho a los 16 --las edades más prematuras del continente--.
El porcentaje de abortos registrados en España supera claramente al de los demás países del entorno. Sin embargo la tasa de nacimientos en España es de 1,3 --las más baja... ¡del mundo!--. Estos datos ya dan qué pensar, pero mucho más si se considera que la juventud española es la más ociosa, la que dispone de más tiempo libre y la que tiene acceso a un trabajo estable más tardíamente en los 25 países de la Unión.
Más datos señalan que el joven español abandona la casa paterna a los 32,5 años --la cifra más elevada de la Unión Europea--, que acabará de pagar la hipoteca de su vivienda a los 75 años --la cifra más alta del
mundo-- y que su perspectiva de encontrar un empleo estable con derecho a jubilación ronda el 8,5% --la cifra más escandalosa de la Historia con excepción del breve periodo de la Alemania de entreguerras--. Su primer empleo es inseguro y provisional en un porcentaje del 96,5%, y su duración media es de 4 meses. La juventud española se encuentre también con las tasas más bajas de Europa en cuanto a realización de doctorados o de estudios de especialización, es la que menos lee, la que menor cantidad de prensa escrita consume y la que viaja menos al extranjero, junto con la portuguesa y la griega.
Al mismo tiempo el español es el joven más dependiente económicamente de los padres incluso tras la independencia familiar --por ejemplo, utiliza a los abuelos como niñeras o canguros--, está por debajo de la media en cantidad de películas vistas, y es la que mantiene un parque automovilístico más viejo, después de portugueses, griegos y chipriotas. Curiosamente es la que más fuma, la que consume más alcohol y también la que compra más preservativos, extraño dato que no se corresponde con la estadística de que es la que menos practica el amor en toda Europa --1,7 veces a la semana frente a 4 veces los países escandinavos-- y...
asombrosamente, es también la que manifiesta más errores en tests de conocimientos de sexología.
Paralelamente a todo esto, la juventud española es la que en proporciones más escandalosamente elevadas se manifiesta "apolítica", enmascaramiento de un desconocimiento alto de la realidad y de sus soluciones, y una forma solapada de manifestarse manipulables ante el poder.
Mientras todos estos datos relativos a España se producen, la juventud francesa lleva meses manifestándose por sus derechos y por un empleo digno --tres millones de manifestantes en la tercera convocatoria--, los estudiantes británicos han incrementado la creación de comités de protesta en las universidades, los alemanes expresan posturas más o menos solidarias a favor del empleo, e incluso la juventud islámica asentada en Europa se manifiesta en defensa de determinados derechos propios. ¿Qué hace mientras tanto, orgullosa y autosuficiente, la juventud española? ¡CONVOCA A BOTELLONES!. Mientras la juventud europea ocupa primeras páginas de actualidad por sus manifestaciones ante la injusticia social...
la española las ocupa por la convocatoria de BOTELLONES, y mientras los botellones se celebran en España como triunfos de rebeldía en Europa la juventud se manifiesta combativa y sin miedo, se casa antes, tiene más hijos, consigue trabajo antes, se independiza antes y participa más en la creación de una sociedad constructiva.
Como exclamó Unamuno cierto día triste de hace un siglo de penas: ¡Qué país, qué paisaje y... qué paisanaje!
El botellón no debe criminalizarse, pero sí debe estudiarse como síntoma de una sociedad enferma y apática.

BOREDOM AND APATHY

2006-04-03T21:05:00.000+02:00

I’m bored. Bored of my boredom. Bored of my own complains. Bored of myself.
I’m so apathetic that I’m afraid this will never end. I dindn’t feel like writing either.
I’m so low today.
At last I’ve finished the book I was reading, that didn’t cheer me up, by the way. It’s “Les particules élémentaires” from Michel Houellebecq. I don’t know if this happens to everybody but when I’m reading a book I always bring the characters and the situations with me all day. It affects my mood a lot, actually. This book it’s so depressing, so hopeless, so harsh.. that it will take a while till I get over it.
I have this worrying lack of interest. I’m not interested in anything. At all. I have to force myself even to read the newspaper lately. And it’s been a while since I don’t read the economic papers. They used to interest me.
The days pass by and I have not even updated my resume. How I’m going to find a new job if I don’t really look for a job???. I have a sort of mental block. I know what I don’t like in my life. I know what I have to do to change the things that I don’t like. But I don’t do anything. I’m blocked because I don’t know which way to take. It’s really annoying, and I’ve been like that for months.
I’m not even interested in planning a route and find a hotel for my next holydays, and I’m leaving next week. I only have booked the flight!!!.
I’m thinking about the prince all the time. No news up to now. I’m trying really hard to stop myself from sending a silly sms. He just doesn’t deserve all this mess.
I don’t want to think at my relationship. At least not while I’m in this mood. Ten years with him is a lot of time. Is my whole life. Do I want the rest of my life to go on like this??, I don’t want to answer to this question because I’m afraid I wouldn’t like the answer. I think I’m going to sleep at mom’s tonight.

A WEEK

2006-03-31T21:53:00.000+02:00

It's been almost a week without news. Please, say something. I have determined not to take the first step this time. It's got to be you. So... what are you waiting for?. I'm dying of impatience.

THE FIRST TIME I MET THE PRINCE

2006-03-29T23:46:00.000+02:00

The very first time that I saw him we didn’t talk. I remember that he passed by my side and of course I noticed him. He looked at me and smiled.
Then we met again at work. He was there, although he wasn’t working with me. I looked at him and he smiled again. He smiled not only with his face, but also with his eyes. Although I’ve realized later, I think it was then that I started to loose my mind.
He was not particularly attractive, he was not exactly my type. But he had that kind of look ..., of nice guy, of good boy. A kind of guy that everybody would trust.

He was working with another colleague and they asked me something related to work. I came closer to help them, and when I was by his side I suddenly felt his heat. The heat of his body. I found it quite disturbing, and this made me strangely nervous. This had never happened to me before. I mean, we weren’t that close physically, but I could feel his heat, and I don’t know why, I felt embarrassed. I felt embarrased of being so aware of his physical presence. Kind of difficult to explain.
He was very nice and kind to us (me and my colleagues). Asking us if we liked Egypt, and about he places we’ve been. When we fininished working he suggested us a couple of nice places to go at night. Then, he seemed to think it over, and he offered to take us out. To take us to the places he used to go. It sounded great. You know, when you’re a foreinger, moving around on your own it’s completely different from being with a local. It was a nice gesture from him and we really appreciated it. He was definitely a nice guy.

The next day, we went out with him. He was charming and witty. He talked all the time, with a great sense of humor (which by the way is one of the things that I most value in a guy). He was laughing all the time, with a noisy and spontaneous laughter that made me laugh too. I also noticed that he was very polite. I really liked that.
He seemed to know everybody in that place, and I realized that he was a popular guy, specially among girls, and I didn’t like it at all. So, I wasn’t the only one who found him so charming, hum??.

I was sitting next to him and after a while being by his side, I started to feel dizzy. What was happening to me?.

I found out that we had a lot of things in common, including our family situation. I really loved the way he felt about his family, and I thought it was very sweet of him to care that much about them. I also found out that he had been engaged but broked up with his girlfriend, so he was single ( I was really happy to hear that). God, what the heck was I thinking about!!??.

I knew I was leaving the following day but I was having such a great time that I didn’t want to think about it, I didn’t want the night to end. But, that was it. Another boring bussiness trip that was saved in the end by a nice guy. Just that. I was going to come back from Cairo with a sweet taste and forget about my foolishness.... right???. I was going to meet my boyfriend (I had been missing him so much during these days!!) and forget about this nonsense.

To tell you the truth, the thing is that I also knew that I was going to be back soon, and this fact wasn’t helping much really.
Cause I wanted to see him again.
Badly.
No matter what.

To be continued...

NO ME CREES

2006-03-27T23:43:00.000+02:00

I'm too tired to write. This song talks about love in the distance and reflects my feelings about the egyptian prince like if I had wrote the song myself.

NO ME CREES (EFECTO MARIPOSA)

No sé pensar si no te veo,
no puedo oír si no es tu voz,
en mi soledad
yo te escribo y te entrego
en cada beso el corazón.
Ohh

Se apaga el sol en mi ventana
y hace tiempo que ya no sé de ti,
dime cómo te ha ido,
si también estás sola
y si piensas en mí,
sigo aquí.

En todas las palabras, mil caricias y miradas,
tú me dabas lo que nadie me dio en mi vida.

Tu recuerdo me consuela, me desvela ,
me envenena tanto cada día.
¿Qué harías si te pierde este pobre corazón?

Y no me crees cuando te digo que la distancia es el olvido,
no me crees cuando te digo que en el olvido estoy contigo aunque no estés,
y cada día, cada hora, cada instante pienso en ti y no lo ves,
no me crees.

No sé soñar si no es contigo,
yo sólo quiero volverte a ver
y decirte al oído todo lo que te he escrito en este papel,
entiéndeme.

En todas las palabras, mil caricias y miradas
tú me dabas lo que nadie me dio en mi vida.

Tu recuerdo me consuela, me desvela ,
me envenena tanto cada día.
¿Qué harías si te pierde este pobre corazón?

Y no me crees cuando te digo que la distancia es el olvido,
no me crees cuando te digo que en el olvido estoy contigo aunque no estés,
y cada día, cada hora, cada instante pienso en ti y no lo ves.

Y no me crees cuando te digo que no habrá nadie que te quiera como yo,
cuando te pido que en el olvido no me dejes sin razón,
entretenerme en el recuerdo es el remedio que me queda de tu amor.

Y si me entrego a ti sincero
y te hablo al corazón
espero que no me devuelvas un adiós.

Y no me crees cuando te digo que la distancia es el olvido,
no me crees cuando te digo que en el olvido estoy contigo aunque no estés,
y cada día, cada hora, cada instante pienso en ti y no lo ves.

Y no me crees cuando te digo que no habrá nadie que te quiera como yo,
cuando te pido que en el olvido no me dejes sin razón,
entretenerme en el recuerdo es el remedio que me queda de tu amor.
No me crees.

SHE MADE ME SMILE

2006-03-24T19:25:00.000+01:00

Today I was coming home in a very bad mood ( at last it’s Friday !!!).
I was waiting for the garage door to open to park my car, when a little girl of about 7 and her mum passed by my side.
The little girl was wearing an indian costume. She looked like a cherokee indian or something like that. She was really ugly and because of that she was very sweet at the same time.

She fixed her look upon me with real interest, and I gave her back a moody look. I sometimes can be disgusting !!!.
She suddenly smiled widely, with a gummy smile as some of her milk teeth were missing, and waved me goodbye as she passed by. I almost melt, and smiled her back as warmly as I could feeling such an idiot!!. I almost felt like crying.

Have you ever tried to smile to the people around?. It’s surprising how a smile can change things (please, don’t think I’m usually moody, in fact, I’m smiling most of the time).
If you haven’t tried, please do. If you give smiles, you receive smiles and you feel strangely comforted and happier. It may sound stupid, but it works.

When you’ve had a great loss in your life, you learn to value things differently.
Why do I waste time worrying and getting angry about such silly things when life can be so much easier?. This little girl has definitely given me a lesson.

I'M OUTSTANDING!!!!

2006-03-23T23:20:00.000+01:00

Today at work we have received our annual evaluation as employees, or what is the same, our pay raise.
According to this human resources crap, there are different possible valorations depending on your performance evaluation during the year. I don’t know them by heart (actually, I’ve never paid attention to it) but depending on your performance it’s more or less like this. You can be below expectations, meet expectations, good, very good and outstanding. Most people meet expectations or are good. On the other hand, very few people are below expectations or outstanding.

Even when the results of my company this year have been the best in its history, the pay raise is going to be meaner than ever, for strategic reasons, apparently.
However, this doesn’t seem to apply to the anual kick-off, which this year, appart from being pretty kitsch, must have cost a fortune.

Anyway, when my manager called me this afternoon, I was pretending to work, as I’ve been doing lately (well, specially in the last year). I got into his room and seated there expecting the usual nonsense explanations about the finantial results and their impact on our unit. And suddenly he’s told me that my performance evaluation this year has been outstanding. Me???. I’ve had to concentrate with all my might to avoid roaring with laughter.

After six years on the company, I’ve lost all my motivation and I’ve become so cynical that sometimes I don’t recognize myself. I take as much coffees as I can (in different floors if possible, so they cannot catch me), and I’m most of the time running through the internet wasting time or talking on the phone with my friends. I carry out my job, but I never do more than it is strictly necessary, and of course I don’t give a shit for it. Actually, this is really outstanding!!!

How can I respect my managers and my company after this??? (well, it’s not like I respected them before, you know). I know that I’ve been traveling a lot lately and it’s true that I have to work on weekends from time to time, but it’s the same for all of us, and I know that there are some of my colleagues who still believe in what they do, and work really hard. It is so unfair!!!!.

Honestly, what I find outstanding is that companies are still able to earn money with employees like me.

God, I need to get out of here.

I’ve been two years trying to get out, but I have to admit that this last year I didn’t try very hard to find a new job. This makes me feel lazy and bad.

Besides, I’m fed up with being a technician. I don’t like it. I’ve never liked it!!!. This is not for me. So, I guess it’s time to take it seriously and start again my job search.

I don’t know how I’ve reached this point in my carrer but it’s obviously time for a change. It’s time to find my way, to find the job of my dreams, where I can show how reallly outstanding I am.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

2006-03-21T17:29:00.000+01:00

I don't know why, but I still can't find my inner peace.
Do you think it's possible to love two guys at the same time?.
I promise I love my boyfriend. I adore him. Then… .why I can't help thinking of my egyptian prince??. If I try not to think of him, then is worse, because I dream about him.
Does this mean that my boyfriend is not the man of my life???. Does one know when the man of his life has come?. This stupid situation makes me feel terribly guilty. Maybe if I was truly in love with my boyfriend I wouldn't have set my eyes on the egyptian prince.
Is this a sign that something is not right in this relationship?, Or this is just kind of normal when two people have been together for so long?. Believe me, I cannot imagine my life without him.
Besides, there's the job issue….. I need to find a new one, but I don't make a single move. In my current job I'm absolutely wasted. I have much more to give, much more to do. I have the competence, and I have the brains….
Then why I'm frozen?, Why I'm stuck to this post watching the days go by?. I cannot answer either. I think that deep down inside me I avoid seriously looking for another job because I need to go back to Egypt to find an answer to all my questions.
I'm in a loop for almost a year now…. And I'm so lost that I don't know what to do.

MY EGYPTIAN PRINCE

2006-03-07T21:06:00.000+01:00

It all started with a bussines trip. I met him and since then I have not been the same. There’s no peace in me anymore. It’s beyond my control.

I don’t know why I have a gift to get hooked on the wrong kind of guy. Ever since I was too young to understand it, I’ve always got a crush on the unsuitable type of boys. With the exception of my boyfriend, of course (shame on me!!!).

To tell you the truth, I think that the main reason for opening this blog is him. I cannot keep it inside me anymore, it’s burning me like hell.
In the first instance, I started running through the net, looking for different forums and blogs related to egyptians. The cultural difference is so huge that I was only trying to get closer to him, to understand just a little his way of acting... his way of thinking. And that’s how I found the post of the egyptian mozza. I guess that she’s been my inspiration (like many others). This girl is really making me understand a lot of things about their culture and their social life.
Besides, the word mozza souns really funny for a spanish, since in spanish moza (with only one z), means girl, so that’s how the idea of this blog began to take form.

Let’s come back to him, the egyptian prince. Why did he have to be so nice, so funny, so polite (apparently!!), with a never-ending conversation ..... definitely so interesting?.
And why did I have to find him in that very moment of my life (remember I love my boyfriend) and in Cairo (it’s soooo far)?. He made me feel like a fool. It was funny. When he held my hand I blushed, and my legs were shaking. Can you believe it?. He was so sweet, and caring. BTW, in case you were wondering, I will tell you: No, I didn’t cheat on my boyfriend.

At the beginning, when I came back to Madrid there was only one thought in my mind: forget the guy. Unfortunately, we kept smsing and I was falling deeper and deeper. The whole thing went on until the day he decided that it was enough for a play. The cultural difference was so big... you know, he’s a muslim and wants to marry an egyptian girl.. yada yada yada. But it was too late for me then. I’m an extremely passionate girl that’s true, but this guy made me feel different and this is also true.

The story did not ended there, but I don’t really want to go into details now (I will, don’t worry!!).

The thing is that I feel really dissapointed about him (well, I barely knew him, what could I expect?) but even so, he’s on my mind all the time. Or maybe I should said because of that, he’s on my mind all the time. Coming back to the old times, uh??. This is the type of guy who used to attract me, I’ve told you!!
And I can only think of meeting him again. It’s becoming an obsession. What can I do?, What am I going to do?

SHIT!!!, I can’t forget my egyptian prince (or should I say my egyptian frog?????).

MY THIRTIES CRISIS

2006-03-06T23:17:00.000+01:00

I guess my thirties crisis started even before being thirty.... and I also think that it’s not only related to the age, but also to the circumstances that changed my life six years ago.

I’m living what seems to be a perfect life. I have a loving family, a perfect boyfriend, good friends (just two real friends if you know what I mean) a good job.... so... why the hell do I have the feeling that I’m missing something?

Before this crisis started, I used to write a lot as a kind of therapy, to clear my thoughts, you know... but I quit it. I was too busy, or that’s what I used to tell me. Actually, I stop writing when I started going out with two guys at the same time. God, that was exhausting!!! (have you ever tried??).
So, today, I was reading other people’s blogs and said, why not?? . It has given me the idea. It’s better that keeping a diary on your own. I suppose It’s a kind of exhibitionism, don’t you think?. It’s weird to write something that intimate and personal thinking that it’s going to be out there and that anybody can read it, but at the same time is exciting.

I may be your sister, or your girlfriend, can you imagine?. I think it’s pretty cool.

My only purpose is to find a way to release the pressure inside me, to feel better. I only mean to be sincere and to talk openly about my life. There’s no other intention.
I hope I enjoy it!!!.